Today is Babywise Friendly Blog Network day and we've added several new members to the network! I'm over on Kimberly's blog talking about living by faith with my kids and introducing them to our beliefs. Amy is here talking about her journey with infertility and the struggle to trust God in the midst of it.
Being His Girl When Positives Turn to Negatives
My daughter-in-law & I were matching socks and having normal conversation. We typically spend a day together throughout the week doing laundry, chasing kids, and catching up on the latest. I asked her about her pregnancy a few times throughout the day and her response was minimal and lacked any enthusiasm. If I would have taken the time to access what I had seen & heard from her body language in the last few weeks, I would've known right away, but I didn't.
I continued to ask til finally I laid down the obvious in question form...
Why are you not excited about this baby?
Why don't you ever talk about your pregnancy?
You know you can be happy around me, right?
I certainly thought this must be about me.
Why else would she be harboring joyful feelings about a new baby?
We found out they were expecting again just recently. It was a tough time just because we had lost our own pregnancy one month prior. Although we were happy to be having another sweet one on the way, we were reminded of what we also just lost a few short weeks ago. I was certain that she was being careful around me because of that and didn't want to rub it in that she was pregnant. How selfish my heart can be at times.
She barely looked up at me and said, "I just don't know how things are going to work out..."
What could she mean?
Finances?...things will always work itself out.
Housing?...they do have a small place and will need another bedroom.
Work?...Juggling a schedule, 2 kids, a home, and possibly school in the fall...
All of these things are factors that can be overcome, she must know that.
Then she spoke, still with her face downward pretending to be focused on the socks...
"The Dr said that I am probably losing the baby."
My heart sank deep and a range of emotions set in. For two weeks this dear girl, my own daughter, had known her baby was possibly dying and didn't say a word. I couldn't believe it.
Infertility and pregnancy loss has always been a part of my married life. With 11 losses and 17 yrs of infertility experience, I am a seasoned veteran in this arena. This is what I know, who I am, this is my area of expertise. It's been my scarlet letter, my identity, my testimony... how can my daughter sit across from me for weeks and I miss all the signs?
A few days later I rubbed her back and sat with her as she labored in the passing of my grand baby.
Trusting God while hating infertility is a tough combination. A friend of mine explained it to me like this the other day...
A women hates infertility which causes her excruciating pain and loss, all the while she loves the God who can save her from it, One who can take it all away but chooses not to.
It's a tough balance.
Infertility and pregnancy loss is about trusting God. Bottom-line.
Every testimony you hear, every story you read, every article, diagnosis, every failed cycle or blank pregnancy test is about Him. The One who gives life and the One who can chose not to give it. It's about learning to rely on and give glory to a God who loves you even when He tells you no. Even when He allows your womb to be closed and your positives turn to negatives.
It's the same as any loss or disappointment you may face in life.
You can look forward into the future, you can look behind you into despair, or you can tilt your chin upward and see hope. God's tenderness in times like that are only seen if you look up. If you look too far ahead you may see fear, afraid to trust God because of what you have already gone through. If you look behind, you may feel anger, reminding yourself of what you wanted rescued from, but had to endure.
But. If you look up; you will see truth. You will see that you are not being punished, not being disciplined, and not being unworthy.
Your heart will soon start to see that you are not only set apart for God's great purpose but you are actually favored. Set aside, not as you are in trouble, but as you are the star pupil, the leading role, and the blessed one. The trusted one. The one that when the enemy cowers before the Lord and asks permission to test you, God says yes...because He knows your heart. He hears the conversation between you and Him and He knows that as much as you want to have a baby or be a mother again; you want Him more! And He is willing to show the world that your core response to any heartache that may come against you; will always be that you love Him beyond it all and you are His girl!
If you look up, you will be reminded that while you are running this race with calloused soles and swollen joints; He is standing at the finish line with a bouquet of flowers and wild anticipation in His eyes that is eager for you the closer you get. And as you close the race & finish well, He envelopes you with joy, understanding, and believe it or not...laughter. He is what you desire most and He can never be taken away.
It's never been about us, about you, or about me.
It's not about what we want and what we don't have.
It certainly not about what others have and why they have it.
Its always simply just been about Him...
and about His love for you.