(my desk at school)
As I was thinking about OKC schools going back today, I was reminded of something I wrote back on February 20th of this year but had never posted. So, here it is:
The Sunday after I found out I was pregnant, Roc (our pastor) spoke about Mary and Martha. It was a really great message. That afternoon, we took a nap. I had the worst dream. It was one of those that kept you in bed thinking after you woke up. I kept reassuring myself that it's not real and asked Colt several times as well.
My dream started with me in a car with my family. My baby had been born. All the showers had been thrown. All reactions had been shown. I missed it all. Why I missed it was the mystery. I frantically tried to get everyone's attention saying, "You don't understand, I don't remember any of this! How can I not remember it?" I was devastated. I missed every baby shower. I missed giving birth. I missed Colt seeing him/her for the first time. I missed introducing him/her to my family. I missed it all and no one understood me and everyone looked at me like I was crazy.
We are not wacky dream interpreters, but I do think dreams can mean something ... not always, but sometimes. Colt asked me what I thought it meant. Together, we decided on this: I need to slow down. I have to slow down. Things are changing and I've got to take time to realize it, see it, taste it, experience it ...
I've always wondered what the big problem was with Martha. She was working hard to prepare a feast for Jesus. That's a good thing, right? Well, it was good, but it was too much. We all know what it's like to have company over. Sometimes, depending on the people, the stress of preparation totally takes over any enjoyment that might have happened. That's what was wrong with Martha. It was too much of a good thing. In the words of Roc, "She was preparing a Thanksgiving-like feast when hotdogs and hamburgers would have been just fine."
I'm thankful for this story the time it's taken me to understand it a little better. I have such a tendency to be like Martha.
Our latest news is that we are having a baby. The next latest news is that I am quitting my job after this school year is over. I believe God moves and prods our hearts in certain directions. I cannot be everything a 6A HS vocal music teacher needs to be if I want to have a welcoming home, a thriving marriage, and be a good mother. Those things are more important to me. My husband and soon-to-be child are the most important people in my life, so I can't allow something else to absorb all of me and all of my time. It's not that all jobs do this, but this job does. (Please note: I am not speaking for all 6A HS vocal music teachers ... just for myself and my experience.) The amounts of evenings and weekends it takes up are simply too much. A salary can't buy time or relationships.
What will I miss? The students. I will not miss the job. The job is a different animal. The students are people that make me laugh, that have great stories, that are incredibly talented, and that I enjoy being around. However, in no way are my mind, heart, body, or soul opposed to quitting. These past 2 years have been quite the experience and I have come out on the other side thinking completely different thoughts about teaching, education, school systems, vocal music, etc. It has been the most trying time of my life. Although I'd love to say this will be the last that you'll hear of it, I can't. There are so many things that I have to get out and release from my heart, so just get ready.
I am beyond thrilled to be moving in this direction. There are plenty of things to be scared of and to worry about, but we just can't. I know this is where I am supposed to be.