Wednesday, March 6, 2013

i'm going to cry for the rest of my life


A couple weeks ago, I was having one of those nights when I let my wheels turn way too much in bed.  You know, you think about one thing, it spirals into another, you start crying, and the next thing you know, you're an empty-nester and all your kids are in college. 

First, I started thinking about Duke.  Colt and I talked about all the things we love about him and what a joy he is.  Then I said, "I don't want Duke's feelings to get hurt whenever we decide to have another baby.  I don't want him to think he wasn't enough."

Of course, that's silly and totally irrational.  As one of three siblings, that thought never crossed my mind.

Then, I thought about Duke being an older sibling.

Then, I thought about the friends he will eventually have.

Then I said, "What if he doesn't like me?  What if he doesn't want to tell me stuff?"  That would be the saddest thing of all.  But Colt reminded me that there were times we didn't like our parents.  I mean, deep down we always loved them, but there were some "Ugh, Mom!" moments along the way.  However, when I think back on my life growing up, I don't think about those moments.  

Except I do think about the time I slammed the door and told my mom, "I hate you!" during my annoying pre-teen years.  I felt terrible.  I remember walking back in the kitchen, finding her at the stove (probably making something for her brat child), and telling her I was sorry.  Never did that again!

Anyway.

I really only think about all the times I enjoyed being with my parents.  I wanted to tell them stuff.  And, ultimately, I wanted to please them.  (So, mom and dad, whatever tricks you used to get me to do that, you better write them down.)

Then, I thought about Duke being older.  He just keeps growing and there's nothing I can do to slow it down.

But at least I'm not alone.  It's going by quickly for all of us.  All of our kids are getting older and we all feel like stopping the train every once and awhile.  When a kid turns 18, I never hear the parents say, "Man, that was the longest, slowest 18 years of my life."

At the end of my emotional circus, I came to the conclusion that there's absolutely nothing I can do about any of it except love the heck out of him and pray, pray, pray.

I came to one more conclusion as well.

I'm going to cry for the rest of my life.

Why?  Because I'm a mom.  And because moms cry about everything.  All the time.  And although a lot of us can't agree on birthing styles, feeding schedules, and discipline, we can agree on the fact that there will be many, many tears shed because of our extreme love for our kids and our inability to just slow it down for a second.  But, like everything else hard/fun/emotional/frustrating/rewarding about motherhood, it's all so worth it.

8 comments:

  1. claaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaire. STOP IT. these are the things I don't let myself think about daily, because really, if I did I would be crying all day every day! haha I was just asking Ward the other day how to really enjoy all of her milestones without having huge breakdowns about how she is growing up and not going to be my little baby girl anymore :(. blah. the question is, how do we enjoy all of the little moments without becoming overwhelmed every time we take it all in??? i guess the answer really is just to cry. just cry and be that mom. haha. love you.

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    1. Yesss, that is the question! haha well, at least we can have each other in our emotional states. :)

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  2. Amen Claire! Again, I feel the exact same way! I was sitting nursing G the other day and thinking about thankful I was for him and how much I loved him and didn't want to acknowledge that I'm sure about 30 mins earlier I could have possibly felt said something about how I just wish he was older. I do feel that sometimes but I'm also so thankful to have him at this age too. Being a mom is just a roller coaster of feelings :)

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  3. Obviously, I'm not a mom yet, so can't relate to everything you wrote, BUT Eric and I have had some conversations about how much we are NOT excited about parenting teenagers (babies, toddlers, kindergartners - yes!). I was a really good kid, but I was still hateful to my parents sometimes. I'm sure I made my mom cry so many times, because I thought I knew better than her. Ugh. So weird to think we'll have to experience that someday!

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  4. Ugh, I'm not EVEN going there. My brain, my heart and my tears couldn't handle it. Just not yet. Ha!

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    1. I know it. I'll have to stop those wheels from turning next time!

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