My last post about pregnancy was not supposed to depress you. It was for me to log my first trimester experience this time around (which can basically be miserable for many women - not just me). But don't assume pregnancy, in general, is terrible. Yes, there certainly are women that hate it from start to finish (and that's okay), but I LOVE it. I loved it with Duke and I love it now. I had an easy breezy pregnancy with Duke so I was probably bound to have a some difficulty the 2nd time. Two easy pregnancies would've just been TOO easy.
I'm 18 weeks now. My body feels normal, I'm showing a bit, and I'm beginning to occasionally feel very subtle movements. It's amazing to think that I'm almost halfway there - halfway to my life turning upside down. Again.
Soon after Duke turned one, I was amazed by how often I was asked, "So, it's about time to start trying for another one, right??" I mean, the kid was learning to use a fork, barely walking, pooping his pants, and I could count the number of words he knew. I thought to myself, I think I'll spread the tiny humans out just a little bit more, thank you.
As Duke's 2nd birthday was drawing near, I felt differently. I found myself gazing at infants, wishing I could breastfeed again, wanting to snuggle a baby, etc. That's when I knew it was real. I really did want another baby.
Along with the desire for #2 came a flood of questions and uncertainties. Am I really up for this again? Can I do it? Can I maintain sanity and be a mom of 2? Can I maintain my identity and be a mom of 2?
Part of me says, "Of course you can do it. You had no idea what you were doing the first time and you managed to make it through somehow. You'll find your new normal. You're going to be fine."
And I suppose that is true. The difference between expecting #1 and expecting #2 is Perspective.
I know what's coming. I have the tools necessary to be a mom and my life has already adjusted to the parenting life. I'm just adding a bit more chaos onto the already-chaos. While I'm not familiar with the new chaos of 2 children, I am familiar with this brand of chaos.
On the other hand, I know what's coming. I know the pain of childbirth, the mental space that breastfeeding occupies, the exhaustion, the acid reflux, and the postpartum depression. It's a lot.
I guess Perspective can be a curse and a blessing. But right now, I'm trying to focus on the blessing part of it. I have loved being called "mama" by Duke and knowing that feeling will be multiplied is unbelievable. I know my love for this baby will be off the charts and I know that when there are really, really hard times, easier times are on their way. Thanks to Perspective, I know that newborns turn 2 years old really quickly.
Most days I'm 85% excited and 15% scared. Some days the percentages are a little different. But for the most part, I can't wait to meet the next Westbrook. We have no idea what life with 2 will bring us, but it's a challenge we're willing take on and a blessing we're thankful for. As for now, I'll be enjoying life with our one little bundle of 2 year old joy and soaking up the three-ness of our family.