Friday, January 17, 2014
i'm a chapter person
Prior to getting pregnant, Colt and I had been dreaming and talking about this child. The anticipation was filled with excitement and hesitation. It was foggy for a while. Should we really do this? Are we "ready" for it? Can I handle it? What will Duke think? I started writing even though I knew it'd go unpublished for weeks - even months. I wanted to share some of those scattered thoughts today.
Once you start thinking and planning for your next baby, there's this sort of whirlwind of emotions that start planting themselves in your heart. You start memorizing your days more. You start staring at your first child more. I mean, really staring. You start thinking, I know I'm going to miss these moments when they're gone. But how can I soak them in more than I already am?
The truth is - I'm in the moment as much as I can be and there's nothing I can do to try and bottle everything up and save it for later. I just have to be here and be present. This is my chance to have quiet mornings just with Duke, to hold his hand while walking leisurely down the hall to change his diaper, to have breakfast together, just the 2 of us, every morning, to run around town with just this one sweet little buddy. It's a weird place - feeling so absolutely blessed and fulfilled, yet having such a desire to pour into another life. Even though I know it's not, it almost feels contradictory. It's just such a big change.
Change in life is really intense for me. Not necessarily hard, but it's intense.
It's not that I don't like it, but for some reason, I've always had this real understanding that nothing will ever be the same after (fill-in-the-blank with whatever life change is happening). I think about it (whatever change "it" may be) a lot.
I've given this a name and deemed myself a "chapter person." Every page turn that denotes a new chapter is a big deal. I know it's a chapter I can never get back. I go back and forth, wondering if it's time to give this chapter up or not. I know once I have this baby, I will never go back to just having one. I know it'll be fine and everyone does it and I'll love them both with everything I have, but it's still weird to close a chapter forever on something - no matter what it is.
My love for Duke runs so deep that it hurts. (I know you moms out there can relate.) I feel like I say that a lot, but there is just something c-r-a-z-y about a mother's love. And when I say "hurt," I don't mean it negatively. I just mean that it feels like your whole world and all of your insides are walking around in a little body that you can't always control or protect. I remember holding Duke as an infant, sobbing because of this very thing. How can I possibly handle this love? It was so much.
But with all of that, I long to keep spreading this love out - no matter how much it hurts at first. Because, after all, it's a good kind of hurt. Like when your muscles hurt because they're getting stronger, better, being used, and becoming what they're supposed to be. Nothing has completely turned my world upside down the way motherhood has. I am a different person because of it, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Colt and I want a group of kiddos to call our own. We want them to have each other. We want this next chapter so badly, but it doesn't make the page-turning any easier, you know?
Just like ending our no-children chapter was tough to conceive at times, now that we're in it, we love it! (We have a great time being parents and have a great time being married, living life, following our dreams, etc.) Deep down, I know it will all be okay and we'll find our new normal just like we did then. But for now, I'll be holding onto this last page tightly until May. Yet, I do have a feeling that there's immense joy waiting for me on the other side.