Wednesday, May 21, 2014
how it feels to be overdue
I'm overdue - 40 weeks and 5 days to be exact.
Every overdue pregnant woman probably deals with things differently. For me, here's what I've observed:
It's emotionally exhausting.
It's the new thing to feel "ALL THE FEELINGS" on the internet these days, but I'm telling you - there's nothing like all the feelings that 40+ week pregnant ladies feel. I feel mad, at ease, frustrated, patient, sad, happy, hopeful, hopeless, discontent, grateful. I want to pout and I want to celebrate. Every emotion. It's hard to settle on one, and just when you do, a different one creeps in. Keeping my emotional head on straight is tricky. It's a battle to reason with myself and focus on what's true. At this point, I've been pretty weepy - mostly when I randomly wake up around 5 a.m. each morning only to discover she's still not here. Colt has been so sweet to comfort me in these moments. However, at the bottom of it all, I'm happy knowing that Nova is getting all she needs in my belly and just isn't ready for this world yet.
It's mentally exhausting.
It's weird when you're a woman of structure like me and you see "Nova's due date!!!" come and go in your planner. I thought, Oh, I'll have a baby by then for sure, as I looked at this month from April's perspective. I thought I'd be a few days (maybe even weeks) postpartum by now and I'm still pregnant. It's a mental game and if I let myself, I could not only drive myself crazy, but I could get really grouchy and selfish. No one else understands what it's like to be 40+ weeks and want a natural birth and be dealing with the hot temps and blah blah blah. When really, plenty of women have actually been in my exact situation. I am not setting some kind of record. But oh, how the devil wants me to get all hissy about this. It's hard, but I am trying to stay strong.
Along with that, there's the issue of decision-making. Specifically, I'm talking about trusting your body and trusting your doctor. Hopefully, as it was with Duke, those two will work together in perfect harmony with Nova's arrival. It's important to me to give Nova every shot she needs at staying inside this home I'm giving her. While I am so grateful for medical interventions in emergency situations and when babies just won't come out, I want to give Nova time. Natural birth is the desire of my heart. I had such a positive experience with Duke and it completely changed me. I so badly want that for Nova and me. This is why I'm praying that induction or a C-section are not the routes we have to take. While natural birth is possible after being induced, it certainly isn't as common. The back-and-forth game of wanting to wait it out while also wanting to avoid complications or a crazy big baby is a bit taxing mentally.
It's physically exhausting.
Okay, so I'm really not miserable. But there is this general tiredness that my body feels. Like, hey, I've been caring for this baby since late August and I need a break kind of tired. I'm slower and getting heavier by the day. I love being pregnant because it's a crazy miracle, it's so precious, and I think a woman's pregnant body is a beautiful thing. However, there's a reason being pregnant isn't forever. And my body is starting to feel that.
It's spiritually exhausting.
My faith is being tested. Thankfully, I can look back on really hard moments of my life and see how God pulled me through them. He loves to redeem really hard things. While I wouldn't necessarily call this a "really hard thing," I would still call it a small trial. The tendency with this specific time of my life is to direct my frustration at God. He knows what I want. He knows the kind of labor and delivery I want. He knows I can do it. And He's just stringing me along on purpose. It's equivalent to the attitude of a 4 year old. But I have to remind myself - just because I have faith doesn't mean that things are going to go my way.
I have opened my eyes every morning for the past 6 days and prayed to God, "Please make today the day. I ask you to begin my labor today. I believe you're going to give her to me today." And guess what? He didn't do it. So where does that leave me? Well, it can either leave me bitter or it can leave me with the hope and knowledge that He really does know best. (Shuffling and fighting between those two things is the part that can be exhausting.) But I've seen it before. If things had worked out how I thought they should or prayed they should, my life would not be what it is. The truth is that I really don't know better. He does.
Faith is having the strength to ask, the belief that God will do it (whatever "it" is), and the maturity to remain hopeful if it doesn't work out. So, I wake up each day and believe the same thing - that this day will be the day. And if it's not, I come back the next day praying the same thing.
So the overall tone of things is that I'm a bit exhausted. Hopeful, willing, and excited, but exhausted. I know she'll come, I know I won't be pregnant forever, I know there's purpose in God's timing, and I know this time will seem short in the scheme of things. Still, I still wanted to get all of my feelings/thoughts out on paper (or screen).
I am so appreciative of all of the prayers, texts, and sweet messages I've received in this waiting period. We are very blessed. I'm already so in love with little Nova and I can't wait to meet her!