The week that lead up to Mother's Day was quite the week.
Nova got sick 2 Sundays ago and it continued for several days before finally hurrying to the ER last Thursday morning. She was listless, pale, and only wanted to be held and snuggled by me. I knew there was nothing more I could do, so I threw both kids in the car and headed to the hospital.
It was determined that Nova was extremely dehydrated and needed fluids. After they got her IV started, her pattern for the day was sleep 45 minutes, wake up to eat and maybe drink something, and then fall right back asleep in our arms. It was just awful seeing her so lethargic and not like herself. Thanks to my parents for swooping in to take Duke away and to many sweet friends who brought meals and treats. We had a very low-stress 24 hour stay.
(breakfast at Boat and Jmama's house)
The entire week Nova was sick, Duke caught some kind of cold and was coughing like crazy. At the same time, we were dealing with off-and-on tornado warnings. I was also on constant doses of Ibuprofen for an issue with one of my teeth. After the hospital stay, we walked in the door and discovered our kitchen floor was now the new home to hundreds of little ants.
If there was ever a week that tested my ability to be a patient, selfless, and slow-to-anger mom and wife, this was it.
Having Mother's Day fall at the end of the Week from Hell made me mad. I knew I didn't mother with grace every moment of the past week and I did not feel up to being "celebrated" for it. Not only did the events of the week frustrate me, but I was also mad at myself. I wished that I could just be one of those sweetsy moms who glides through trials while kissing her kids' heads and holding her husband's hand kindly. (If those kinds of moms don't actually exist in real life, they sure do exist in our heads, don't they?) Instead, I yelled at Duke because he decided to have a fit at the exact moment I was talking to the nurse on the phone about whether or not I should bring Nova to the ER. Right now, of course, I can think of 3 other things I could've done that would have alleviated the situation and allowed me to keep my cool. I felt crummy as Mother's Day approached and I mostly just wanted to hide under a rock.
As usual, Colt brought me back to reality. Sure, I wasn't perfect, but the week was exceptionally hard and I needed to give myself a break. He reminded me that my word for this year was Surrender and that I wasn't giving any of this up to God at all. I was holding onto mistakes I made while parenting and wife-ing imperfectly. I was bearing the weight of the guilt I had for not taking Nova to the hospital sooner. Etc. Etc. Etc. I was holding onto burdens that weren't mine to carry. After all, this was the point of the Cross - that we wouldn't need to hang onto all of our wrongs or the guilt we place on ourselves for what we should've done better. That has all been forgiven and I am free to live in that. Keeping a firm grip on my sin only reveals that I am fighting for control that I do not have and that I am not believing in and accepting the unconditional love God offers.
Sometimes it's a fight to let yourself enjoy good things - like being loved, celebrated, or forgiven. You have to allow all of that in. For me, there was this thought that was weaving through my brain telling me that I didn't deserve any of this because I just wasn't a good enough mom. Mom or not, I bet most of us can relate to that feeling. What I had to remember is that I'll never be perfect. I'll never get all of this right, but I am trying my hardest and doing the best that I can. God is graciously and gently filling in the gaps and offering compassion for every single time I screw up.
So for those of you who had a Mother's Day like mine, throw off the pressure that says you shouldn't be celebrated unless you are the Perfect Mom. Being a mom means having great moments and having really awful ones. And in all of it, know that you are still worth the celebration.
Mother's Day ended well - lunch from Mama Roja, a long nap, pizza for dinner, and I finally got to watch Interstellar. It was a very relaxing day and a great end to a ridiculous week. Nova is back to her normal, happy, active self and we are so thankful. Let the typical life shenanigans proceed!
I'm so honored to be a mom to these two. I'm imperfect, usually tired, and sometimes grouchy, but I'm always in love and I'm 100% theirs. What gifts they are.