Tuesday, July 30, 2013

when life goes on and good comes from evil

As I closed out my last counseling session in March, I mentioned to my counselor that there were still a few things I was a little (or a lot) leery of encountering.  One of these things was the one year anniversary of when all of this started.  It felt like a silly thing to be worried about, but she assured me it was completely normal for her clients to feel that way.  A one year anniversary of the darkest time in your life is a big deal.

As July 20th, 2013 approached, I felt myself feeling more and more at peace with it.  It was surprising.  Here's a rundown of what happened that day:

-ran 3 miles
-ate breakfast made by colt
-took a family trip to the outlet mall
-watched Duke go down the slide a million times
-Duke napped
-we worked on our living room
-listened to pandora (the Semi-Charmed Life station)
-ate paninis for dinner
-playtime with Duke
-put Duke to bed
-Colt went and got us snow cones to eat while we finished texturing walls
-we went to bed

A year ago, I would've never predicted a day like this in my future - a normal day.  Nothing crazy happened.  Not once did I have anxiety or fear or any of it.  That's pretty much been the case for the last several months for me, so it wasn't necessarily anything special.  But knowing that it was the one year anniversary can play games with your mind.  I'm so grateful that with prayer and self-control, it was anxiety-free.  It was a fun day and I was able to enjoy the really good things in my life.

I'm documenting all of this to prove to myself and whoever else needs it that life does go on.  Often, I have to refer back to what I wrote about the hope of spring.  When we feel like we are in the midst of the impossible or surrounded by darkness or covered by devastation, we just have to remember that it will not be winter forever.  We must press forward and find the good in the evil.

To me, this is the great part about God.  People often wonder about his goodness because our world can be a pretty terrible place.  But if you look closer, there are a lot of redeeming stories that come out of horrible situations.  That's how God works.  No, it doesn't make those horrible things any better or any easier when you're in them.  But knowing that He works evil out for our good offers some hope.  We just have to be willing to lean into that truth and search for it.

My story could've taken several wrong turns.  (And still could, I suppose.)  But this isn't something I give myself credit for.  It's by the grace of God that I was able to find Him in all of it.  I could've chosen other paths and ways to make myself feel better about life.  Evil could've grown into more evil.  Instead, my life was lead into a place of more peace, more trust, more joy, and more hope. 

I have hope - not because of time passing or bodies healing or feelings changing.  But because all of the hope I soak up comes from Jesus and who He is to me and who He was to me that day.  He took all of that pain away as if to say, "I'm right here.  Hope in me. "  He's real and God's real and the power of the Spirit is real. 

It's really neat how God orchestrated all of this craziness to go down in my birthday month.  Of course, originally I thought that was a terrible idea.  But now seeing the other side, there's a new kind of "life" that I get to celebrate in July of each year.  I get to celebrate the day I experienced the meaning of freedom in Christ.  I get to celebrate the day I stopped trying to control my life.

Thanks for reading all of my story this past year and I look forward to writing more as pieces continue to come together.


  1. I can't believe it's been a year! You are so brave to share your story and to be willing to work through everything. I know it's not easy. Love you friend!

    1. Thanks for always being so encouraging. Love you!

  2. I'm so glad it was a happy day and not what you were worried about. I know a lot of people are encouraged by your story. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you. And thanks for reading/commenting/supporting. :)


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