6 years ago & a podcast interview

I was on the phone with my brother Mark the other night. I was talking about how I find myself still telling some of the same life stories.

It's not because I don't have new or recent stories to tell of what the Lord is doing in my life. I do. The Lord is pressing in with risks he's wanting me to take and speaking more in my dreams. He's working.

But I won't ever be done with the old stories. I won't outgrow them. They are a part of my Becoming and I was built out of and from these stories.

I find myself starting on this exact day, six years ago, with My Story. July 20th, 2012 was a new beginning. It was the day I experienced sheer darkness, fear, and panic in a way I'd never known. It was the day I knew what it felt like to be physically out of control.

But it was also the day the Lord answered my prayers of wanting more, of wanting breakthrough, of crying out feeling like there was a wall separating us, but not knowing what it was or how to get through it. I didn't know what would come of these prayers. I certainly wasn't expecting anxiety.

It was as if on that day God said, "I love you and I know you. I know your weak spots. I know your struggles. I know your love for control. I know your struggle with pride. I know the grip of fear in your life. I want to break in and stop this train before you crash."

I can only speak for my situation, but I do believe the Lord allowed me to experience anxiety because of the crazy love he has for me. He knew the ways I responded to life and the lessons I needed to learn and how I needed to learn them in order for them to stick. He knew what would happen if I never hit any sort of rock bottom. He knew I could wreck myself and my relationships. He knew I needed transformation.

I came out of that season stronger and with more compassion for myself and for others. And every time I am in a valley or dark spot in life, that is exactly how I come out every time. Not because I've maneuvered my way through it the "right way" or with grace, but because God is faithful and gracious and good.

I will never tire of telling the story of my anxiety or any of the stories in my life that point to God. I will never stop sharing them.

Several weeks ago, Heather, a woman I've known since middle school, interviewed me on her podcast. A few days ago, the episode was released and My Story was re-told all over again. I can't help but think how beautiful it is that the Lord orchestrated all of this to happen within a few days of the 6 year anniversary.

Along with panic attacks and anxiety, we also talked about motherhood, breastfeeding, songwriting, and how the Lord speaks to me in my dreams. It was such an honor to talk with her and it will be a sweet thing to always have these pieces of my life recorded in my own words, in my own voice.

I hope that you will give this podcast a listen and maybe even pass it along to someone who would find comfort in it. Someone who needs to hear another person recounting the struggles that they too are experiencing. Someone who yearns to feel that "Me too" that we all need.

And I hope you will decide that Your Story is worth telling, too.

Listen to my interview on the Uniquely Beautiful Stories podcast here:

iTunes || Player FM || Podomatic 

permission to say the words

My whole life, I never understood suicide. Not until I was reeling with anxiety, feeling the chaos in my mind as well as in my body.

I never had thoughts of suicide or self-harm, that is the truth. But I often thought, I just want to sleep. If I can just sleep then I won't have to feel any of this. I know the desire to escape. Most of us probably know that if we're honest. It looks different for all of us. We all escape in different ways and we do it in tiny ways every day if we're not careful.


I woke up this morning and read this in my devotional:

"Clouds have skirted in heavy from the west. The walls in the kitchen have fallen gray and silent. Joshua's playing it quietly, up and down the piano this morning, the Music Box Dancer. A friend laid out in great detail this weekend how the economy is about to implode. Chronic illness flares. Teenagers ask big questions. I keep smoothing out calendar pages, pushing things back ... What is the answer to anxiety? Joshua's playing so sure, the house lilting, tilting with happiness. That's what Calvin wrote. 'The stability of the world depends on this rejoicing of God in his works.' And again, 'If on earth, such praise of God does not come to pass, .... then the whole order of nature will be thrown into confusion.' Our worlds reel unless we rejoice." (Ann Voskamp)

After finishing those pages and jotting down a few thoughts in my journal, I looked at my phone and saw the news of Anthony Bourdain.

Just a couple of days ago, I posted this video. It's a clip of one of the songs I wrote in the time I was facing anxiety every day.

Soon after that I heard about Kate Spade.

All I can do is claim my experience and what I've learned. And that is this - Jesus saved me from my anxiety. And he is still saving me from it on the rare occasion that it still peeks its ugly head into my day. He didn't delete it. He didn't fix me in one fell swoop. He didn't make life suddenly perfect. But he was with me in it, walking next to me, assuring me of his presence, redeeming things. Were there other factors that helped me along the way? Absolutely. My friends, my church, my family, songwriting, counseling. But I know for sure that darkness could have overcome me if it weren't for the hope and joy that Jesus offers.

And aren't we all just one step away from darkness completely overcoming us? No one is exempt. The prettiest, the wealthiest, the most successful, the funniest, the most extroverted, the most famous. And to be sure that I'm clear - not even those of us who love Jesus and know Jesus and follow Jesus. We are not exempt from hearing the lie that the darkness would love for us to believe. That there's no need for us to be around.


The word I keep coming back to today is permission. Permission to say the words, "I'm depressed, I'm anxious, I don't feel like myself, I don't know if I want to live anymore, I need help, I don't know what to do."

Maybe some of us haven't done a good job of giving that permission to those around us. Can we hear those words from the person who is usually the life of the party? Can we hear those words from the person who has it all together all of the time? Can we hear those words from the person who is always the one that shows up, helps, and gives their time to meet others' needs?

Can we hear those words from the person who has talent, money, success, and fame? Can we hear them without wondering, "But he had all of these things! How could he possibly have been so miserable?" It is that very thought that keeps us thinking there is a formula for mental illness.

If we can hear these words from the people around us, I mean really hear them and allow them to be true without attempting to explain them away, I think things could begin to change.

For what it's worth, this is what I want to say to anyone who is struggling:

The world is not going to be better without you.
You are not a burden to anyone.
You are important and valued and wanted.
Things can and will change.
Tell someone how you feel.
There is hope.

the art of replacing

(photo by Kelsi Pritchard Photography)

I'll just separate big kid toys and baby toys, I thought.

But small non-baby-friendly items always found their way to our floor and into Veda's mouth. I couldn't really prevent it. But one thing I could do was teach the big kids what kinds of things Veda could play with and what kinds of things we should take from her.

There were two ways to go about this. We could frustrate Veda and create conflict by ripping it away quickly, saying "No!", and going back to whatever we were doing. Or we could gently remove the toy from her hands, saying "No, no, Veda. Not for you," and then give her something better to replace it. I'm always telling Duke and Nova to be sure and give her something else when you take something away.

Several years ago, I learned the skill of replacing worry/fear/anxious thoughts in my mind with truth, with scripture, or, really, with just about anything else.

I used The Rule of 5 a lot when I was first learning how to fight those panicked feelings that would rise up in me. It was something I intuitively did before knowing it was an actual technique. I replaced whatever anxious thoughts were going on in my mind with what was actually happening around me by finding these things:

5 things you can see

4 things you can touch

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell

1 thing you can taste

There were a few months in that same season of life when I would recite Psalm 91:9-10 in my head over and over every night until I fell asleep. Nights were hard because they were silent and still. If I wasn't intentional, I would end up in a dark place mentally.

We can't think about two things at one time, so understanding I had control over what I thought about and what I dwelled on was reassuring. It was hard work, yes, but it was not impossible work. And the reason it wasn't impossible was because I replaced what was harmful for me with what was life-giving.

It felt forced, disciplined, and even contrived sometimes. I didn't necessarily believe the truth or believe the scripture every single time. But it got me out of the pit and it set my gaze in the right direction. Eventually those things did become true and genuine. I felt them deep down in my soul. Eventually the art of replacing fear became a natural reaction when it crept up. I hardly even had to remember to do it.

I'm not in a different spot now because I simply stopped being fearful or I stopped thinking anxious thoughts. I'm in a different spot because I replaced (and replace) fear and anxious thoughts with something else.  Of course, there will always be an opportunity to go down that familiar path. I am not exempt from facing fear and anxiety. However, I am set free from their grip and control. They are no longer running the show. And if I want to continue living free from fear and anxiety, something will always have to go in their place.

It seemed daunting to work through all of it right at first. I remember thinking, "I'm going to feel like this for the rest of my life." I couldn't see how life could change or be different. And I had a feeling that even if it could or would be, it would take a significant amount of work on my part and a complete surrender of my old life, old reactions, old thought patterns, and old habits. I would have to be reworked from the inside out. It would be exhausting.

But what I know to be true is that life with God is not a life of less. It's not a life of restriction or a life of rules. It is a life of more, a life of freedom. It's a freedom we can't quite understand sometimes because we have built up our own prisons that we've gotten really comfortable with.

I had become comfortable navigating the circumstances of life with fear-colored glasses, seeing the next problem, conflict, or scary situation on the horizon. I believed that if I thought through all the scenarios that could ever play out in life that I would somehow secure my future. I would be surprised by nothing, I thought. I believed that my knowledge of all of these possible plot twists somehow put me in control. That my ability to forecast all potential outcomes was some sort of guarantee that if something truly awful did happen, I would escape the full painful result of it simply because I had rightly predicted it. That it wouldn't affect me as much because I saw it coming.

This was the prison I had created for myself without knowing it. Deep within me was a desire to be safe, right, and unaffected by tragedy. And instead of running to God for my security, I built a prison of control with my own hands in an attempt to dodge disaster.

Of course, I had never identified any of these beliefs or lies until everything came crashing down. Until the panic attack.

That was something I hadn't planned for, something I hadn't seen on the horizon. I had missed it. I hadn't thought about that type of devastation as an option. And then it hit me. Even if I plan for all the really bad things I can come up with in my mind, I could still be blindsided by something else terrible. I had to come to the realization that I had absolutely zero control over my surroundings or the future, and that was terrifying.

But finally, because my illusion of control had been shattered, I was able to see clearly how I was operating out of fear. It was scary, but it was exactly what I needed.

God was teaching me to give up and surrender control and fear so that he could give me the really great things that would replace them. They would be things that were better for me, things that would not harm me the way those things would.

When God is asking us for something, it is because there is something better on the other side. God asks to take something from me so that he can replace it with something I can't give myself.

God asks for my Fear and replaces it with a Sound Mind.
God asks for my Anxiety and replaces it with Faith.
God asks for my Control and replaces it with Trust.
God asks for my Scarcity Mindset and replaces it with Give Us This Day, Our Daily Bread.
God asks for my Anger and replaces it with Patience.
God asks for my Self-Righteousness and replaces it with Humility.
God asks for my Judgement and replaces it with Compassion.
God asks for my Perfection and replaces it with Grace.
God asks for my Sin and replaces it with Freedom.
God asks for my Secrets and replaces it with Being Truly Known.
God asks for my Mundane and replaces it with Perspective.

If I let him in, he will build things in me I cannot build for myself.

I love Veda. If I take something from her hands, it is for her good. Instead of that tiny lego that Veda thinks she wants to choke on, I give her a toy cookie jar that lights up, sings songs, and teaches her shapes and numbers. And if she knew what I knew, she'd choose the cookie jar too.

I have learned and am continuing to learn that I can trust that the thing God is working on in me is for my greater good. It is for an outcome far better than I could imagine. And he wants to do the same thing for you.


*I've linked several other blog posts throughout this post in hopes that they will be helpful or encouraging to some of you. If you're interested reading all of my blog posts on the topics of anxiety, fear, or panic attacks, click here to see them all in one place.

five years ago

Five years ago, I went on a triple date with some of my closest friends. I ended up having my first ever panic attack which set the stage for a journey with anxiety.

Five years ago, I woke up thinking one way about mental illness and went to bed thinking another.

This particular story in my life is one of my favorites to tell because it tells of both the powerful nature of God and the practical nature of God. I think that sometimes we feel like we have to side with one, and that's just not the case. God is a supernatural healer yet he also allows us to work and fight through our struggles.

I will never forget the night that I felt the supernatural healing of God. I was experiencing and had been experiencing the symptoms of anxiety for five days at that point. I was shaky, my heart was racing, and my chest was burning. All the classic anxiety markers. And in that moment in bed when I had a revelation of what the Lord was doing in my life, it was as if a fresh wind blew over me. Every symptom immediately left.

But I wasn't miraculously healed for good. There was still work to be done. I saw a counselor, I recited scripture over and over in my head to fall asleep at night, my community prayed for me, my friends rallied around me, my family supported me, my church offered a safe place for me, and my husband walked every single step of it with me. I trusted and believed in the Lord's healing power, but I also had to trust the Lord's healing process. 

I know mental illness has gone from being a thing we don't talk about to almost being a "fad." To someone unfamiliar with it, it may seem like it's all being blown out of proportion. But I assure you that there's nothing wonderful about feeling like your mind isn't right, and it truly is just as awful as we all make it out to be.

But the hope is this - there is a Healer who wants to walk in it with us. His plan could include healing, hard work, counseling, medicine, prayer, practical coping strategies, or memorizing scripture. There is a place for all of it and no one journey looks the same.

As I was driving today, I got teary thanking God for where he has brought me. Back in 2012, I couldn't have imagined there being a time when I would feel normal in my mind or body. It's so good to look back and remember. Reminding our souls of the faithfulness of God is powerful. Sometimes it is that simple act of reminding that pushes us forward in dark stretches where there seems to be no hope or light.

I don't look back on all of it with fondness, but I do look back on it with thankfulness. It was hard and painful work, but it changed me. July 20th will always remind me of the Lord's goodness, the importance of compassion for others' stories even when we don't understand, and the circle of amazing people that pulled me through a dark season.

We all have a story to tell. Yours may feel small. Mine feels small. But the conversations I've gotten to have with people over the years because of it have been big. I will keep telling this story until I have no fingers to type it and no breath to say it, not because it boasts of me but because it boasts of God.

Tell your story. Your story could be the beginning of someone else's.

{I have shared a lot about anxiety on my blog and you can read any of those posts here. To read the story of the panic attack and the days following, click here and scroll down to the bottom to start at the first post.}

taking the power out of panic attacks

All I was doing was listening to a story that Colt was telling in the car. Nothing crazy was happening. But it doesn't always take something crazy to rev up panicked feelings.

I've had a few panic attacks in my life, all of which happened within the same 5 day period. They are awful no matter when they happen but they're especially terrifying when they happen for the first time and you have no reference point for them.

When panicked feelings come up in me now, I have tools for dealing with them. I had to dig these tools out during a conversation with Colt in the car just a few weeks ago. We were on our way to church on a sunny day. Colt was telling me a story that was semi-stressful. I say "semi" because it was only stressful on his end. I was simply a listener and the story had nothing to do with me personally. But somehow, I was triggered. Maybe I was feeling the weight of it. Maybe I was putting myself in Colt's shoes or another character's shoes in the story. I have no idea what actually occurred in my brain. But one moment I was fine and the next I was not.

There was nothing to panic about and no apparent danger, but my body was reacting and telling my brain otherwise.

After dealing with the panic the way I knew how, it subsided and was gone. Colt had no idea what was happening, but after he finished talking, I told him that I just fought off a panic attack.

As the days have passed by, I keep going back to that car ride. Moments like that don't happen often, but I wouldn't say they are rare either. I have had handfuls of almost-panic attacks and I knew what to do. But something unique happened this time. While the panic began to stir, this string of thoughts ran through my head: What if I had to start living like this again? What if anxiety hit me again and I had to deal with it every single day? I can't do it again. It's so awful and dark and hopeless. It makes life feel pointless and like it's not even worth getting up for.

All of the words tumbled in, uninvited, one after the other. I haven't been in that spot mentally in 4 years and I've forgotten what it feels like to think like that. It was as if the Lord was giving me a reminder. And I truly believe that moment and those thoughts occurred because I'm supposed to tell you about all of it. I'm supposed to share how panic attacks feel and how to fight them.

I want to help take away the mystery and power of panic attacks. Sometimes when we keep things stuffed away in a secret place, they grow into bigger, scarier monsters. I'd love to pull the Panic Attack Monster out of the closet, show you exactly what he looks like and reveal how powerless he really is.

(A quick note: This is not a "how to not have anxiety" self-help post. This information from my experience is specific to panic attacks, not anxiety or depression. If you are experiencing ongoing anxiety or depression, I cannot encourage you enough to see a counselor and get help. For some, managing panic attacks is doable and is the extent of the problem. And for others, more is needed. More was needed for me back in 2012. Do not feel inadequate if you are in the latter category. Getting help is a brave and wise decision.)

My mind was blown 4 years ago when my counselor told me that having a panic attack was up to me. I'm in charge of this thing? It was scary and overwhelming, yet also very empowering. So I'm telling you the same thing. You can feel the start of a panic attack without having it turn into a full-blown one.

So let's start at the beginning of a panic attack.

There's a trigger. Sometimes I can pinpoint it and sometimes I can't. The list includes but is not limited to unusually stressful or chaotic situations, feelings of being physically trapped, large amounts of conflict in the room, dark stories/movies on screens (Batman is obviously the reason for this), etc. Sometimes there is a reason why these feelings start up and sometimes there is no reason at all. But it's worth looking at what scene is set up for you when you begin experiencing panic. You may find common threads and be able to identify some triggers.

Next, you start feeling things. Usually the first thing I feel is a hot tingling run through my body from head to toe. Immediately after that, I feel short of breath and my heart starts racing.

Up until this point, there's nothing that has happened that has been within my control. All of it has been immediate, involuntary, and unstoppable. But right here - this is where I have a choice. And so do you.

Here's what I do:

Breathe. For me, I've found that if I don't get my breathing managed, then my mind may run away. I take deep breaths in my nose and out my mouth. If I'm in a car when this happens, I point the air conditioner my way or roll down the window. If I have access to the outdoors, then I step outside. That seems to help.

Think and look around. Back in 2013, I wrote about how I began feeling some panic while we were out with friends. My response was to begin narrating the scene in my head. In my post, I wrote:

"While eating delicious meals at restaurants and having great conversation ... BAM - one of those thoughts that doesn't belong.  It was many things.  You don't deserve to be away from Duke enjoying yourself like this.  You should be home with him.  You don't know what could happen.  You won't be able to get to him fast enough.  Don't you remember what happened?  Something is going to go wrong. Immediately, I had redirect myself. It seemed so elementary, but I had to think about where I was, what I was doing, and who I was looking at.  My name is Claire and I'm in Norman and I'm eating these chips and this queso is so tasty and Ashley just said something really funny and ... You can't think about two things at once, so if consciously thinking about putting a chip in my mouth was going to eliminate fearful thoughts, then that's what had to happen." (from my post, Learning to Fight Fear)

No one actually told me to do that, but I found that it turned a panicked situation completely around. And it's worked every time since. It's only been in the recent months that a wise woman/counselor/mentor at my church explained The Rule of 5 for panic attacks. As it turns out, I was unknowingly doing something that is recommended. Find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. Panic attacks want to take you to a faraway and nonexistent land of imminent danger. This technique keeps you grounded in the here and now.

I am so thankful I haven't had any other panic attacks since the ones I had in 2012. However, that doesn't mean they haven't knocked at my door. The opportunity has been there, but I haven't allowed them to manifest themselves into anything more. And that's not because I'm awesome and strong. I believe many things contribute to this - my relationship with God, prayer, counseling, the tools I use to combat panic, and the community of people around me.

If you are in a dark spot, wondering why you feel these sudden waves of heat and panic or why your heart starts racing in a completely safe situation, then you may be experiencing symptoms of a panic attack. I'm no doctor, but it's worth considering. Don't be afraid to speak it out loud to the people around you. Don't be afraid to ask your friends or doctor about what you're feeling. Don't be afraid to see a counselor.

Don't be afraid of panic attacks. You're bigger than they are and you've got this.

the story behind our new EP

Asking people for money is one of the worst things. But when you're a musician wanting to make a record in 2016, it's hard to get around it. The majority of music is practically free these days and not many people will even fork out $10 for an album done by their most favorite artist. Which is why I'm here asking you for help.

But before I get any further, let me start at the beginning.

First of all, I'm in a band. We recently launched a Kickstarter campaign to fund our next EP which we plan to release this summer/fall. Although our Kickstarter promo video shares a general idea of where these songs come from, I wanted to give a more detailed account here. So, if you're wanting the full story behind our upcoming EP, you're in the right place.

On July 20th, 2012, I released my first EP as a "solo artist." (I use quotes because while I do take my music seriously, I don't take myself that seriously. But I'm not sure what else to call that first project of mine.) My goal for this little EP was to have a simple representation of my music - just me and the piano. Up until that point, I'd always worked with our band, Mopak, on Colt's songs. Recording my own songs was a big step for me and I was excited to conquer that uncharted territory, small as it was.

On the night of that same day, July 20th, my life changed. We were out on a triple date with some of our best friends (the folks who make up Mopak and their wives) when I had an unbelievable and sudden panic attack. My first one ever. I had no reference point for this. Little did I know, I would spend the next days filled with excruciating anxiety, visiting the ER, and getting prescribed Xanax because "sometimes these things just happen." Needless to say, the accomplishment of releasing my solo EP was buried and marked in my heart and memory as being one of the scariest days of my life.

If you've been a part of my life or read my blog for any amount of time, you know the rest of this story. (The whole story is here.) After months of counseling, lots of prayer, and lots of wonderful people encouraging me, I reached a point where I had found a new normal. No, my anxiety wasn't eliminated, but I could manage it.

As I was coming out of this really dark season, I began to write songs that were very specific to my struggle. I dreamed of one day recording an EP that would tell this story from start to finish. I had a few songs written, but couldn't seem to complete the project. Those songs sat in my notebook for quite awhile.

Fast forward to May of 2014.

I was faced with new challenges as I waited on Nova's arrival (my second child), didn't experience the birth I had hoped for, and struggled to nurse her. There were some emotions that were uncovered through all of those hard moments that I hadn't really experienced before. A spirit of disillusionment, anger, and disbelief began stirring in my heart. For lack of a better phrase, I struggled with my faith. I think "struggled with my faith" sounds really sweet and hopeful sometimes. But this wasn't that way.  I was questioning the character of God and it was a devastating feeling.

As I moved through that season, I realized there were some common threads between those two journeys. Both of these journeys (the anxiety and the struggles with Nova) exposed who I really was and what I really thought. I learned things about myself that I'd never known before.

In the midst of that struggle in 2014, I dug those songs back out from 2012. I began adding to them, making changes, and writing new ones. Then it hit me. All of this went together. It was one big story about coming out on the other side of doubt, frustration, cynicism, anxiety, confusion, and abandonment. It's a story of being honest with yourself and others about who you are and what you think. It's a story of working through something really hard and allowing yourself to be changed because of it. It's a story that we all relate to.

We all walk through dark places. Not one person is exempt. But what we do with all of it either pushes us forward into better versions of ourselves or keeps us imprisoned to bitterness, grudges, pride, and isolation.

So that's the background of this whole thing. And here's where you come in.

We need help. More specifically, we need money.

Think of it as supporting people who are doing what they love. Think of it as supporting the art of music. Think of it as supporting honest storytelling. Or just think of it as a pre-order.

Releasing this EP will be a milestone for me. It's a way of redeeming that release on July 20th, 2012 that quickly became overshadowed by darkness. It's the end of a chapter, the tying of loose ends, the closing of a book. Sharing these songs is part of the closure associated with these seasons of life. Sharing these songs is part of the healing process. This EP is a full-circle moment for me.

I'm asking for your support to get this record done. I'm really proud of these songs and if you're a human who likes music and has endured any kind of hardship in your life, I think you'll like them too. I kindly ask you to please consider helping us make this EP by giving to our Kickstarter, and by spreading the word to any who might be interested.

Kickstarter

Mopak Website

Mopak on Twitter

Mopak on Facebook

Mopak on Instagram

i went to the movies

"The real problem has far less to do with what is really out there than it does with our resistance to finding out what is really out there.  The suffering comes from our reluctance to learn to walk in the dark."

Yesterday I did something really brave.  I was offered a chance to conquer my fear.  I've been offered chances like these off and on for the past few years and I've always declined.  But something felt different this time.  It felt less scary.  And there was something inside of me that thought maybe I can do this.  I went back and forth several times, but I ended up saying yes.

I went to the movies.

"When we run from darkness, how much do we really know about what we are running from?  If we turn away from darkness on principle, doing everything we can to avoid it because there is simply no telling what it contains, isn't there a chance that what we are running from is God?"

When you have a panic attack followed by painful anxiety, everything related to the onset becomes a trigger.  At least that's how it was for me.  Every piece of that day turned grey and joyless.  The things themselves did not scare me but the association that those things had with the anxiety terrified me.

I was in a movie theater on July 20, 2012 when I had the panic attack, so I stopped going to movies.  I was watching "The Dark Knight Rises" so almost everything Batman related, especially Bane and his voice, made (and kind of still make) me shutter.  It all happened on a weekend, so for several months, I dreaded weekends and my anxiety was sky high every Saturday.  Duke was being watched by someone else (that someone else was Sara so it was the best someone else, but still someone else), so any time we left Duke in the months following there were lots of pep talks, prayers, and encouragement from Colt involved.  We went to Fuzzy's downtown before the movie and I just recently went to Fuzzy's in Norman for the first time since.  Everything from that day became dark and full of fear.

"For good or ill, no one can do your work for you while you are in this dark place.  It has your name all over it, and the only way out is through." 

Everything that anxiety slithers its way into changes from that point on.  Everything it touches becomes something different.  Things you used to love turn into things that only bring you pain.

But I said yes last night.

It had been 3.5 years since I'd been in a movie theater.  I stepped up to buy my ticket and I thought to myself I don't even remember what the price for a movie ticket is.  I forgot that the actual movie wouldn't start at 7:15 p.m. but that the previews would start then.  About 15 minutes into the movie, I remembered that there was a cup holder for my drink.  I had been bending down to grab my coke each time I wanted a sip.  I guess 3.5 years away was a bit significant.

The previews made me a little ansy.  I forgot how movie previews throw your emotions all over the map in a matter of minutes.  By the time the movie started, I was kind of exhausted, but I knew that focusing on one plot and one set of characters would be better.  It wasn't long before I forgot where I was and what I was doing.  I was laughing, eating popcorn, and enjoying the movie.

"I learned that sadness does not sink a person; it is the energy a person spends trying to avoid sadness that does that."

We're not made to live in fear.  I'm not supposed to be scared of movie theaters for the rest of my life because of one awful, life-changing experience.  I did need time away from them.  I did need to work through all of those triggers.  I did need to see a counselor to fully understand myself and what was actually happening.  But the things my anxiety touched were not and are not forever tainted.  That's not how God works.

"I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light.  I need darkness as much as I need light."

After it all happened in 2012, I quickly threw Batman, Fuzzy's, Saturdays, and babysitters in a box labeled "THINGS I'M SCARED OF. DO NOT OPEN EVER AGAIN."  But over time, God has slowly and gently pulled my fears out of that box, one by one, and redeemed them.  It's as if he has said, "See?  Look at this one, Claire.  It doesn't look the same as it did back when you put it in the box.  It's not scary anymore."  I'm not a fearless person, no.  I will always have my work cut out for me in that arena.  But I have seen where fear gets me so I'm going to fight fear for as long as I live.

"To be human is to live by sunlight and moonlight, with anxiety and delight, admitting limits and transcending them, falling down and rising up.  To want a life with only half of these things in it is to want half a life, shutting the other half away where it will not interfere with one's bright fantasies of the way things ought to be."
 

My life before that day in 2012 was very controlled (or so I thought).  I had a tight grip on everything around me and fear was the driving force.  But on that day, the lid popped off.  My counselor explained to me in one of our sessions that a panic attack like that was probably bound to happen.  You can only bottle up so much fear before it bursts open.  But I'm so glad it all happened.  I was forced to rethink things.  I had to undo a lot of destructive mental pathways that were comfortable.  I had to ask myself whether or not I was making decisions out of fear or out of faith.  Ultimately, I realized that I had no control and that I really was just a depraved human in need of a Savior.  I would have never learned what I needed to learn or become who I needed to become without being in a dark place like that.

"God puts out our lights to keep us safe, John says, because we are never more in danger of stumbling than when we think we know where we are going."

I'm so thankful to know a God who is so kind and gracious.  I feel like I had addressed almost all of the fears related to my anxiety except for this one – going to the movies.  I knew I could trust God to take care of me but my heart just wasn't ready.  As silly as it may sound to you, I felt God's delight in me last night as I sat in that theater.  He wasn't annoyed that it took me that long to believe him.  He wasn't mad that I had waited that long to hand over that fear.  He has been patiently and lovingly waiting for me.  He has been in this with me from day one.  He hasn't missed out on one moment of the journey.

And he's doing the same for you.

You may feel stuck, but you're not.  You may feel like a situation, relationship, or mental illness defines you, but they don't.  We all have dark places in our lives, but we are not bound by them.  We are not backed into a corner forever because of our circumstances today.  What Satan means for evil, God means for good.

"It is the inability to bear dark emotions that causes many of our most significant problems, in other words, and not the emotions themselves.  The emotions themselves are conduits of pure energy that want something from us:  to wake us up, to tell us something we need to know, to break the ice around our hearts, to move us to act."

(All quotes are from "Learning to Walk in the Dark" by Barbara Brown Taylor)

areas to examine when overcoming anxiety

Three years ago, I had my first ever panic attack.  If you want the long story, you can read it all here.  But the short story is that I had the panic attack, it continued for 5 straight days, I had a moment of revelation with the Lord and felt immediate physical relief, I continued my battle with anxiety, sought counseling, prayer, and anything else I could get my hands on, and am now in a completely different spot than I ever imagined I'd be in.  Although going through all of that was truly awful, I'm better for it and I'm grateful to be able to empathize with others who are struggling.

Before all of this, my perception of mental illness was completely inaccurate.  It seemed weak and, honestly, just kind of silly.  Why can't people just get a grip?  I know that kind of perspective is shared among many people who have never experienced a mental illness or walked alongside someone who has.  Sometimes it's because of a lack of compassion, but sometimes it's just because they don't know any better. 

Sure, we all deal with anxiety on some level.  But when it stops your life, takes over your brain, causes you physical symptoms and pain, clouds your mind with fear ... that's when you know you have a problem that needs serious attention.  That's a mental illness, not just a little case of worrying too much. 

By the grace of God, I am currently in a place where I don't deal with anxiety on a daily basis.  It's very situational and even then, I feel capable of managing it and coping.  Since I'm on the other side of it, I wanted to write out what I believe are the areas to examine and consider when overcoming anxiety.  I'm not a doctor and I'm not a therapist, but I am a person who has been in the dark and come into the light.  I am speaking from my personal experience. 

SPIRITUAL LAYERS

I would say that in most cases, there is a spiritual aspect involved with anxiety.  I believe that a lot of the time, anxiety is our body's response to holding on too tightly to too much.  That can mean a lot of things.  We can hold on too tightly to our children, our husband, our future, our status, our job, our financial situation, a specific problem going on.  You get the idea.

From what I've seen and experienced, anxiety comes from a loss of control that we thought we had.  But the reality is that the only control we really have in life is over our own decisions - our own responses to what life deals us.  We cannot control the safety of our children or the security of our job or the outcome of the future.  This is why it's so important to know where we place our trust.

Now, one of the most frustrating things is when Christians think that a good sermon on worry or a list of bible verses will cure anxiety.  It's just not true.  So, while I am saying that there is a spiritual element that needs to be dealt with, it is not the quick fix for a mental illness.  There is still plenty more that needs to be considered.

MEDICATION

In some cases, medicine is needed.   All I will say about that is that even with a medication, I would strongly encourage you to still seek out counsel and help for the anxiety or depression or whatever mental illness you're struggling with.  This is not something you want to let linger.  Treating a mental illness solely with medication is only part of the process.  You should dig deeper into it, whether that is alongside medication or not.

GUARD YOUR HEART

(There are moments of anxiety and depression when you really aren't in a place where guarding your heart is possible.  From what I know, the beginnings of most mental illness cases are like that.  It's like your brain is locked in one spot and can't get out.  Sometimes you're just stuck dealing with the shock of it all.  That's where counseling really comes in.  This specific point may not come into play for some people until some healing has already begun.)  

Guarding our hearts is something we have to practice.  It helps keep us from going back to that dark place.  It's also a great preventative habit to start now even if you've never had serious issues with anxiety.  An awful thought may come to mind, but we are in charge of whether or not we let it spin out of control into a completely false fear-based reality.  We choose what we let into our minds and hearts.

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."  Psalm 4:23

I like this quote from a book study I did a few years ago:

"When you have a thought, it lingers in your brain for anywhere from thirty seconds to several minutes, and then it seeps into your heart.  During those seconds or minutes you can take the negative thoughts captive and deny their entry into your heart ... Thoughts will reach your heart either way, but you have a choice to hide them in your heart or throw them in the trash." Guarding Your Child's Heart by Gary Smalley

You get to choose what you think about each day.

In my opinion, our society is pretty bad at this.  It seems like we mope around as these weak mental beings.

I can't help it.  
I just fell out of love with her and that's why I cheated.  
It's what comes naturally, so I did it.  
I need to do what's right for me and what feels good.
That's just who I am and I can't change that. 

I'm not talking about being true to yourself versus being like someone else.  I'm talking about fighting for what's right and best versus giving in to every little desire or fleeting thought we have.

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you."  Philippians 4:8-9

Take charge and push out the dark thoughts.  So what does this look like?  For me, it looked like stopping trails of fearful thoughts in my head and choosing to think about something else.  It looked like focusing on exactly what I was doing at every single moment of the day instead of allowing anxiety of the future or "what ifs" to take over.  It looked like choosing not to watch the news or other shows and movies that I knew would take my heart to a place it didn't need to be.  It looked like getting up to do something different with my body if I felt the physical symptoms of anxiety start to rise up in my chest.  Baby step by baby step, I replaced negative or fear-based thoughts with truth.  Over time, all of those baby steps added up.

GET HELP

If you suffer from anxiety (or any mental illness) and haven't sought any help, consider this your sign to get help.  GET HELP.  You can have the strongest support system around you and still need a professional counselor.  Everyone can benefit from counseling, but people who are weighed down by anxiety most definitely need it.  You may not think it will really help you, but it will.  You may be nervous about talking to a stranger, but I think you'll find it's easier than you imagined.  You may worry that asking for help is a sign of your weakness, but it is in the weakest times that you are able to become who the Lord is making you to be.

Do not put off getting help.  You are valued, you are important, you are worth the money, you are worth finding childcare.  It's critical that you talk to someone.

When it comes to anxiety, I know I'm not alone.  And if I thought I was alone when it was all happening, I quickly realized I wasn't as soon as I started sharing my story on my blog back in 2012.  So many people deal with some sort of mental illness.  Sometimes it's a lifelong struggle and sometimes it's situational.  It looks different for all of us.  But a lot of people are suffering mentally and you need to know you're not the only one. 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by any sort of mental illness, seek help immediately.  You need people to walk through this with you.  Know that you are not alone and that you can conquer.  Yes, there may be a long, exhausting road ahead of you, but there is hope.  There is light on the other side.

mental illnesses aren't just for the crazies

The world is going to miss Robin Williams.

Because of his death, depression has become a hot topic.  For some, there may be a temptation to say, "People need to just get over it." Or, "Find a new hobby."  Or, "Work on your relationship with God."  (Which may actually be the worst of those 3.)  The truth?  None of those are fixes.

"Getting over it" is something that we do when someone flips us off on the highway.  It's not a feasible solution for overcoming depression.  And while I do believe that participating in life-giving hobbies is beneficial to our souls, it doesn't have the capability to block out depression.  No doubt in my mind that there is a ton of spiritual stuff at the bottom of depression/anxiety issues, but getting to a new place with it takes much more than Bible verses on note cards.

I am in a different spot in my life because of the anxiety that started in 2012.  Now, I feel almost completely healed.  However, I'm always susceptible to it and still work hard to guard my mind and heart every single day from darknesses that just won't benefit me.

For me, the "fix" was a combination of things.  I talked with friends about it.  I went to counseling for several months.  I prayed and received lots of prayer.  I clung to God like nobody's business.  All of that pulled me through.  But in order to maintain where I am right now, I have to be careful, paying attention to everything that I allow to fill my mind, how far I let my brain spin an awful situation, and how much I let myself dwell on the future.  It's still work, but I'd rather be managing anxiety than be crippled by it.  I got to the other side and I'm so grateful.  But I'm one case.  And how silly it would be to assume that all cases of anxiety/depression are the same.

Some people need medication, some don't.  But ALL need help in some way.  ALL need to talk through things, express the truth, and feel understood. 

If you haven't ever experienced it yourself or walked with someone who has experienced it, count yourself blessed.  But with that, muster up as much compassion as you can for those that are struggling.  I truly used to think mental illnesses were just, well, for mental people.  The crazies.  The people with bad home lives.  The people who were just too weak to handle life.  The people who just needed the Lord.  I was so wrong.  Turns out, mental illnesses can affect anyone and everyone - even the "normal" people.

It's unbearable and isolating.  It's empty.  It sounds crazy because it feels crazy.  It's terrible feeling the symptoms of anxiety and depression emotionally and physically. 

If you are struggling with a deep feeling of sadness/emptiness/loneliness/nothingness, get help.  If life feels impossible, get help.  You don't have to live in darkness every day.  You may have to battle it every day, but you don't have to live in a state of helplessness.  Things can be better for you. 

It's not weird to have anxiety or depression.  It just feels weird because it's so misunderstood.  It'd be easier if it was an ailment that just needed an antibiotic, but it's not.  It's hard work, but it's worth pushing through to get to the other side.  Worth every penny spent on medication or counseling, worth every tear that you dread shedding in front of a counselor you don't know, worth every uncomfortable word you speak to your friends/family as you explain your situation.  All of it is worth it because you're worth it.

Give yourself a gift by allowing yourself to overcome darkness and find the light.  The light isn't full of perfect people, but people just like you and me who are fighting to be who they were created to be.  Darkness doesn't have to win.  And, really, it's already lost.

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart, because I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

{For all posts on anxiety/fear/panic attacks, click here.}

felicity and the dumbing down of anxiety

I started watching Felicity right after I had Duke because I really wanted "a show."  When Duke went through his nurse-for-45-minutes-to-an-hour phase, it became my nursing show.  It intrigued me as a pre-teen, but I didn't really think it was 6th grade level subject matter, so I never watched it.  But now, my totally mature 27 year old self loves watching all of these college kids find their way through the ups and downs of life at the "University of New York."

(I also have a special connection with Keri Russell.  After all, the reason I chopped all my hair off the summer before my junior year of high school was because that's what Felicity did.  Even though I hadn't seen the actual show, I thought Keri looked awesome.  And the idea of not having to deal with my ridiculously thick and spiral curled mane sounded really great.) 

I recently watched Episode 16 of season 3 when a tiny part of the plot had to do with Javier having a panic attack.  They rushed him to the hospital and after a series of tests, the doctor came in happily proclaiming that it was just a panic attack.  Javier was giddy with excitement at the results.  It wasn't a heart attack!  I'm not dying!

Last week as I was driving and listening to Delilah on 104.1, she came across a listener's anonymous letter about a struggle with anxiety.  Delilah was sweet as usual, but then she said something like, "But honey, we're human.  We all deal with anxiety.  You're not a unique case and you're not alone."

#594 on the list of things you never say to someone who deals with anxiety.

Now, I'm not dissing Felicity's take on panic attacks or Delilah's response to an anxious listener.  I'm just pointing out why sometimes it's hard for people who struggle with it to feel comfortable admitting it.  It's just a panic attack.  It's just anxiety like we all experience.  It can all get so dumbed down.

Hearing "you had a panic attack" was a really confusing moment for me.  It wasn't a conclusion, it wasn't an answer, and it wasn't a fix.  In fact, hearing "you had a panic attack" opened up a whole new can of worms.  Why did I have a panic attack?  Have I ever had one before?  Do things like this just happen to people?  Are there deeper issues that I haven't even uncovered yet?  Will I have panic attacks for the rest of my life?

Recognizing that you are a person who has had a legitimate panic attack or who is dealing with legitimate anxiety is really hard.  It's not the end of something, but rather the beginning. 

In my case, I was fortunate when I experienced my first panic attack and went through counseling for anxiety.  I was surrounded by 2 people in particular that understood exactly what I was dealing with.  Although it didn't lessen my pain or lessen the difficulty, at least I knew that someone genuinely understood.  So to any of you who feel like you don't have that person who really understands, I will gladly be that person for you.

If you are dealing with something like this, know that it's way better to press into the pain of it and get to the bottom of it.  It's best to talk to someone about it.  You can't keep it inside and you can't carry it alone.  Maybe you've felt silly because of things like Felicity episodes about panic attacks or Delilah's advice about anxiety.  Maybe comments or reactions like that have caused you to retreat and deny even more.  Maybe you feel completely alone.  But you need to know that there are people/counselors/friends out there who understand and want to help.  Your life does not have to be defined or ruled by anxiety or panic attacks.  There is hope and there is a way out.

{The story behind my first panic attack and my journey the days following starts here if you'd like to read it.}

a glimpse of courage in duke

What is it about seeing your child act courageously that makes you want to bawl like a baby?

I got a glimpse of this when Duke got his first and (so far) only stitches back in January of 2013.

I got another glimpse of this at his 2-year-old well check when he choked back tears with quivering lips.  He was uncomfortable and didn't want that silly instrument in his ears, but he knew it needed to be done.  And he knew I was right there with him.  I saw him swallow back the urge to scream and fight.

The most recent glimpse of this was at the eye doctor.

Duke had been doing a few things that made me question the health of his eyes.  I didn't know if it was an actual vision issue or if there was just something irritating him.  Either way, my pediatrician advised me that if I got that feeling in my "mom gut" to get him checked out, then I should do it.

I really had no idea what to expect.  I've only had glasses/contacts since my senior year of high school.  Thinking about a little person like Duke getting his eyes checked seemed practically impossible.  How would they accomplish this task with a squirmy toddler?  

My nerves subsided when we walked in the door and were greeted by 4 young women with smiling faces behind the desk.  They had this kid thing down.  And, of course, there was a little aquarium that stole Duke's attention from the start.  We watched the fish swim around until they finally called us back.

After talking with the nurse a bit, she informed me that in order to check the health of the eyes at this age, they'd need to dilate them.  I hate getting my eyes dilated the one time per year I have to do it so I knew Duke wouldn't be a huge fan.  Although he whined a bit while the eye drops were going in, he quickly calmed down when he noticed a huge jar of chocolate in front of his face.  The nurse said he could have a piece of chocolate since he did such a great job.  He looked at her, looked at me, and then said, "One?"  (We're big into "one" around here.  Just one cookie.  Just one gummy vitamin.  Just one more drink.)  "Yeah!  You can have one!" I said. 

Duke opened his Reese's peanut butter cup, the nurse turned on Toy Story, and we waited for the doctor.  (Again, they had this kid thing down.)

The doctor came in and asked Duke to sit in the chair.  I thought, there's no way, mister.  And just then, Duke gladly climbed into the chair as if he'd done it a million times before.  He held my hand and sat so bravely as the doctor peeked into his eyes using weird objects he'd never seen before.

I was so proud of him. 

I do realize I'm in the very beginnings of this stuff.  I don't know what it's like to see your child step onto a school bus for the first time, walk into the doors of a high school for the first time, ask a girl on a date for the first time, audition for something for the first time, etc.  I only know the small, 2-year-old braveries.  But right now, those are huge in my world.

As I drove home and replayed the events over and over, I thought about what goes on in MY mind when I'm having to choose bravery over fear - the dismissal of negativity, the focus on the truth, the ability to know that it's going to be okay, etc.  Now, I know a 2-year-old isn't thinking about these things like I am, but his wheels were still turning.  He was having to decide if he was going to cry or if he was going to be okay.  Something in him said it would be fine.  I'm holding my mom's hand and she's right here and I'll be fine.  I don't know what's going on but I trust her.

Watching him sit there like a big (yet so small in the scheme of life) boy made my heart jump and, at the same time, made me want to weep at how precious this whole motherhood thing is.  It's incomparable to any other relationship or feeling I've ever experienced.  I know there will be many more joys to come in this parenting gig.  But right now, in my current stage of life, I'm celebrating small moments like this.

If you're wanting to know how it all turned out, he is actually farsighted just like me.  His doctor told me it was a good decision to bring him in.  Although there isn't anything to be done at this point, we know that we will need to get him checked again in a year.  (P.S. I'm learning that your "mom gut" is actually the Spirit giving you insight.  Intuition schmintution.  It's the Holy Spirit, y'all.)

After we walked out into the bright daylight with his awesome my-eyes-just-got-dilated sunglasses on, I decided this occasion deserved a "special."  We headed straight to Starbucks.  Duke got an apple juice and I got a decaf white mocha.

You know, this is really such a small event on the timeline of life when you zoom out.  Yet, I know that who Duke was on this day will forever be imprinted on my brain and in my heart.

Oh, Duke, if there was anything I could magically inject into you (besides a true love for God and an understanding of His love for you) it would be courage.  I pray, pray, pray God gives you dose after dose of it. 

courage in 2014

After giving you a fairly detailed documentation of how my word for 2013, Adventure, played out this past year, it seems a bit anti-climactic to end up with a similar word for this year.

I tried to avoid it actually.  I told God, "That's actually kind of boring.  I just did the whole Adventure/Bravery thing.  And now Courage?  Isn't this all the same?"

And, yes, it kind of is.

I was hoping for a word that would stir more curiosity.  A word that would make me say, "What in the world is going to happen this year?!"  This felt more like, "Great.  I get to learn how to not be anxious again, not be fearful again, and not be a worrier."  But this was my word and there was no changing it.

On the first Sunday of the month, John Riner said, "Faith chooses courage over cowardice."  When he said the word "courage," my ears perked up a bit.  (That's when the denial began.)  But as I took time to listen that Sunday, the word wouldn't go away.  I began jotting down some thoughts on this next year and I wrote, "I believe in God for the courage to continue living in and trusting in his goodness no matter what.  I believe God is the God of miracles.  I believe in miracles and I want the courage to always ask for them."  This past Sunday served as even more affirmation that this was my word.

But because of me not wanting this word for 2014, it's caused me to do a little thinking.

When you look up "bravery" and "courage," you see that they are synonyms of each other.  (I know, duh.)  Their definitions are almost identical.  However, there was one tiny difference I noticed.  Bravery is the ability to face danger or pain without being fearful.  Courage is the ability to do something you know is dangerous.  There's something a bit different about facing a situation in which you know, in advance, is dangerous.

But still.  After looking up definitions and trying to find something extremely intellectual about Courage for 2014, I felt a lot of blank space.  Actually, I felt that having Courage as my word for this year was kind of taking me on a backwards journey.  Shouldn't I have learned Courage and Bravery before the Adventure?

The definition of "adventure" is an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or event.  Adventure is exciting and dangerous all at the same time.  Adventure was thrown in my face in 2012 and I was forced to deal with it.  My adventure was:  Here's a panic attack.  Here's anxiety.  What will you do with it?

There I was, having to sift through all of it in my body, mind, and heart.  Months and months of work.  I made Adventure my word for 2013 not just because I felt God had placed it on my heart, but because it was the way that I was going to claim this so-called Adventure.  If this is my adventure, then fine.  I'll do it.  I made strides and, in the midst of it, I think I found some bravery inside of me that I didn't know I had. 

So here's a little recap in chronological order:

(Adventure) A dangerous and exciting experience. 
(Bravery)  Facing danger or pain without being fearful.
(Courage)  Doing things I know are dangerous.

Hmm.

Actually, when you look at it like that, it's not backwards at all.  I suppose I assumed that all adventurous people started out being courageous or brave.  But actually, they were probably thrown into an adventurous situation which forced them to find their way through - whether it's anxiety or rock climbing or being thrown into a lion's den or whatever.

So instead of rolling my eyes at Courage, I'm nodding my head in agreement now.  Adventure was more of a "big picture" word.  Courage is more of a "let's-get-down-to-the-nitty-gritty" word.  So I will be courageous.  I will do things I know are dangerous.

To be clear, I'm not planning on skydiving anytime soon or purposefully walking janky streets at night just so I can be in the face of danger.  But I'm going to be more open to risk.  I'm going to listen more to what I hear the Spirit saying.

I started this post a little uninspired and with only a couple thoughts on Courage.  As I began writing, things started pouring out of my heart.  Sometimes I think we just need time to process.  As an encouragement to you, take time to do that with your word for the year.  Talk it through with someone and maybe you'll arrive at some really neat conclusions.  Or write it out.  You may begin noticing things that you wouldn't have noticed otherwise.  Figuring stuff out like this is part of the fun.

We're only 14 days in to 2014, so I don't really know how Courage is going to play out.  But I'm really excited to see what's coming next.

a brave adventure

On July 20, 2012, I couldn't imagine living life a year from then.  No exaggeration.  My life felt like it was over and like all of the good had been sucked out of it.  It was the most hopeless feeling I'd ever felt.  But instead of turning to Xanax or other easier ways out, I turned to God, I turned to counseling, and I worked really hard.  It was a long road and it's still something I have to manage, but it's been worth it.

The past year has been full of learning - learning about myself, learning about mental illnesses, learning about God, and learning about others.  As I've been on this journey, many little pieces have come together to form a big picture I'm just now starting to see.

I want to give you guys (and myself) a little timeline of some random snippets that have happened along the way.  I'm going to start all the way back in 2012, pre-anxiety.  Some of these events may seem small, insignificant, or even silly, but regardless, they're a part of my story.

April 2012 
Karlie (my sister) and I were asked to lead music for a women's retreat happening in May 2013.  There weren't any details given at the time, but we gladly accepted.

July 2012
Colt took me out for my birthday on the 14th.  At one point, he asked me if I'd rather shop or see the movie, "Brave."  I chose shopping.   

On the 20th, anxiety hit.  Then I had a revelation and an experience with God on July 24th that was like nothing else I'd ever felt or known.

September 2012
I started attending a MOMS group and, unbeknownst to me, our bible study was entitled "Brave."  It couldn't have been more fitting.  It was exactly what I needed.  In fact, it's part of what pushed me to finally decide to actually get help from a counselor in October.

January 2013
Colt and I deemed "Adventure" as our word for the year.  We truly felt like it was a word from the Lord.

March 2013 
Karlie and I were asked to lead music for a women's retreat in April.  I was informed that the theme of this retreat was "Brave."

Oh, and the woman in charge of the women's retreat for May 2013 called me this month to nail down some details.  She informed me that the theme for their weekend would be "Fear Not."

April 2013
Sara Bareilles (one of my absolute faves) released a new single entitled "Brave."

As you can see, there was a specific theme that God was weaving through my life.  It was no coincidence.  I couldn't have planned any of it and I couldn't have manipulated any of it.  This was the Lord, reassuring me over and over that this was who he was making me to be:  Brave.

I think Bravery and Adventure go hand in hand.  I don't really know of many people who are adventurous but lack bravery.

On the surface, it's pretty easy to sift through the events of 2013 and see adventure simply in all of the millions of trips we took and musical/creative endeavors we invested in.  But I think there's more.  As I look back on the year, learning to be brave WAS my adventure.  2012 brought some crazy change to my life and when I entered into 2013, I knew I was called to be someone different - someone that doesn't live a life of worry, someone who doesn't base decisions on fear, someone who takes all of my thoughts captive and throws out the ones that aren't healthy for me.  It may seem lame, but doing all of that was an adventure.  Working on becoming that person was hard and I had to ask for help every day.  (I still do!)

You can say I'm reading too much into all of this.  Or you can be amazed at how all of these tiny things were brought together.  Sara Bareilles didn't have me in mind when she wrote her single, but God did.  Those 2 women's retreats had no idea I was battling anxiety when they called to ask me if I'd lead their women as they learned about bravery and letting go of fear, but God did.  The ladies in charge of picking the bible study for my MOMS group didn't know that I needed to learn about how to become a brave woman, but God did. 

And that's just it - God knows you.  He puts all of these little details together.  He's always doing things like this, but if we're not willing to open up our eyes and actually see them, then we miss it and become cynical people who doubt His existence.  If you want to see God and experience God in your life, then ask for it.  Ask for it with 100% belief that it will happen.

I don't believe in manipulating circumstances to make it seem like God is present and acting in our lives.  I just believe in the truth.  What God has done in my life in the past year is nothing I could have done myself.

I have no idea what this next year will hold.  But I'm praying and asking God for a word just like I did last year. 
My prayer/challenge for you is to ask God for the same thing.  What is something that only God could do for you - that no person could make happen for you?  What is something you need to know, feel, see, or become?  Be honest and ask Him.  Believe He'll do it.  Then look for it.  He's ready to give you your new adventure.

exposing our roots

On Friday afternoon, we did some much needed yard work.  Both our front yard and back yard have been screaming for some attention for quite awhile now.  We're attempting to clean things up a bit, take out some things we just don't like, and plant some new things we do like.

On one side of our yard was a nandina bush gone wrong.  I'm sure nandina bushes are great, but this one kind of wasn't.  Its placement appeared to be unplanned, making it look frumpy and ugly.  (Actually, I'm not quite sure if any of our "gardens" were really that thought-through when they were initially made.)

The plan?  Rip it out.  But before Colt could get to the roots, he needed to cut some of the bush back to see what he was dealing with.  I decided to make that my job and I gave digging up the rocks in our gardens to Colt.  (Duh.  I don't have the arms or the abs for that.)

I kind of had to talk myself into attacking this bush.  It was going to be so annoying.  How do I even start?  What should go first?  Now, I've trimmed and cut plenty of bushes, so it's not that I was unaware of how to do it.  It just seemed like an unfeasible and exhausting task.  But I dug in and went for it.  Eventually, I got a good system down.  I could see exactly where the base of some of the plant was coming from and was able to cut closer to the bottom.  It became easier.  I mean, labor-wise, it was still hard and my body was tired, but I was making progress.

As I was cutting, my mind immediately went to this past year and how I learned so much about myself.  Maybe more than I would've cared to know.

When I had my first panic attack last year, I did NOT know what was wrong.  And truthfully, I wanted to know, but I kind of didn't want to know also.  It wasn't an actual physical issue or heart problem, so I knew it was something else - something else that had to do with my mind and how it operates.  That was scary.  That was messy.  That was going to take a lot of undoing and a lot of work.  I didn't want to deal with that.

I had to start at the very beginning.  Why did I have that panic attack in the first place?  I came up with a lot of ideas, but none of them really seemed to be it.  I was trying to think of things that would be quicker fixes than realizing I had issues with anxiety and needed to see a counselor.  But that was exactly it.  I was a person who had gradually let fear creep into my life until it had taken over and I could see nothing else.  (It was a very scary time.  If you missed the whole story, here's the first installment.)

As I began piecing things together on my own and praying a lot, I realized I still needed more help - professional help.  There were things that I couldn't sift through on my own.

It took some guts to make that initial call to say, "Hey, my name is Claire and I'd like to see a counselor for my anxiety."  What would come next?  What would I find out about myself?  What would I have to face?

But I had to start somewhere.

The first visit with my counselor was full of tears and scattered thoughts and completely out of control emotions.  As each session passed, I began to see new ways in which I'd opened the door to fear in my life - what I always allowed my mind to dwell on (even as a child), what I was scared of, the small ways I acted in fear without even knowing it, etc.  These were all the perfect ingredients for a panic attack and anxiety.  It's similar to walking out of your house in May in Oklahoma and sensing tornado weather.  You see the sky and you feel the air.  You don't need a weatherman to say that these are the makings of something that could potentially be very bad.  With my counselor, I was able to see this.  This anxiety and fear didn't just pop up.  The storm had been brewing inside of me for quite some time.

It was tough.  I wanted to un-know some things about me.  But as we continued, it got easier.  We dug down until we found the roots.  I uncovered some basic beliefs that I had adopted at some point along the way in my life - beliefs that were wrong and not okay.

It wasn't fun to begin the process of clipping away at that nandina bush.  When I looked at the crazy overgrown plant, it seemed impossible.  But once I started, I could see better.  I could see the rest of the problems more easily.  It got easier to sift through the limbs and make sense of them.  Soon enough, they were all exposed.  Just the bottoms of that dang naninda bush looking up at the sun, ready for Colt to dig them out.

Unlike the bush, I can't dig the roots of fear out of me forever.  But at least I've found them and I'm aware of their presence.  I know when I'm allowing them to grow.  I know when I start believing lies.

Our yards aren't the only things that need cleaning, bad things taken out, and new things put back in. 

I think sometimes we think too highly of ourselves - like we couldn't possibly need outside help.  Surely we can handle things on our own.  Or sometimes we act like our faults or issues are just silly quirks.  "I'm just an anxious person, that's just me!" as we laugh.  But that's not who we're made to be.  If you're in a dark hole of depression or anxiety or whatever else, that doesn't have to be you.  It's okay to ask for help.  Maybe you're scared of what you'll figure out.  But I promise you that what you'll learn and who you'll become is much bigger than the fear of the unknown.  Exposing our roots is worth it.

when life goes on and good comes from evil

As I closed out my last counseling session in March, I mentioned to my counselor that there were still a few things I was a little (or a lot) leery of encountering.  One of these things was the one year anniversary of when all of this started.  It felt like a silly thing to be worried about, but she assured me it was completely normal for her clients to feel that way.  A one year anniversary of the darkest time in your life is a big deal.

As July 20th, 2013 approached, I felt myself feeling more and more at peace with it.  It was surprising.  Here's a rundown of what happened that day:

-ran 3 miles

-ate breakfast made by colt

-took a family trip to the outlet mall

-watched Duke go down the slide a million times

-Duke napped

-we worked on our living room

-listened to pandora (the Semi-Charmed Life station)

-ate paninis for dinner

-playtime with Duke

-put Duke to bed

-Colt went and got us snow cones to eat while we finished texturing walls

-we went to bed

A year ago, I would've never predicted a day like this in my future - a normal day.  Nothing crazy happened.  Not once did I have anxiety or fear or any of it.  That's pretty much been the case for the last several months for me, so it wasn't necessarily anything special.  But knowing that it was the one year anniversary can play games with your mind.  I'm so grateful that with prayer and self-control, it was anxiety-free.  It was a fun day and I was able to enjoy the really good things in my life.

I'm documenting all of this to prove to myself and whoever else needs it that life does go on.  Often, I have to refer back to what I wrote about the hope of spring.  When we feel like we are in the midst of the impossible or surrounded by darkness or covered by devastation, we just have to remember that it will not be winter forever.  We must press forward and find the good in the evil.

To me, this is the great part about God.  People often wonder about his goodness because our world can be a pretty terrible place.  But if you look closer, there are a lot of redeeming stories that come out of horrible situations.  That's how God works.  No, it doesn't make those horrible things any better or any easier when you're in them.  But knowing that He works evil out for our good offers some hope.  We just have to be willing to lean into that truth and search for it.

My story could've taken several wrong turns.  (And still could, I suppose.)  But this isn't something I give myself credit for.  It's by the grace of God that I was able to find Him in all of it.  I could've chosen other paths and ways to make myself feel better about life.  Evil could've grown into more evil.  Instead, my life was lead into a place of more peace, more trust, more joy, and more hope. 

I have hope - not because of time passing or bodies healing or feelings changing.  But because all of the hope I soak up comes from Jesus and who He is to me and who He was to me that day.  He took all of that pain away as if to say, "I'm right here.  Hope in me. "  He's real and God's real and the power of the Spirit is real. 

It's really neat how God orchestrated all of this craziness to go down in my birthday month.  Of course, originally I thought that was a terrible idea.  But now seeing the other side, there's a new kind of "life" that I get to celebrate in July of each year.  I get to celebrate the day I experienced the meaning of freedom in Christ.  I get to celebrate the day I stopped trying to control my life.

Thanks for reading all of my story this past year and I look forward to writing more as pieces continue to come together.

happy birthday/blogiversary/draw-iversary

Two days ago, I turned 27 years old.  I got to spend the day in Telluride, CO with some of my favorite peoples.  I have a million things to say about how wonderful that trip was, so more details and pictures will be coming soon.  Thanks to all of you who texted, called, and sent messages.  It was a very special day and I felt very celebrated.

Today is my 5 year blogiversary (which really isn't a big deal, but I feel like it needs to be said).  It's funny to me that "big" bloggers have parties for things like this.  I'm sitting on my couch next to a huge pile of laundry and writing this post so I can put off the worst household chore ever invented.  WHERE'S MY PARTY???  But that's real life, y'all.  I really like blogging and writing and all that stuff, so hopefully I'll always continue this little hobby of mine.

In 4 days, it will be a year to the day of when I released my first little EP.  (Download it for free on NoiseTrade or Bandcamp.)  But more importantly, it will be a year from when this happened.  It's hard to believe that I've made it this far and a year has actually passed.  I never could've dreamed I'd be on the other side.

It's also hard to believe I've been writing about my battle with anxiety for a year.  It's been such a huge blessing to be able to share this story on my blog.  (You can read the first post about all of this here.  Click here to read all of my posts on anxiety/fear.)  Not only has it been sweet for me to look back on, but I've heard from many friends/readers that it's made a positive impact on them as well.  And, really, that's the point of sharing it.

Truly, it's not my story and it's not about anything I've done.  It's all about the Lord.  To keep all of that bottled up inside for just me to know would've almost felt sinful.  So to those of you who have been right beside me the whole time (in real life and in internet life), encouraging me through it, I really appreciate it.

Knowing what an eventful year 26 was, I have no doubt 27 will be just as interesting.  (But maybe a smidge less interesting would be nice.)  Here's to being one year closer to 30!