Tuesday, August 21, 2012

the draw - what i learned

(To catch up on this story, start here.)

In the past 4ish years, there have been specific moments I can think of in which God was trying to pull me closer.  Of course, I'm only realizing this in hindsight.  All of those times when I felt totally unequipped to handle something on my own, He was trying to draw me to Him.  Most of the time, I chose to respond and function as if I needed to do it by myself.

This is why I entitled my story "The Draw."  (You didn't read the story??  Well, you must!)  This time, I was finally drawn in.  I've learned a few things from all of this and I wanted to share them with you.

I learned the definition of "anxiety."  If anything, it helps me relate to others who have gone through it or are currently dealing with it.  It seems to be a bit of a taboo topic to discuss, but we don't have to live like that.  Talking with others and discussing it provides help, relief, and maybe even healing.

I learned about casting my cares upon the Lord.  I might have even attempted this a few times in my life.  But it sure is hard to cast your burdens on someone when you're keeping a tight grip on them.  

I learned about the love of God.  God loves as a Father loves.  He loves us and he sets us straight.  I can only hope and pray that I will be that kind of parent to Duke - not make his life easy all the time, but allow him to learn hard lessons and maybe suffer a bit so that, as he grows, he becomes someone better.  He thinks better, he acts better, he loves better.  It'll hurt me to watch, I'm sure.  But I wouldn't want to sacrifice who Duke can become just so I can keep myself comfortable and free from concern.  This is a new prayer of mine - to be this kind of mother.

I learned that I'm prideful.  I'm actually the worst kind of prideful.  There are the prideful people who have everything they've ever wanted and know 100% that they got themselves to that point.  Maybe they're rich, famous, successful.  But whatever they are, they take full credit for their accomplishments.  Then, there are the people like me.  We work normal jobs, we wipe poopy bottoms, we have budgets, and we eat Ramen Noodles.  We're down to earth.  We don't get everything we ask for but we do get some things we ask for.  We recognize our abilities, but also know God is mixed in there somewhere.  There's no way I could possibly be prideful And just like that, I am.  It's a very hidden pride.  Yes, God gave me the ability to play the piano.  But I did start taking lessons when I was 7 and continued to major in it in college.  So, I mean, I worked pretty hard to get where I am and I do kind of deserve it.  It's not that I've actually ever said that out loud, but that's the kind of thinking that is floating around subconsciously.  I never knew it was there.  I know myself better now and I ask God over and over to remind me that everything I have or can do is because of Him.

I learned what "glory to God" means.  This goes along with the above paragraph.  This phrase is something we sing a lot and read a lot.  In plain terms, it means that anything we do, don't do, have, or don't have has nothing to do with us or anything we've done.  We don't deserve good things.  But if we get them, the glory (recognition) should be given to God.

I learned what "to pray without ceasing" means.  The day after God healed me, I was in and out of prayer all day.  I was so aware of His goodness to me.  When life gets easy though, it's hard to remember that goodness and, in turn, it's hard to remember to pray.  One of my goals is to continue being mindful of this.

I learned about the "peace that passes understanding."  It's hard to know peace until you've known total chaos.

I learned that God can really heal physical needs.  It's not just an old Bible story thing.  Honestly, I never imagined I'd even need physical healing from God.  But this is legit stuff, people.  My whole body went from being in absolute pain to absolute freedom.  Nothing can explain that besides the work of God.  He completely delivered me.

I learned that God really is in control.  Twila Paris sang it back in '94 and she wasn't kidding.  (I hope you all just took a walk down memory lane with me.)  First of all, it's my personality to be in control.  But second, as a stay-at-home mom, I am used to being in control.  If Duke is hungry, I feed him.  If Duke is tired, I put him down for a nap.  If Duke wants to play, I play with him.  If a problem arises, I fix it.  Deep down, I just thought I wouldn't bother God with the details of my life.  You know, like I'd save Him a few extra things on His to-do list.  (So sweet of me, I know.  The God of the universe needs my help with His list.)  But that's just not how it works.  I know now that if God wants to make those daily tasks impossible for me to do on my own, He can.  And He did.  Ultimately, everything is in His hands.  I choose to believe and operate under the truth that there is nothing too big, too small, too easy, or too hard for Him.  And thank God for that.

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