life with 2: how babywise changed with 2 children

When I had Duke back in 2011, I had no idea what I was doing.  How many times am I supposed to feed this baby anyway?  Can he just sleep in the bouncer forever?  I was clueless.  I was also frustrated.  But when I started Babywise at 3 weeks old, things began to fall into place.  No, life wasn't perfect and the postpartum depression was still around, but there was a rhythm to my day and I was in desperate need of that.

Duke was a textbook Babywise baby so I knew I'd use the same methods on Nova when she arrived.  So far, Nova and Duke have been very different.  She came a million years late while he came right on his due date.   She's been formula fed since she was 2 months old, but I was able to nurse Duke for a year.  She rarely spits up while Duke, on the other hand, soaked large bath towels after every feeding and in between feedings.  Nova dropped the DF before the MOTN feed while Duke dropped the MOTN feed before the DF.

They are two different children who have different personalities and different needs, but Babywise has worked wonderfully for both of them.

I was a pretty strict Babywise follower with Duke as a baby.  I remember occasionally hearing, "Oh, just wait til you have your next one.  You won't care about that stuff!"  While I am more easy going about things with Nova, I didn't just toss everything out the window.  When you find something like Babywise that is this beneficial for you and your children, you're not going to throw it aside just because it may be a bit more complicated to manage two sets of schedules all day long.

I wanted to share the things that I have been more relaxed about this time around.  These are small things, but knowing that every day will not be a perfect textbook Babywise day is helpful for me.  A little extra slack given in moderation will not create bad habits.

SNACKS

Babywise does not encourage snacking.  It focuses on full meals so that your baby or child is not eating constantly throughout the day.  I do not let Nova snack, but I will say this - if I'm going to an appointment or I'm going to be running errands and pushing her naptime or she's in the church nursery, I'm not worried about her munching on Cheerios and drinking out of her sippy cup just to keep her happy and keep the intensity level down.  With Duke, I would've worried I was going to create a habitual snacker for life.  An 18 year old that will never stop eating and does not know how to control his food intake all because of THIS.  There are moments when you need to pull out the snacks - for your kids' sakes, for your sanity, and for the ears of the people around you.

NAPS

I want to have well-rested kids just as much as I want to have my precious alone time every day.  So even though I am more flexible with naps, do NOT hear me say "we just don't take naps or worry about naps or try to keep them consistent."  We LOVE our naps around here.

Here's what I mean when I talk about being more flexible.  I do not worry about Nova only taking a 45 minute morning nap at church every Sunday.  I do not worry if she wakes early from a nap at home.  Yes, I get frustrated and annoyed because my alone time was cut short, but I am not concerned for her well-being.  I do not worry about Nova having to take a little 3rd catnap on Wednesday evenings before church because of how her naps get interrupted due to school pick-up.  So when it comes to flexibility in naps for me, it's mostly about my perspective and how I can loosen up when an off day happens.

WAKETIME

Waketime is very important in the first few months of life.  For me, it's been very crucial to figure out the most optimal waketime for my children in order to guarantee good naps.  But eventually, you come upon a certain age, dependent on the particular baby and/or the parents, where the waketime or the time that baby goes down for a nap just doesn't matter.  It doesn't mean a longer or a shorter nap.  I hung on to the formula and preciseness of waketime with Duke way longer than I held onto it with Nova.  Neither is right or wrong.  It's just a preference of how you like to do things coupled with your baby's personality.

MEALTIME

I remember a season of Duke's life when he always ate dinner at 6:00.  If for some reason we were elsewhere and dinner would be served at 5:30-5:45, it sent my mind into a whirl.  What if that's too early for him?  What if his dinner doesn't carry over into the night and he wakes up hungry?  What if he doesn't sleep through the night?  Very silly.  But you can't blame a young, new mom for feeling that way!  Nobody wants to give up a great schedule and an amazing night of sleep!  But now, I see the bigger picture and I know that if a mealtime has to be tweaked, it's okay.

Maybe none of these are monumental thoughts and maybe they seem obvious.  But these are the ways that Babywise has become more relaxed to me with my 2nd child.  I didn't/don't compromise on the basic concepts, but I know where there's room to fudge a bit.

As a general rule, what you do on MOST DAYS is what your children will expect.  If a couple days a week are wonky or off-schedule, your kids will bounce back.  And if they don't, then you know you've pushed too far.  They don't mind letting us know!  If Nova gets 3 days in a row of napping elsewhere, short naps, or something along those lines, she will make it clear to me that she is not a fan.  Sometimes it will take a day or two to get back to normal.  So right now, at almost 11 months, 2 days of crazy in a row is her limit.  Another example - if the day comes when your toddler thinks he gets to eat whatever he wants whenever he wants, then you've probably given him that impression.  They will let you know when you've loosened the reigns too much.

Lastly, I want to say this:

To the new moms of 2 - You can STILL maintain the level of structure that you desire.  Whatever feels most natural for you is what you should do.  Just know that having another baby or another schedule to deal with does not make Babywise impossible.  You will need some adjustment time to figure out how to make your routines work with 2 little people around, but it really will happen.  (Read my summary on the first 5 months of adjusting to 2 if you need a little pep talk.)

To the strict Babywise moms of 1 - You are not silly, you are not rigid, and you are not unexciting.  You may feel all of that at some point, but don't let the moms of more children make you feel lesser because of how precisely planned your life is.  Sure, you'll probably loosen up a bit if you have another, but it's certainly not required.  If that is the way in which you parent best and most comfortably, then continue on! 

Has your implementation of Babywise changed as you've had more kids?  What's different about it?

Other "Life with 2" posts:

going from 1 to 2

the first 5 months

life with 2: going from 1 to 2

I've got a 3.5 year old and a 9 month old and I feel very much like how in the world did I get here?

One minute I was feeling like my life would never resume and crying tears every evening because a dreaded night of interrupted sleep was ahead of me (as well as a day of toddler-entertaining), and the next I've got schedules aligned to where I get 1.5-2.5 hours of naptime peace every day and full 12 hour nights of sleep for both kids.   Sometimes I'm stunned at how something can be so ridiculously chaotic and exhausting and then turn into something that is doable.  Still exhausting, still a lot, still causes me to lose my mind, but this 2 kid thing is doable.  And it's more than doable; it's fun and I like it! 

Going from 1 to 2 is not easy.  (If you missed my breakdown on the first 5 months of adjusting, read it here.)  However, going from 0 to 1 was much harder in my opinion.  When you transition from "no kids" to "kid," your entire life and how you do everything changes.  You stop sleeping, new expenses are added into the budget, new limitations exist in your life, new furniture crowds your house, new schedules fill your days, new laundry adds to your load, and new worries float around in your mind.  Life turns upside down for a bit and you have to find your new normal.  But when you transition from "1 kid" to "2 kids," that base of parenthood is already there.  Instead of dumping everything out and reorganizing all over again, you just move some things around.  You've already been parenting, so the new challenge is figuring out how to do it with a few new multitasking skills to add to the ones you already have.

Now, the daily life with 2 is harder than 1 for obvious reasons.  It's harder simply because you have one more person you're taking care of.  I mean, sometimes you have to hold the baby with one hand, hold the bottle with your chin, and use your other hand to help your toddler pull up his underwear after peeing in the potty.  That kind of thing.  But then you just get used to using every limb on your body to get everyone through the day.  You get used to standing up while eating your bowl of cereal because you know that you will inevitably need to wipe the 3.5 year old's bottom and constantly move the 9 month old away from the million pieces of who-knows-what on the floor that she's attempting to shove in her mouth.

But because you know what's ahead of you (because you're looking at your toddler and wondering how the heck they got that old), you know all of these hard phases really are just phases.  You know that all of your unbelievably awful days are not your forever norm.  You know that it really is hard taking care of people that cannot take care of themselves.  You know that all of it is so worth it.

I know it's different for everyone.  Some may feel the 1-2 transition is harder.  But I wanted to throw my thoughts out there because after having Duke, I remember feeling defeated for awhile.  If having 1 is this hard, how am I supposed to ever have another one (or two or three)?  Just remember that everything is relative to your experience.  Just like you wouldn't expect a middle schooler to figure out high school, you can't expect to know how to parent a toddler and a baby when you've only parented a baby.  So, if you're a new mom of 1, I say you're doing the hardest part right now!  

Moms, I'd love to hear from you.  I've only experienced these 2 transitions so I can only wonder what 2 to 3 or 3 to 4 must feel like.  What has been the hardest transition for you?  What has been the easiest? 

life with 2: the first 5 months

Having one baby forces you to find a new normal.  Having another baby forces you to find another new normal.  Along the way, I jotted down some emotions, thoughts, and stories that I wanted to share with those of you are anticipating the transition or are right in the thick of it.

MONTH 1

Oh my gosh, what have I done?  I am back at square one.  I have made things hard on myself all over again.  This is mostly what I'm thinking.

Let me tell start by telling you about the worst day ever.  I decided to be awesome and load the kids up in the car and go somewhere.  "Somewhere" meant driving thru the bank to make a deposit and driving thru Chick-fil-a to grab lunch and bring it home.  Woo, livin' the life over here.  So, we all got in the car.  After 20 minutes, Nova started screaming.  (Not a car seat fan.)  I was racing back home as fast as possible.  Right when we got there, I got Duke situated at the table with his food, put Nova down for a nap, and immediately ran back in to assist Duke with something he was getting worked up over.  Got him down from the table, took a few bites of my lunch, and heard Nova cry.  I tended to her for a bit, but then put her back in the crib because Duke needed to take his nap.  I got Duke's diaper changed and got him bed, walked out, and heard her crying.  Went to calm her down and she just wouldn't.  I was rocking her and crying because I felt so helpless.  I couldn't just let her cry.  She was still so little, and I didn't want Duke waking.  My cold Chick-fil-a lunch was sitting on the table and I was filled with angry tears.  It wasn't just me being hungry or Nova not napping or Duke constantly needing something or making noise - it was all of it.  It was such an awful day that I called Colt to come home early from work.  And he did.  I didn't really know how I'd ever make it past this day.

There's just so much going on.  There's the newborn stuff.  I feed around the clock, my body is still recovering from childbirth, my brain/heart are still recovering from childbirth, I'm not getting any sleep, I'm overweight, my body is still not mine, and I'm so confused/exhausted/frustrated dealing with all of the feeding issues.

Then there's the emotional stuff.  I don't love the emotional roller coaster of the first month.  I don't like waking up and not knowing what kind of day it will be.  Will it be a dreamy day full of Instagram filters and bottomless cups of coffee?  Or will it be a day full of temper tantrums, infant cries, and absolute exhaustion?  (Hint:  It's usually the latter.)

Then there's the thing that I anticipated, but didn't know would be as deep as it is:  the weird mom guilt I feel for having another child.  Duke has been fine with Nova, but his attitude towards us is very different.  He acts out more and is more defiant.  He throws tantrums often and is unsatisfied with most things it seems.  It's been hard to see him go through this change.  Am I torturing him by adding another little person into our lives?  Will he be mad at me forever?  These sound like silly questions, but in the midst of it, they are very real.

One night, around 7 p.m., I was rocking a really fussy Nova while desperately trying to brush up on Babywise by re-reading the book.  Tears and snot were dripping down my face.  I was crying because I was tired, but I was also crying because Duke and Colt had just left for the park.  I mourn the loss of my time and attention towards Duke.  It's almost unbearable at times.

There's so much questioning.  Why is she up?  A burp?  Hunger?  Uncomfortable?  Just being a baby?  Wrong waketime?  It's awful trying to FIGURE THINGS OUT.  Naps are everywhere.  Some days she'll do 2 hours and some days just 45 minutes.  Some days the swaddle seems to soothe her and other days it's like she's in prison.  And most of the time she breaks out of her swaddle which causes her to wake.  The only thing I have to hold onto is our routine - eat/wake/sleep.  I knew this already, but I'm having to remind myself that the first month is a crapshoot.  There's no reason for anything and at the same time, there's a reason for everything.  In other words, I just have to survive.

Surviving this time around looks different than it did the first time.  It's hard balancing a newborn's needs with a toddler's needs.  Many days I think, I just want to quit motherhood.  It's just too hard sometimes.

The good things?  I love this sweet girl and I love our family of 4.  I'm very grateful to have a husband who is extremely helpful, friends who are reminding me that it does get better, and a mom who has whisked Duke away for me, cleaned, made lunch, and given me time to nap.

MONTH 2

So I guess I'll eventually get used to not sleeping and having to entertain a toddler all day?

Things are a bit more settled, yet still a guessing game.  I've started pumping exclusively which is just dumb.  Some days she takes 4 oz each feeding and some days it's a battle getting 2 oz.  Waketimes are constantly being adjusted, the swaddle is constantly being questioned, and night sleep is constantly causing me to rack my brain trying to find different strategies.  One night, she went 9 hours between feedings, but all the other nights she goes 4-4.5.  But even though I feel like everything is all over the place, Nova is an incredibly pleasant baby.  She's happy and smiley, so I can't complain about that.

I'm really ready for naps to be consistent.  Let's be honest - naps are 50% for kids to rest and 50% for the sanity of moms.  So when naps are messed up, I'm mostly mad that my "me" time is cut short.  When I only have 45 minutes of peace and quiet, I start pondering life's questions and looking for desk jobs.  (Half kidding - I really do love being a SAHM.  But sometimes, we get a little off our rockers.)

One of the hardest things has been feeling like I have to pick which kid I want to have the successful day.  Will I please Duke by getting him out and about, allowing him to use up all of that energy he has?  Will I give him the fun day?  Or will I choose Nova?  Will I allow her to have normal length naps in her crib and be fully rested?

But this is what I decided:  Nova needs to win right now.  I have to convince myself that even though it feels like Duke is getting the short end of the stick right now, he's really not.  When Duke was a baby, I gave him a working routine with solid naps.  All of my focus was on him and his needs.  In my opinion, Nova deserves the same.  I have to be okay with allowing myself to continue recovering and choosing to focus on Nova most days.

I try my best to divide our time at home into "activities."  Play-doh time, bug catching time, book reading time, movie/TV time, shower time, anything I can think of that can be turned into some kind of organized play.  When I do begin to sense some cabin fever from Duke, I plan the night before and gear myself up for some kind of outing with both kids.

This month is still really hard, but let me tell you about the best day we had.  One morning, I decided to take Duke to the park.  THE PLAN (because there HAS to be one for a weirdo like me):  While Nova takes her first nap, I pack Duke's lunch, get both of us ready, and get Nova's bottle ready.  As soon as she wakes, we all quickly jump in the car and head to the park.  Upon arrival, immediately get out, let Duke play, and feed Nova's bottle.  The key is to be fast with everything and to plan everything, which is exhausting.  But we did it and it was successful!  In fact, it was so great that I ended up going to Barnes and Noble so Duke could play with trains.  Then we ended our outing with Sonic drinks on the way home.  Everyone was well-behaved and nobody had a meltdown.  I drove home feeling like I was on top of the world!

MONTH 3

Those first two months were rough, my gosh.  There were many times I'd call Colt crying and say, "I'm not a good mom!  I can't have 2 kids!  I can't do it well and it's not easy for me!  I must be bad at this!"  This month already feels better.

Things are starting to come together.  About halfway through this month, Nova started sleeping all night - like 10-11 hours.  I feel like a new woman!  We've also completely switched over to formula.  It's been really hard and really freeing all at the same time.  I'm just relieved to have settled on something.

I've had 2 kids in my household for 3 months now and it's equal parts everything - hard, easy, wonderful, awful, beautiful, brutal.  You may find me exhausted and at my end emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually one day.  But the next, I may be as light as a feather, floating on a blissful, mom-of-two cloud 9.  It's all of it.  However, I do know that things will become more balanced as we all continue adjusting.

MONTH 4

Nova is still sleeping through the night, is taking much better naps, and there's just so much more predictability in our day!  We have arrived.  Having two kids and not feeling crazy is starting to be my normal.  I can hardly believe it. 

MONTH 5

Waketime is getting longer so we can go do things and still get back for good naps.  This is such a big help!  We've done several days at the park and Duke actually gets a decent amount of time to play before needing to head home for Nova.

Most days are great.  Few days are chaotic.  That's a ratio I can live with.  What they all say is true - it really does get easier!

Everything has a "this is how it should be" feel.  I feel like I should be a mom of two.  I feel like Duke should be a big brother.  Everything fits and everything is just as it should be.  Everyone belongs here and I wouldn't have it any other way.

duke meets nova

 

Everyone says your older child instantly looks huge once you have a newborn.  Well, everyone is right.  But beyond the outward appearance, there was also this unexplained oldness that happened inside of Duke - like everything about him grew up the second that Nova entered this world.  In a matter of minutes, his role had changed.

We'd been talking about Baby Nova (or "Bay Nova," as Duke likes to say) for a pretty long time.  Duke talked about sharing his toys with Nova and saying, "It's okay," when she cries.

On the day she was born, he slowly walked in the hospital room with the sweetest smile on his face.  He got up on the bed with me and peeked over at his baby sister who was finally here.  His eyes began to get a little teary as he looked at her and looked at us.  It was as if he understood the weight of the situation in his 2 year old mind.  He held her and without any prompting, he whispered, "It's okay.  It's okay, Bay Nova."  My baby was loving on my baby.

This whole transition has been a beautiful thing and a scary thing.  I was completely surprised at how weepy I was in the beginning.  Tears, tears, and more tears.  I wasn't anticipating that at all.

I cried as we walked into our house the first time as a family of four.  It was so heavy.  I knew life was going to be so different.

I watched Duke play outside one evening while Nova was sleeping and the tears were non-stop.  I knew that he knew life was different, too.

I worried for my sensitive little guy.  I wanted him to still feel special and loved and noticed, but my attention was now split between two children.  That was hard for both of us.  

After several days of feeling a little resistance from him, I decided the two of us needed some time out together so we took a trip to Cuppies - an activity that was normal for us pre-Nova.  But even that felt different.  Being with just him carried a different emotion with it after adding Nova into our family.  He was now my "oldest child."

So much of me felt guilty for all the stay-at-home time we'd been having - no running a million errands every morning like we used to.  The parks, the post office, Target, and Barnes & Noble are just a few of the places that have seen less of us.  (Fortunately, or unfortunately for my thighs, we're still pretty acquainted with Sonic and Dunkin Donuts.  Thank you, Drive-Thru.)  Sure, it's hard for my life to feel temporarily paused as I adjust to this mom-of-two gig.  But it's even harder to see his life pause.  I worried that I'd taken something away from him.  I worried that he thought all of his fun had stopped.  I worried that he just didn't like me.

Even though the adjustment period certainly isn't over, I'm in a much better place with all of this after 7 weeks.  I know that Duke loves (and likes) me.  I know that even though sometimes I have to remind him to be gentle, he does love (and like) Nova.  He asks to hold her, loves to kiss her, and frequently says, "I wike her." 

Whenever I get nervous that I've forced him to grow up, I remember that we wanted to have multiple children so they could experience a sibling relationship.  There's a uniqueness about it and so much to learn from it.  Growing up with siblings is crazy fun.  I know he will treasure his role as a big brother.

I look forward to seeing them become best buds.