parenting the right way

You know what's confusing?  Parenting.

Thanks to 2015 and the world wide web, we know the 100 things we have to teach our sons before they graduate and the 7 ways to raise an entitled child.  I can find an article telling me that teaching our children to share is teaching them to be selfless and giving human beings.  I can find another article telling me that teaching our children to share is doing them a disservice because it demonstrates to them that they have no ownership of anything.

There is a lot of advice out there.  And when I read things along those lines, I don't end up feeling motivated and ready to be Super Mom.  Rather, I end up even more fearful than I was before.  Fearful that I am going to screw this whole thing up.

Several months ago, after Duke got his first haircut from a real salon, we came home and I tucked him in for his nap.  I told him that I loved him, and that I was proud of him for being so brave and doing such a great job getting his haircut that day.

Then I shut the door and my mind went something like this:

That's so good, Claire.  I'm glad you told him that.
I don't know, that's a lot of praise for a haircut.  Aren't you overdoing it?
But that's good to affirm him when he does a good job.  Even in the small things.
Yeah, but you don't want to raise a kid who thinks he's going to get a round of applause every time he takes a breath.
But I want him to feel confident and know that he is noticed and loved and celebrated.
Right.  And then he will become a teenager who expects everyone else to feel the same way about him.

I know some of you can relate.

As I went back and forth, waiting to arrive at the correct parenting approach, a thought from a different voice (AKA the Holy Spirit) interrupted.   

If you are thinking about parenting AT ALL, then you are doing it right.

Being a parent is hard.  It's the most rewarding thing I've ever done, but it's still the hardest thing I've ever done.  But being a parent who is constantly feeling the pressure to do or be certain things makes it even harder.  Parenting out of fear or comparison is our own choice.  I am in control of what I let dwell in my mind and heart - ideas, articles, and Facebook posts.  There is so much joy in parenting that we miss when we dissect every little move and look around at how everyone else is running their parenting race.

I think we all deserve a little extra dose of grace in our parenting efforts.  We are so bombarded by the millions of things that we need to do or not do for our kids that we can easily forget the things we already have in place.  

In that moment of mental chaos as I was walking down the hall, I reminded myself that weighing my actions and words to my son is a good thing.  It's good for me to process how I parent him.  It's also good for me to trust the Spirit when I can't come up with my own solution.  But it's not good to get bogged down by "the right way" or to compare myself to other moms or to think that there is some perfect parenting formula that I've got to find.  To parent thoughtfully and prayerfully is truly the best we can do.  So press on!

living by faith with my kids

I grew up in a home where people took me to church, prayed with me, and talked to me about Jesus.  I was brought up a certain way and happened to continue on that path into my adulthood, but not because I never had a choice or because I was forced into it.  Even with the many moments of struggling and wrestling with my beliefs, I chose to believe in God.  I choose to believe in God.  I know I'll hit other spiritual walls in my life that cause me to ask more questions, but I'm forever grateful for the foundation that my parents laid out for me.

I hear a lot about letting our kids find their own way when it comes to faith and religion.  Let's not tell them what to believe; let's give them a blank slate and let them figure out what they want to believe.  While I always want there to be room for discussion, different opinions, and struggle with faith in my home, I don't necessarily think that means I need to let my kids loose, giving no guidance at all.  I will teach my kids thousands of things, so I don't think it's ridiculous to assume that I will also teach my kids about my faith in God - especially since it is the foundation for how I live my life.  To keep that - the thing that has saved my life and given me true hope - hidden or subdued all for the sake of letting my children explore aimlessly would be heartbreaking.

So when I talk about introducing faith into my kids' lives, it's coming from a place of gentleness, humility, openness, and the desire to share the best part about my life.  For right now, we have a 3.5 year old and a 1 year old, so we do have to keep things age appropriate.  These are just a few ways we teach our kids about what we believe.

BIBLE VERSES

A couple of years ago at a MOMS Bible Study, I received a huge stack of bible verses that were organized by age level.  These have been so wonderful to use.  We have them clipped to our napkin holder on the dining room table.  I don't bring them up at every meal time, but I try to talk about them 2-3 times a week.  They are simple and easy to memorize.  Aside from hearing new words and learning how to memorize, these verses prompt some good 3 year old discussions.

*All verses are found on ABCJesusLovesMe.com and are divided by age level.  Select Curriculum > Weekly Lesson Plans > Verse

MUSIC

Duke is pretty up with the Top 40 hits, but these days, I am listening more and more to Christian music.  Not all of the time and not exclusively, but it's definitely more present than before.  There are plenty of great artists making music that sends hopeful messages, and I want my children dwelling on those thoughts.  Now, I don't think it's necessary to completely shut out the "secular" music world.  There's some really good stuff out there.  But I want it to be paired with songs that encourage and bring light and life to my kids' minds and hearts.  Duke is at the age where learning a song is easy, so it's important to make sure that the songs he's learning are benefiting his soul.

PRAYER

I want my children growing up in a home that lives out the verse in 1 Thessalonians that says to pray continually.  The depth in which I understand how/why I communicate with God goes hand in hand with the depth of my belief in him.  If my children grow up only praying to God when things go wrong or before dinner, they may have a skewed view of who he is.  If prayer is something they observe that happens at all times - saying thanks for small things, asking God to heal us when we're sick, praying for our friends, asking God for forgiveness - I think they're more likely to view it as a real conversation with a relational God, rather than something we just do because we're supposed to.

We will be a home that prays, that discusses why we believe what we believe, that goes to church, and that reads the Bible.  But beneath all of that is the foundation of love.  From that, those things will flow.  The best that Colt and I can do for our kids is live our lives as free people who are loved by a relational and present God.

BFBN: how child temperament influence sleep training process

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week.  Each day, one of us will be writing on the same topic.  This week, our topic is Personalities.

Today, Natalie, our guest blogger, has written about how a child's personality can affect the sleep training process.

"I believe there are several pieces of a puzzle that come together to make up the sleep training process: A child’s natural temperament or personality, the parents’ natural temperament or personality (and thus their ability to be consistent in implementing the sleep training plan itself), and the type of training method the parent chooses." - Natalie

Read her entire post here and enjoy!

BFBN: highlighting and challenging our kids' personalities

It's been obvious from the start that Duke has adopted much of his personality from me.  He is cautious, doesn't love a bunch of change, likes having rules, flourishes on a schedule, and hesitates a bit when trying something new.  Many times Colt will say, "Well, he got that from you!" as we see one of these characteristics displayed in Duke.  While we want to be sure to encourage a healthy amount of flexibility and risk-taking within him, we also want to understand and love him just as God has created him.

For me, getting on the same page as Duke is pretty easy since we're cut from the same cloth.  When something new is happening, I know he will thrive in the situation if I give him details.  He loves having conversations about new things.  He loves knowing the plan.  He will actually ask me, "So, what's the plan, mom?"

With our kind of personality, it's important for others to know that this desire to know what's going on doesn't always come out of a place of fear (sometimes it does, but not always).  We truly just like to be informed.  Sure, there are circumstances in life that give you no forewarning and that require you to go with the flow.  For those, we work hard and learn to adapt.  But if it's a choice between "let's see when we get there" or "tell me ahead of time," we'll most likely choose the latter.  A few positives of this kind of personality are organization, dependability, preparedness, and thoughtfulness.  When I see these things in Duke, I want to highlight and affirm them.

Now, Duke is only 3.5.  Real life has yet to hit him.  However, I do like to "impose" flexibility on him in small moments every once and a while.  When he wakes up in the morning, sometimes I make his breakfast first and sometimes I feed Nova's bottle first.  When we run errands, sometimes we stop by Sonic and sometimes I say no.  Sometimes we do bathtime during the day and sometimes we do it at night.  All of these things may seem really insignificant, but I think that the more I "change things up" on him, the more flexible he becomes.  A friend's birthday party was canceled and while he was disappointed, he didn't have a meltdown.  When school or church gets canceled because of bad weather, he understands that it's closed, we can't go, and that we'll get to go another time.

Like I said, those are really small things, but knowing his personality, I know he needs it.  It's my way of teaching his 3.5 year old brain that that while most days can be predictable, some days are not.  Some days look different than others.   

Just yesterday, we showed up to his class at school and were told that he would be in a new class.  He cried because he loved his teachers and his friends, but also because it wasn't something he was prepared for.  It caught both of us off guard, and of course my mama heart was breaking for him.  But after a few minutes of tears, I saw him calm down and choose to get excited about playing with new cars in a new room.  I've seen him make progress in his flexibility and this experience was proof of it.

For people like us who can get in a rut of this-is-how-things-go-all-the-time-period, it's important to change it up every so often.  I want to challenge Duke to work through the parts of his personality that will get him stuck - stubbornness, pride, and inflexibility.

This is where Colt comes in to save the day.  Colt and I have so much in common, but our one difference that sticks out the most is that he is SO go with the flow.  If I'm going to a new doctor's office, I like to look at the map before I get in the car, know what floor I'm headed to, and get the suite number.  On the other hand, Colt is fine just getting to the building and figuring it out along the way.

Colt is such an amazing dad and I've loved watching him form his style of parenting into what Duke needs.  Parenting in a structured way by explaining things before they happen would not be the most natural way for Colt.  (And so we're clear - that doesn't make him "lesser" because he doesn't liveeatbreathe plans like me.  I love that about him and I have learned so much from it!)  He's figured out how give Duke the predictability that he needs while also adding in the spice of figure-it-out-as-you-go.  Now, don't get me wrong.  Duke and Colt do have their similarities.  They both love to put on a show, they love to be silly, they are incredibly social, and they really care about people.  I love those qualities about both of them.  But as far structure is concerned, they are opposites.

Duke is still so young and we have so much to learn about him, but it really is amazing seeing his little personality come to life.  It's fun knowing that Duke will see how I live by my planner and how Colt rolls with the punches.  Duke will see when it's great to be scheduled and when it's great to throw the schedule out the window.  While he will probably lean towards one way of doing things, my hope is that he will be able to find a balance when necessary.

In the end, Duke is Duke.  He has parts of me, parts of Colt, and parts that come from his own unique self.  It's a wonderful thing to be able to watch it all unfold.  As for Nova, in just her short 9 months of life, it seems that she'll take after her daddy.  We shall see!

BFBN: creating a parenting team with two different personalities

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week.  Each day, one of us will be writing on the same topic.  This week, our topic is Personalities.

Today, Emily has written about how to parent alongside your spouse even when you have different personalities.  I can totally relate!  Colt and I really do have a lot in common, but our personalities can be very different.  At one point, Emily talks about being a team and that it doesn't really matter who "gets their way" in the end:

"I am a stay at home mom so parenting is my all-day everyday career. Sometimes I take that too seriously. I want things done my way and have to remember that we are a team." - Emily

Read her entire post here and enjoy!

BFBN: being in tune to personality types within the family

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week.  Each day, one of us will be writing on the same topic.  This week, our topic is Personalities.

Today, Elaine has written about being in tune with the different personality types within your family.  She talks about a particularly chaotic time when they were trying to decide on the kids' schedules soon after adopting their 3rd child.  She and her husband finally came to a realization:

"We basically had one child who felt like a prisoner in her own home and another child being sent away from home three times a week who would have loved to just stay home. We had everything backwards." - Elaine

Because they were aware of their older kids' personalities, they quickly knew how to change the situation so that this season of life would be the best for everyone.  Read her entire post here and enjoy!

BFBN: consistently parenting your different children

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week.  Each day, one of us will be writing on the same topic.  This week, our topic is Personalities.

Today, Valerie has written about how we, as parents, can be consistent, yet also have the flexibility to parent each of our children differently.  I love what she says when she talks about the difference between equal and fair:

"It isn't even appropriate for your 4 year old to have the exact same freedoms as your 7 year old had when he was 4. Same age, but a different person. The current 4 year old might need more or fewer freedoms. Maybe the number won't necessarily be different, but what is allowed will be different."  - Valerie

Read her entire post here and enjoy!

BFBN: can you teach a pre-toddler to develop a positive attitude?

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week!  All week, each of us will be sharing posts on the same topic and directing our readers to the different blogs in the network.  Here's the schedule for the week:

Monday:  Valerie from Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday:  Maureen from Childwise Chat
Wednesday:  Rachel from A Mother Far From Home
Thursday:  Emily from Journey of Parenthood
Friday:  Claire from My Devising

Our last post for the week comes from our guest blogger, Lauren at The Military Wife and Mom.  She talks specifically about teaching a pre-toddler to have a positive attitude.  She points out that it's easy to let things slide at that age, saying, "Oh, he's just a baby."  But really, so many good habits can begin forming right then!  And, of course, she reminds us at the end that the best way to teach a positive attitude is by having one ourselves.  Read the rest here!

BFBN: encouraging an attitude of adventure

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week!  All week, each of us will be sharing posts on the same topic and directing our readers to the different blogs in the network.  Here's the schedule for the week:

Monday:  Valerie from Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday:  Maureen from Childwise Chat
Wednesday:  Rachel from A Mother Far From Home
Thursday:  Emily from Journey of Parenthood
Friday:  Claire from My Devising

Disciplining for attitude is something I feel the least qualified to write on since we are barely into it ourselves!  Duke is just over 2.5 years old and attitude is just now becoming a thing.  Always before, discipline was only centered around following directions and obeying.  Don't touch that, don't hit him, and eat 3 more bites of broccoli.  These are all very concrete things.  Duke would either obey or disobey, resulting in a negative consequence.  But an attitude behind disobedience hasn't really been an issue until the past few months.

I love what all of the other women talked about this week on disciplining our children for their attitudes.  I soaked it all in!  For my contribution on the topic, I thought I'd take a different angle and look at attitude as a whole.  I'm not talking about attitudes our children display when they don't get what they want, but a general attitude about life.

(source)

My friend, Reese, pinned this the other day and I felt it was perfectly relevant to this discussion on attitude.  I love this quote.  Probably because I'm pretty good at making ordeals out of things.  But what would life be like if I treated every inconvenience or frustrating situation as an adventure rather than an ordeal?  It would change everything.

The Bible doesn't use the word "adventure," but this verse is along the same lines:

"2 Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. 3 For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything."  James 1:2-4  NLT

Viewing trouble as an opportunity for joy could certainly translate as an adventure.  This verse confused me when I was younger, but I've begun to understand it just a bit more in the past couple of years.

How we respond to things in life is extremely important, and our response indicates our attitude.

ATTITUDE:  a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person's behavior.

The word that jumps out is "settled."  Attitudes are hard to change once we get buried deep in them.  So it seems to me that raising my children in a way that encourages them to have healthy and positive attitudes is crucial.  If we aren't careful, we can develop opinions and attitudes towards certain things or people that may not be right at all.  And our children are watching.

The truth is, we don't typically grow an attitude of positivity when everything in our lives is going well.  Our attitudes are tested when the bad stuff hits.  My attitude towards people with mental illnesses didn't change until I experienced what true anxiety felt like myself.  My attitude towards people who work in customer service jobs didn't change until I worked at Old Navy and got griped at a lot from people about things I had zero control over.

So what is it that I want to teach my children about this?  What themes do I want to be present in my home?  What do I want them to know about approaching the hard moments and coming out on the other side with faith and character?

I don't know what it's like to parent an older child so I am coming at this from my own life experience.  I'm looking at developing an attitude in my children based on what I've learned personally.  So, please, parents who have been there done that, chime in!

1.  When the hardship comes, dive into it.  I need to feel all of the emotions that are to be felt.  I need to take everything in.  Mourn, get mad, whatever.  I need to understand what happened and explore what this new reality means for my life.   Maybe it's a death in the family or a job loss.  Maybe it's a friend who treated me poorly.  I allow myself to absorb it fully.  Ignoring it or attempting to brush it under the rug isn't going to help me get over it or grow from it.

2.  Determine how I'm going to push through.  If I was hurt by someone, how am I going to approach them?  How am I going to heal?  Do I need to ask for forgiveness?  If I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by depression, do I need to see a counselor?  Are there practical things in my life that I can go ahead and change?  Some kind of plan needs to be made to sort through whatever the issue is.

3.  Learn and reflect.  I have to learn from the bad stuff or it is absolutely worthless.  When I'm not searching for the good or the redeeming nature of a situation, then bad stuff will always just be bad stuff.  This doesn't change how awful something is or feels, but it creates an attitude of hope and it gives me the ability to move on with my life. 

Again, I haven't had the chance to guide a child through this process, but I have certainly had to many times myself.  I believe it will be important to work through attitudes as my kids encounter rough moments in life.  I want to walk alongside them in it so that when they're on their own, they know how to cope.  I want to create little humans that look at hardships and hurt as a challenge, an adventure, and an opportunity.  No, I can't possibly do it perfectly every time and they can't possibly execute it seamlessly every time, but this is going to be my goal.

BFBN: teaching appreciation in an entitled world

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week!  All week, each of us will be sharing posts on the same topic and directing our readers to the different blogs in the network.  Here's the schedule for the week:

Monday:  Valerie from Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday:  Maureen from Childwise Chat
Wednesday:  Rachel from A Mother Far From Home
Thursday:  Emily from Journey of Parenthood
Friday:  Claire from My Devising

Today, Emily blogs about the importance of instilling an attitude of appreciation rather than an attitude of entitlement.  When I think about Duke and where he is right now, the points that relate to us the most are not always getting what you want and limiting rewards.  Just because I can give Duke something he wants doesn't mean I always should.  Also, it's so tempting to reward Duke as often as I can for good behavior.  However, I want him to make good choices without the promise of getting anything in return.  Click here to read the rest of Emily's post!

Tomorrow is my day to share a post on attitude, so don't forget to come back!

BFBN: can I require a good attitude without stifling my children's emotions?

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week!  All week, each of us will be sharing posts on the same topic and directing our readers to the different blogs in the network.  Here's the schedule for the week:

Monday:  Valerie from Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday:  Maureen from Childwise Chat
Wednesday:  Rachel from A Mother Far From Home
Thursday:  Emily from Journey of Parenthood
Friday:  Claire from My Devising

Rachel's post on attitude today is so great.  She says, "I think we can train our children to process their emotions in a healthy way while still being able to just buckle down and do what needs to be done."  I completely agree and that is certainly what I hope to achieve with my children.  Rachel lists some really practical ways we can deal with our kids' attitudes, and I love how clear she is with her end goals.  She says:

"The goal is for our children to:

• exhibit a positive attitude;
• be able to express their emotions;
• feel understood and heard by their parents; and
• not be ruled by their emotions and moods."

 Head on over to her blog to read the full post!

BFBN: what do we mean by attitude?

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week!  All week, each of us will be sharing posts on the same topic and directing our readers to the different blogs in the network.  Here's the schedule for the week:

Monday:  Valerie from Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday:  Maureen from Childwise Chat
Wednesday:  Rachel from A Mother Far From Home
Thursday:  Emily from Journey of Parenthood
Friday:  Claire from My Devising

Maureen's post on attitude today is so practical.  She breaks it down into several different behaviors or emotions we want to cultivate and see in our children - things like determination, confidence, and submission.  "Attitude" can feel like a huge concept, but when it's spelled out this way, it seems like a doable thing to tackle.  Head on over to Maureen's blog to read more!

BFBN: should you correct for attitude?

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week!  All week, each of us will be sharing posts on the same topic and directing our readers to the different blogs in the network.  Here's the schedule for the week:

Monday:  Valerie from Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday:  Maureen from Childwise Chat
Wednesday:  Rachel from A Mother Far From Home
Thursday:  Emily from Journey of Parenthood
Friday:  Claire from My Devising

If you're new around here, I'm a part of a Babywise Blog Network.  We're simply a group of moms who have found the principles of Babywise to be extremely beneficial not only in our kids' lives, but in our lives as well.  This week, we're each blogging on the topic of attitude. There are some really great posts coming your way and I hope you'll check them out.

Today, Valerie writes about the importance of correcting our kids' attitudes.  I love what she says at the end about how to correct for attitude problems.  Since I have a 2.5 year old, learning self-control is huge around here.  Her tips on addressing a little one's attitude are really good to remember.   To read her post, click here.  Don't forget to check back every day this week for a new post!

BFBN: communication through the middle years

Today is Babywise Friendly Blog Network day!  I'm talking about following your dreams after having kids over on Emily's blog.  I'd love for you to read it and share your thoughts!  Also, I may or may not be giving away one of our lullaby albums.  I mean, you'll just have to check.

I love that Maureen is sharing about how to communicate with your children through the middle years (AKA adolescence.  AKA the years that totally freak me out.)  I think you'll love what she has to say!

Communication through the Middle Years
By Maureen Monfore, www.ChildwiseChat.com

Just the other night, I popped in my DVD of Parenting the Middle Years. It’s a wonderful video of Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo as they teach us how to prepare our kids (and ourselves!) for adolescence. My oldest is 9.5, so we are certainly on our way. We are more than halfway to age 18, which frightens me a bit!

Well, in the video, the Ezzos devote quite a bit of time to the importance of how to communicate with our kids. But before I go there, let me emphasize the importance of moving our kids through the funnel. At age two, you aren’t going to have a conversation with your child about what he’d like to have for dinner. But at age 12, it’s a perfectly valid conversation. Be sure to recognize that your kids are growing and aging, and don’t treat your 8-year-old like a 3-year-old.

Anyway, as for communication, there were several key points that I took away from the video.

1. Consider gender

Boys and girls communicate differently. You don’t need to look much past your marriage to realize this. Girls prefer direct conversation. If you feel a certain way, don’t be afraid to look her in the eye and say so. Boys require a completely different approach. Direct conversation is a little intimidating. They’re much more responsive if your conversation centers around a task of some sort. Go outside and shoot some hoops or something while you talk to your sons.

2. Think about birth order

In the video, the Ezzos explain that birth order also influences communication with our kids. Our first-borns in particular want direct, clear communication. They often see life in black and white. They’re usually fine with either black or white, but they just want to know with clarity what we expect. I see this in my oldest for sure. My husband is this way, too, even though he’s second of four. It drives him nuts when I change my mind or act indecisive, which I do all the time. As a baby of the family, I definitely live my life in shades of gray. For our own babies, they pick up a lot from their older brothers and sisters. They’re often perceptive of what you’ve taught their siblings and don’t require such specificity.

3. Make time for conversation

If you don’t already, make sure to make time for conversation. Our kids need to know that our door is always open and that we want to know what’s on their minds. Make “Talk Time” a consistent part of your routine. You can set aside 10 minutes at bedtime when life is quiet, or do it at the breakfast table. It’s important, however, to give each child their own individual Talk Time, as one child may want to ask you something that’s inappropriate for a sibling’s ears. Another way to do this is to involve just one child in chores or errands. Working in the yard together or going grocery shopping is a great way to make time for one child. And by the way, working in the yard together would be great for a boy who prefers to be doing something else while talking.

4. Teach the “Ten Talk Rule”

This little rule is fantastic when our lives get super busy and we can’t always make time for Talk Time. The Ten Talk Rule requires that the child rate the importance of whatever it is he has to say to mom or dad. If it’s a 10, mom and dad know that they need to offer their immediate, undivided attention. If it’s a 6 or 7, mom and dad can get to it sometime before the end of the day. If it’s a 5 or below, the conversation can wait until the next day or later in the week. Of course at first, every issue will be a 10, so understand that it may take some time for our kids to get used to the idea.

Aren’t these ideas great?! I love the Ezzos and all their great wisdom. In fact, you may not want to delay in getting the next book or video in the series. I’ve been living in Childwise/Growing Kids God’s Way for quite a while now. In fact, I’ve even had the Parenting the Middle Years book and video for at least a year. I regret not watching it sooner. There are some real gems, many of which I’ve never heard them talk about before!

the formula for being a perfect mom

Right after having Duke, I quickly realized the hard of motherhood.  The exhaustion of not getting any sleep, the constant on-the-clock "ness" of it, the never-ending spit up, the nap schedules, the demands of breastfeeding, the confusion of PPD.  This was hard, and it was a really hard kind of hard because it was a person, a life, we were dealing with here.

But now that Duke is almost two and most of those things are nonexistent, I'm beginning to see another side of the hard.  I'm starting to see this blonde-haired, blue-eyed toddler become a person.  I see him think about things, I observe as he processes the world around him, I hear him repeat every word we say, and I watch as he expresses his emotions - whether happy, hurt, excited, frustrated, or downright mad.  He has a personality and he's becoming a little boy.

When I think about the hard of motherhood right now, it's all centered around the belief that everything I do (or don't do) is making Duke into who he will be in 20+ years. 

That is a lot of pressure.

I approach each situation we come across and immediately view the long-term effects in my head.  It feels like every little choice I make in parenting is a huge building block in who I'm helping Duke become.

If I give in to a fit right now, I am endorsing the "you can always get what you want" philosophy.  

If I run to him and pick him up after he falls down, I am sending a message that he's not tough or can't deal with pain on his own.  

Or, if I don't run to him and pick him up after he falls down, I am not showing him love and I'm not assuring him that I'm there for him.

Way too much thinking going on.  It's exhausting, really.  I think a lot of you moms can relate.

We're reading a book called "Desperate" in our MOMS bible study and I love what she says here:

"I see so many young women today who live by fear - fear of what others will think, fear of how they might ruin their children, fear of the expectations of other people, fear that they will not fill in all the holes in their children's lives.  I also see women who are afraid to be themselves."

I couldn't underline that passage enough.

All of this pressure we place on ourselves as moms comes from one place:  Fear.  Fear that things aren't going to turn out well or the way we would've liked.  Fear can wear many different hats - being scared of everything, being extremely controlling, living in a constant state of worry, always concerned about what people think, etc.

We fear because somewhere deep down we think we actually may know best, which is an obvious indicator of where fear is birthed.  Pride.

And when I think about one thing I do not want my kids learning from me, it's pride.  Pride is ugly.  Pride doesn't have friends, it doesn't serve selflessly, it doesn't encourage, it doesn't have compassion, and it doesn't lead with grace.  The last thing I want to do is parent out of a place of fear or pride.

My kind of personality loves formulas.  I like plans and I like things to make sense.  But in parenting, there is a lot of gray.  And not just within the world of your child, but within the entire world of parenting.  Two sets of parents can do things differently and both of them can still be right.  Two sets of parents can do things the exact same way and yield completely different results.  This complicates things because it means there is not one set of answers for everything.  You can't rely on a formula and you can't do everything the same way every single time with every single child.

There's just no formula when it comes to being the perfect mom.

And here's the deal.  Even if there was a right way to do things or a flawless way of parenting, there would still be no guarantee that my child would turn out perfectly, making all the right decisions, having compassion for all the people, saying all the nice things, and accomplishing all the goals.  And if this is the case - that even the most perfect parenting may not create the perfect child - then why do I get myself so worked up?

I'm not saying that we shouldn't be aware of how we parent.  I'm not saying we shouldn't try to be great examples.  I am saying that we shouldn't obsess over every little thing to where it robs us of the now.

(Side Note:  This is why I don't pin or read anything along the lines of "30 things you should tell your daughter before she's 18."  1.  It's just way too much to process or handle.  2.  It creates this desire in me to latch on to and believe in some formula.  Hear me, those articles are not wrong.  I just can't deal with them.)

I've come to this conclusion:  The Spirit is the formula. 

I'm truly trying to reorganize my thinking in all of this - to not fall into the path of my own pride by fearing what I don't know or might not be able to fix.  The only thing I can rest in is that I'm doing my best and I'm trusting God through all of it.  I'm involving him and asking him to be a part of this mothering thing.  I pray about the hard stuff, ask Him about the hard stuff, search Him for answers, listen to the Spirit's guidance.

(If you think that sounds unreasonable and too churchy, I challenge you to try it out.  Genuinely talk to God and genuinely believe He will answer.  You may be surprised.)

Formulas don't work in parenting, but leaning into the Spirit always works.  Let's stop comparing our children and our parenting skills and realize that every child, every parent, and every situation is different.  Let's stop trying to parent perfectly for fear that our child might not turn out the way we want.  Let's listen to our children, give them our time, show them an abundance of love, and encourage them to be who God has made them to be.