the 7 year itch

As it pertains to relationships, "The 7 Year Itch" implies that after 7 years, there is a decline in happiness and satisfaction.

Colt and I celebrated 7 years on October 10th and I would say that this year has been challenging.  It's been the most challenging.  Adding our 2nd child into the mix and dealing with the stress (and excitement) of a job change resulted in full plates.  For several months last year, we were both running on empty and it was just enough to keep ourselves going, let alone be concerned with the other.  We saw the affects of this, worked hard to get over the hump, and are more in love and respect each more than ever before.  These are some of the things that were highlighted for me in this past year of marriage, either through the lens of our own marriage or by examining the idea of marriage as a whole.

MARRIAGE IS A TEAM EFFORT

In our philosophy of marriage, there aren't many things that are viewed as "separate."  There is no yours and mine.  The kids are ours.  The house is ours.  The money is ours.  The decisions are ours.

One of my favorite things Colt says is, "Hey Team!" as he bursts in the door from work every day.  It's an instant reminder that this is not a me against him kind of scenario.  It's not about who had the hardest day or who is shouldering the most stress.  It's not a competition.  I don't have to defend why staying home with our kids full-time is an actual job that requires actual work.  He doesn't have to defend why running a company, while exciting and filled with some great opportunities, is hard and holds a lot of responsibility.

When you have husbands and wives who are loving and respecting each other, there's no need to pull rank or prove worth.  No role is more important than the other.  We are a team.

MARRIAGE NEEDS (THE RIGHT) COMMUNITY

Most marriages we see in Hollywood are short-lived.  A lot of marriages we see portrayed on our TV screens are boring.  (Except for marriages on Parenthood.  That show wins the real life portrayal award.)  And beyond that, sex in marriage on TV is portrayed as comical, completely lacking of passion, and possibly even non-existent.  It matters who we listen to and who we watch.  If you take your cues from pop culture, you'll probably see your marriage as mundane and unexciting.  If you're surrounded by other couples who are loving each other fiercely and experiencing the satisfaction that comes with it, then you'll be encouraged and pushed in your own relationship.

One of my most favorite moments in our marriage will forever be when we went to California with the Watsons back in February.  We had a good, long talk about our marriage.  Things were fine, but they could've been better.  We weren't okay with okay.  This conversation was the perfect example of why community is important when it comes to marriage.  We were not designed to be happily married on our own without any help or accountability.  That's just asking for problems.  They asked us hard questions, we heard each other say things we didn't know the other thought, we apologized, and we talked about what was next.  (If you've never talked about the deep parts of your marriage with another couple, I strongly encourage you to do so.  We have several couples in our lives in which we can mutually confide in one another.  You'd be surprised to know what you find yourself and your spouse expressing in the company of other married folks you love and trust.  There's a safety and freedom that comes from that kind of conversation that you sometimes can't get to when it's just the two of you.)

While there is a certain privacy that should be kept between husbands and wives in marriage, there is also plenty of room to invite others in.  I would maybe even venture to say that community is not just a good idea, it's a necessity to having a beautiful, functioning, loving marriage.

MARRIAGE IS A CHOICE

I love the easy, perfect times of marriage but those don't come without being willing to fight through the hard, frustrating times.  Difficult things get thrown your way, but the bottom line is that marriage is a choice and love is a choice.  (This is not an anti-divorce statement.  There are plenty of circumstances when that is the best thing for all involved.)  You either push through or you give up.  You either choose to love someone else or you choose to love your spouse.  I know that's not popular in our "do what you feel and do what comes natural" society, but it's the truth. 

MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK

We are surrounded by convenience in our world.  Sometimes I think we let that bleed over into relationships.  If this relationship is hard work, then maybe it's not meant to be or maybe I just shouldn't be a part of it anymore.  But anything great and rewarding in life requires a fight.  Our marriages are worth fighting for. 

MARRIAGE IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL

Okay, actually marriage is one of THE biggest deals.  When I think about important decisions, I think about choosing to follow Christ first and then I think about marrying Colt.  You do not want to mess this "who am I supposed to marry?" deal up.  You do not want to marry someone because everyone else is doing it or because it seems like the next step or because you think it will fix your problems.  Those are really bad reasons for getting married.  I promise you - the heartache of calling off a wedding, sending back presents, and explaining what happened does not compare to the heartache of a failed marriage.

I knew at 22 when I married Colt that he was my person.  I knew with my whole heart that God was in it and that I would never find anyone else like Colt, and I didn't want to!  But now, I know all of that even more.  I can't imagine a better partner and I'm so thankful for Spirit's guidance and the support/encouragement from my friends and family back then.  They affirmed my decision over and over.  If you don't consider it a big deal when you tie the knot, then it will become an even bigger deal years later.  We must choose wisely.

MARRIAGE NEEDS A CENTER

I've got quite a guy.  A man who is the president of Walrus Audio and works hard at what he does.  A man who is a youth pastor on the side at our church and cares for those students deeply.  A man who comes in the door from work, ready to change the poopy diaper that I haven't had a free second to change, ready to keep an eye on the boiling noodles on the stove, ready to wrestle with kids on the couch, ready to hear about my day and encourage me.

Of course, to me, he's the best.  But I know many of you men out there who walk alongside some of my best friends in this same way.  There's only one common denominator and that is the Lord.  He holds marriages together.  He holds people together.  Maybe there's nothing "sexy" about 60 years of marriage, but there is something strong, intense, passionate, enduring, and refining about it.  And that sounds a lot better to me.

I'll admit, when we got married, "keeping God as the center of your marriage" seemed like a cute tagline.  A good idea.  I didn't necessarily grasp the weight of it, but I understood it to somehow be important.  While I think I will continue learning what that means in marriage, I will say that in 7 years, it most definitely is crucial in order to have a thriving marriage.  Same hobbies?  Cool, but not imperative.  Same musical taste?  Fun, but not important.  Same beliefs in God?  Hands down, a must.   

Life will fall apart, things will crumble, and sin will try to creep its way into our marriages.  And when all of those things happen, it matters where each of us run.  It matters that you and your spouse are on the same page spiritually.  Where do you place your happiness?  Where do you place your trust?  Is it you, your spouse, or God?  That makes all the difference. 

MARRIAGE IS MY DREAM

Although we are not perfect by any means, I do feel like we've learned and grown a lot in these past 7 years.  This year has been the hardest and my most favorite year of marriage so far.  It seems counter-intuitive for something to be the best and the worst, but with marriage it is true.  The more challenges we overcome together, the closer we grow.  The more opportunities we are faced with to trust in God and only God, the closer we grow.

When I think about my 22 year old self walking down the aisle on October 10, 2008, what I want to say to her is this:

"Wow.  You kind of have no idea what you're doing, but you are making the absolute best choice.  You have no idea the kind of integrity this man has.  You have no idea how many times he will rescue you.  You have no idea how often he will cover you with prayer.  You have no idea how painfully honest he will be.  You have no idea how faithful he will be to you and to God.  You have no idea the kind of father he will be.  While this version of Colt is still quite the catch, you are marrying just a tiny glimpse of who he will become.  Get excited and be so very grateful."

Colt is my dream.  I knew it in 2006 when we started dating and I still know it now.  7 year itch, 7 schmear schmitch.

I love you, Colt.

carlton landing getaway

A few months ago, I received an email asking me if we'd like to have a free overnight stay at Carlton Landing.  I'd been dreaming of visiting Carlton Landing for the past several months after seeing pictures here and there from various friends' social media accounts.  So this was a no-brainer.

We dropped the kids off at my parents' house on Friday and when we arrived at Carlton Landing, we were assigned a beautiful cottage.

Since the food truck at Carlton Landing was already closed, we ran into town, bought some groceries for the next day, and grabbed some Braum's.  Although it felt a little funny that our "romantic dinner" was a burger and fries, it didn't matter because we were eating it in new, fancy surroundings.  After dinner, we played some Egyptian War, went to the hot tub, and then got in bed and watched TV.  (We don't have a TV in our room at home so this is always a treat!)

We woke up Saturday morning to the sun shining through our windows.  Colt made coffee and we stayed in bed as we drank our first cup of the day.  Then we had sausage, eggs, toast, and mimosas on the porch.  The view was beautiful, the scene was quiet, and the weather was unbelievably perfect.

If you're looking for a getaway, as a couple or as a family, this is your place.  We really do hope to go back someday and bring the kiddos along!

Carlton Landing

Facebook // Instagram // Twitter // Pinterest

BFBN: why love languages matter

Today is the Babywise Friendly Blog Network's Pinterest Day and our topic is love languages.

I haven't officially ever read The 5 Love Languages, but I have heard it referenced in marriage workshops and I'm familiar with the concept.  Colt always jokes that I actually have all of them.  So a couple of days ago, I took The 5 Love Languages test.  You guys, the computer doesn't lie.  I'm kind of all of them.  Or I'm kind of 3 of them, which may as well be all of them as far as Colt's concerned.  With the highest score being 12, this is how I ranked:

8 RECEIVING GIFTS

7 QUALITY TIME

7 WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

4 ACTS OF SERVICE

4 PHYSICAL TOUCH

This particular combination of results is also known as:  "Don't touch me, just buy me things!"

As I was taking the test, I had a really hard time comparing the two scenarios and choosing which one fit me best.  Almost every question stumped me.  (Can't I just have love shown to me in all of those ways 100% of the time?  Is that too much to ask?)  But the results are so right.  I love getting gifts from Colt.  For being such a plain, anti-floral person, I love getting flowers from Colt.  I love the silly things too - like when he buys me my favorite candy or gets me a coke.  The amount of money spent is irrelevant.  Gifts mean the most to me because it shows that he was away from me, thought about me, and chose something just for me based on how much he knows and loves me.

But along with figuring out how you best receive and interpret love from someone, it's important to know what the other person needs.  A lot of times, what we give isn't really what they want.  It's what we want.   Because I want gifts, I love giving gifts as well.  I find myself giving gifts to Colt pretty often.  We were talking about this and I said, "So buying you something special doesn't really do much for you?"  He smiled and said that he'd much rather receive encouraging words from me.  These were his results:

9 WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

8 ACTS OF SERVICE

7 QUALITY TIME

4 PHYSICAL TOUCH

2 RECEIVING GIFTS

This particular combination of results is also known as:  "I don't want your money, just tell me how awesome I am!"

If I want Colt to feel loved, I have to tell him with my words.  I think a lot of really good things about him throughout the day, but sometimes I forget to verbalize them.  I forget to say, "Thanks for always taking the trash out.  Thanks for getting up so early to go to work even after you stayed up late with me the night before so we could get in some quality time.  You're a really good dad and I see how you come home from work and immediately jump in with the kids."  I already think the words of affirmation, but I have to be sure and say them.

If you haven't ever taken this test, I think it's worth your time.  We may hear our spouses constantly ask for something they need, but when we see on paper that they actually do need it, it kind of changes our minds.  Knowing how we can love and serve our partners is a wonderful thing.

as the music at the banquet, so are you to me

Our 6 year wedding anniversary has come and gone. 

We celebrated early with a little 24 hour getaway to Tulsa.  We were already hanging out in Stillwater because of Colt's high school reunion, which he helped organized.  (We couldn't have had more opposite high school experiences.) 

After all of the reunion festivities, we headed to Tulsa.  Colt's parents watched the kids overnight - first overnight away since Nova's been born!  We had such a great time.  There was thrift store shopping, eating, sleeping, room service, and lots of good talking.  It's pretty tricky to find time to really talk these days.  Look each other in the eye and really ask how the other person is kind of talking.  This weekend allowed us to regroup and hit the restart button. 

On the actual day of our anniversary, we attended one of our precious friend's weddings.  I had the honor of doing a song for the ceremony that Karlie (my sister) actually sang in our ceremony - "So Are You To Me."  It was a full circle kind of moment.

A sweet mentor in our church said (wrote) some sweet words to me the other day.  Our conversation wasn't technically about marriage, but at the end, she added that Colt is such a good protector for me and that he always has my back.  I couldn't agree more.  One of the best things about being married is that someone is always on your team no matter what.  

Right now, we're in a season of life where we're finding our new normal with 2 kids.  You know how it goes - a quick "Bye, I love you" whispered to me in the morning, a fast dinner as he rushes in the door at 6 p.m. because we have somewhere to be (soccer practice, church, etc.), the default chaos of doing anything with a 3 year old and a 4 month old, the quick drive home to get everyone in bed at a decent hour, tidying up the house, putting dishes away ... and that's that.  Sometimes we squeeze in an episode of a show or some hot tea or whatever, but sometimes we can't.  It's just the season we're in.  I'd say that we're pretty adjusted, but there are some legitimately tough days here and there.

But I told Colt in the car that weekend in Tulsa that I don't think the little-kid-raising phase has to equal a semi-crappy marriage.  Well, it's just the season we're in is true, but I want to fight against it.  We still want to be married well.

Every year of marriage that goes by, a little layer of ourselves gets peeled away.  Every year we learn just a bit more about how we can be better to one another and how we can love better.  We aren't perfect to each other all the time, but we chose each other 6 years ago, so we'll keep working at it.

Thanks, Colt, for holding my heart so well.  I wouldn't want to be doing this life thing, marriage thing, or parenting thing with anyone else but you.

our 6 year relationship with a pig valve

(one of our engagement pictures from 2008 by Lisha Myers)

One of my first posts on this little ole blog had to do with Colt's heart.

I guess you could say there was a thin layer of cynicism that was stripped away after Colt's aortic valve replacement in 2008 (which was replaced after an attempt at repair in 2006).  Yes.  That's 2 open heart surgeries for a healthy kid in his 20s.

I've told little miniature parts of his story (here and here) but not a ton.  Mostly because thinking about his heart makes my stomach churn.

Colt's first surgery in 2006 (our junior year) happened a couple of days after our first date, a few weeks after he told me he liked me, and a few months after I started my habit of crying about him in the shower.  (Although I didn't know it then, I was already in love with him.  I wanted him so badly to be mine but I had no idea how he felt about me.  So, I cried in the shower.  That's what girls do.)

(I also left our apartment living room full of girls to go cry in the closet after he left for his surgery.  I threw myself on my pile of dirty clothes in desperation.  Sounds dramatic, but I really liked the guy.)

To say that was an emotional and intense beginning to our relationship is an understatement.  I was an absolute wreck.

I set my alarm the morning of his surgery so I could wake up and pray for him.  Never before had I ever set my alarm to wake up and pray for someone.  But I needed him to be okay.

His mom called me throughout the day and kept me updated.  But when I finally got to talk to Colt a couple of days after the surgery, I remember feeling like I was flying.  I know how ridiculously romantic and cheesy that sounds.  But, guys, I'm crying now just thinking about it.  I could finally hear the voice of the guy that I liked (loved) and I could know with my own ears that he was okay.

His surgery was over Christmas break and I'll never forget my drive home from OBU that December.  "Goodbye" by Patty Griffin and "Girls and Boys" by Ingrid Michaelson were on my mixed CD I was listening to.  I cried the entire way home.

"Today my heart is big and sore.  It's trying to push right through my skin."  
"We are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."  

Lots of lyrics about hearts and ribs and sadness.  Totally emo but totally made me sob. 

I was greeted at the door by my mom who had no idea that I had just spent the past hour bawling (except that maybe a blotchy face and red eyes gave it away).  But besides that, I believe all moms have some kind of super power that gives them a pathway into their kids' souls sometimes.  Even though Colt and I were barely even "a thing," I think she knew how serious it was and felt to me.  She gave me a huge hug and all the tears came flowing out again.

Thankfully, I got to go up and see him a couple of days over the break in Stillwater.  I know it was probably a crazy thing for my parents to let me do.  We're going to let our daughter go see/stay at the house of the guy she likes, but isn't officially a couple with, surrounded by an emotionally charged situation?  (Yes, you are.)  And they did, and I'm so grateful.  I have no idea what their thought process was, but my guess is that's one of those parenting moments that maybe you just have to go with your gut and trust that you're making the right decision even though it feels so vulnerable and uncomfortable.

But that time in Stillwater was life determining for us.  (After getting engaged, Colt said he knew he was going to marry me when we were brushing our teeth together in the bathroom one night over that break.  I love when he reminds me of that moment.  It was a tiny one, but yet such a big one.)

We spent most of our time there sitting and talking.  One night, Colt attempted to start some episodes of The Office, but after a while, I said, "Could we just talk?"  I just wanted to know him.  I could never tire of hearing him talk or laughing with him.

Colt recovered from that surgery and was back at school for J-term a couple of weeks later.  (He was crazy.  Now that I'm a mom I have NO IDEA how Jill survived him going back to school so soon.  I'm sure she prayed/cried herself to sleep.)

Fast forward to October of 2007 (our senior year).  Colt went back for a check-up and got some pretty awful news.  Another surgery was needed.  The repair wasn't holding up, and he would need a replacement.  This opened up a new chunk of questions.  Would we go with a mechanical valve that lasted longer but meant that a less-active lifestyle and blood thinners would be crucial?  Would we go with a pig valve that would allow Colt to be the runner/climber/adventurer that he is but that would only last 5-10 years before needing surgery again?

It was tough.  But I believe God used the doctor to make our minds up for us.  He said, "If you were my brother, I'd tell you to go with the pig valve."  That pretty much sealed the deal for me.  Really, how much of a "life" would Colt be living if he couldn't DO all of the things he loved to do?  A mechanical valve would suck some of that joy away.  A pig valve was the right decision.

Spring Break of our senior year rolled around and we were off to Houston for the aortic valve replacement.  (Having open heart surgery during Spring Break of your senior year is what everyone wants to do, right?)

There was an inkling of hope that a miracle had happened.  Since we found out he needed surgery again, there were many moments I would put my hand on Colt's heart and pray for healing.  I really thought God might decide to make a miracle out of Colt.

But that March, his valve was still in need of repair.  They checked it one last time before wheeling him off to surgery.  I was kind of mad.  We were going to have to go through with this and God didn't answer my prayer - my really persistent, expectant prayer.

The waiting room experience was awful.  I'd never wish that on anyone.  But seeing Colt - the man of my dreams, my fiance of just a few months, a healthy 21 year old, the definition of strength to me - on that ICU bed with a tube down his throat and absolutely no ability to communicate with me was devastating.  I can hardly type this, as it's hard to see through my tears.  When it was time for me to go, he reached out, grabbed my hand, and his eyebrows said the rest.  Please don't leave me.

I felt a rush of warmth and panic come over my body and I blurted out, "I need to sit down."  His mom found me a chair which saved me from passing out.

I had never known that kind of pain before.  The pain of watching the person you love the most suffer.  There was nothing I could do.  I just remember stroking his face and hair, holding his hands, and talking to him.  That's all I could do.

After calling my friend, Jolie, bawling, it was time to get some sleep.  Jill and I spent that night in a lobby of some floor in the hospital.  When those ICU doors opened again, we wanted to be there.  We got kicked out of our little area by a security guard and somehow found ourselves on the maternity floor.  I don't really know what happened after that, but I do know that we continued to see Colt every chance we could.

Once he was moved to a normal room, things began to feel more hopeful.  He was still in tremendous pain, but he was Colt.  He could talk to me, he could smile, and he could laugh (gently, with a pillow  hugged to his chest).

Again, like a crazy person, he returned to school pretty quickly after surgery.

At 21 years old, I got a quick dose of grow-the-heck-up.  It was a serious time, but I'm so glad I was able to be there for it.  There have been moments in our marriage that I think back on this, remember God's protection, and can look at Colt with those same eyes I saw him with in that ICU.  Sure, we get in fights and I get insanely mad at him, but many times, these memories enter my mind and my heart softens quickly.

When Colt left for his annual appointment this time around (2ish weeks ago), I wasn't as scared.  Mainly because my faith in God and understanding of his goodness have grown.  Of course, I had still been praying for a miracle as I do every year, that his valve would suddenly be made of human tissue.  It's a crazy prayer, but our God is a crazy God.  We're allowed to ask for crazy things.

Unfortunately, it's still a pig valve.  But the good news?  Everything looks the same (THE SAME) as it did 2 years ago.  (We didn't ever schedule an appointment last year.)  I was overjoyed when Colt called me and gave me the news.

Colt and I each have our thorn in our flesh.  Mine is anxiety and his is the pig valve.  Although these are completely different issues, they are things that will never go away.  (Unless a miracle occurs, which is totally possible.)  They will always need to be managed and watched over and contained.  Everyone has a thorn - the thing that plagues you and reminds that you aren't invincible, you aren't in control, and you need help.

Anxiety and bicuspid aortic valves suck.  They make me cry and they feel life-ruining at times.  But as annoying as it sounds, we are better for them.  No, we don't like them, the sting isn't lessened, we aren't naive, we aren't unfazed by the pain.  They're terrible, yes.  But we are made into different people because of them.  It's part of this whole sanctification process - learning to be more like Christ by suffering and suffering well.

I share this not to say LOOK HOW HARD MY LIFE IS because it could always be harder and I'm so thankful for God's protection and faithfulness.  I share it to say that LIFE ISN'T EASY JUST BECAUSE YOU TRUST IN GOD.  God never made that bargain with us.

I began writing this post simply because it was relevant.  Colt had just returned from Houston and I wanted to share his story (with his approval).  But as I got to the end, I felt a prodding to end with these thoughts.

With or without God, there's going to be some pretty terrible stuff happen to us.  Putting my faith in Him doesn't exempt me from a single ounce of pain.  We're all in the same boat when it comes to that.  But who I run to and how I process through my pain will probably look a little different than someone who doesn't have a relationship with God.  The process, the comfort, and the hope offer so much protection for me.  It's what causes me to genuinely think, I don't know how I would survive this life without God.  And that's not because I grew up in church or because I think that's the right thing to say.  I know it with every fiber of my being.

The story of Colt's heart is not over.  But for now, we celebrate that God has provided men and women knowledge that far surpasses what we know about our bodies.  We celebrate that doctor who thought he heard something a bit "off" in Colt's heart during a physical in high school.  We celebrate that a very wise and skilled surgeon did an amazing job back in 2008.  We celebrate that God has allowed this pig valve to last 6 years without a lot of wear. 

There truly is a lot to be thankful for. 

BFBN: 6 things that make our marriage successful

In approaching this Babywise Network "Tips and Tricks" day on marriage, I felt a little silly.  I mean, we've been married for just about 5.5 years, so we're still very much in the beginnings of this whole thing.  While offering advice on marriage would feel weird, telling you some small things that have worked for us doesn't.  We know what keeps things flowing smoothly in our home and what causes immediate misunderstanding, miscommunication, and frustration.  (Clarification:  This doesn't mean we always DO what we know works.)

This is certainly not an exhaustive list of everything we've learned while being married to each other.  However, these were the things that came to the forefront of my mind.

1.  LOOK EACH OTHER IN THE EYES
This may seem kind of "Duh!" but it's really not.  With TVs and iPhones sucking our focus away from each other, we have to be really careful when one of us starts to talk.  The speaker feels most valued when the other has his/her full attention.  And that includes eye contact.

2.  GREET WHEN COMING HOME
This one is mainly important to Colt simply because I am pretty much always at home.  When he walks in the door, it's important for me to stand up/stop what I'm doing, say hi, and give him a hug.  This isn't like a weird 1950's housewife thing.  It's just an easy way I can express to Colt, "Hey, I see you and I appreciate you.  Thanks for your hard work today and I'm really glad you're home."

3.  ASK GOOD QUESTIONS
I loved this post by Momastery about this very thing.  Asking good questions about each others' days is really important.  "How was your day?" is basically begging for a boring, one or two word response.  "What was the best part of your day?" is way better.  We learn more about each other by doing this.

4.  DON'T BE A FIXER
I feel like this is more of a girl thing, but Colt has learned that I do NOT want a fix to my problems.  Sometimes I just want to vent.  I want someone to listen and say, "Man, that's terrible!" not, "Well, here's what you can do ..."  Holding off on all things advice-related is probably always a good idea unless the other person asks for it.

5.  DON'T BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
If I want help or want Colt to do something, I need to ask.  No passive aggressive stuff.  Colt immediately sees through comments like, "Man, it'd be nice if we could get such-and-such done tonight."  He'd much rather me just flat out ask for help rather than make him guess.

6.  FOCUS ON SERVING, NOT ON BEING SERVED
This is the hardest one.  When we least expect it, we suddenly hit the I-just-can't-serve-you-anymore-because-you're-not-serving-me wall.  This results in a conversation about why we feel this way and how we feel we could better serve/be served.  It's not a fun thing to work on because someone has to go first.  Someone has to serve first.  But working through it and talking about it is always worth it.

What about you married folks out there?  What makes your marriage a success?

 Follow the Babywise Friendly Blog Network Pinterest page for more Tips and Tricks! 

my swollen-lip valentine

 (Colt and I at his work Christmas party this past December.)

I'll never forget our first Valentine's Day together in 2007.  We had been dating for about 2 months and were "official" for about 1 month.

We weren't serious enough to make big plans but we weren't nothing enough to play it cool.  (I mean, in my head we were serious.  I was ready to marry this guy months before he even verbally expressed his interest in me.  This was evident by my many nights crying in the shower, wishing Colt would just love me.  How hard could it be???)

(Turns out, it is kind of hard to love me sometimes.)

Anyway, Valentine's Day was on a Wednesday, which meant Colt had responsibilities leading music for a church in the city.  So evening plans were out.  We rebelliously skipped chapel that day, and he took me to a wonderfully romantic breakfast date at IHOP in Shawnee during the 10:00 hour.

I think I made him a card on construction paper in return for my "quick 2 egg breakfast" he bought me.  Like I said, we were keeping it chill.  Nobody can be TOO into the other at this point. 

We had a great time and I loved spending my morning with him.  (To this day, breakfast dates are some of my favorite dates we go on.  Maybe it's because I love starting my days with him - looking at him, talking with him.  Or maybe it's because I just can't ever get enough hollandaise sauce and hash browns and bacon.  Either way, I love breakfast dates.)

I'd love to have a picture to show you how young and in love we were but I don't.  Mainly because we were carrying razors (not a thing to shave legs but rather to call someone on) as phones and their version of a "camera" was kind of a joke.  But also because Colt's lip was huge that day.  I mean, monumentally huge.  He woke up with a swollen lip and was clueless as to how it got like that.  I was pretty taken aback by it myself.  It was a moment of questioning for me,  do I really like this guy?  Swollen lip and all?  But yes, I did.

(His lip eventually returned to normal and all was well.  We still have no idea what that was all about.)

I don't know what I'd do without Colt.  I just really don't know.  He has played such a role in who I am today.

He's pushed me when I've wanted to give up
He's prayed over my anxious moments
He's held me when I feel like things are falling apart
He's encouraged me when I feel like I'm too small
He's told me how wonderful I am even when I don't deserve it
He's given me a "Jesus with skin on" example

I love my life with you, Colt.  Happy Valentine's Day!

family pics before the belly

Back in September, we did some family pictures with Makenzie.  We knew I was pregnant (only 4 weeks) and we wanted to get in a little session with just Duke before the belly began growing.

Besides the fact that I was incredibly nauseous and Duke threw up immediately after we got back in the car, it was a successful shoot.  I'm pretty sure we all went home and ate chicken noodle soup. 

If you guys are in the OKC area and needing a quality, fun, great-with-kids photographer, Makenzie is your gal.  These family pictures will be such a treasure for us!  Facebook Page // Website

BFBN week: balancing marriage and parenthood & keeping the crazy to a minimum

It's Babywise Friendly Blog Network week!  All week, each of us will be sharing posts on the same topic and directing our readers to the different blogs in the network.  Here's the schedule for the week:

Monday:  Valerie from Chronicles of a Babywise Mom
Tuesday:  Maureen from Childwise Chat
Wednesday:  Claire from My Devising and Elaine from Faithfully Infertile
Thursday:  Emily from Journey of Parenthood
Friday:  Rachel from A Mother Far From Home

Today, the Babywise Network is featuring my post today as well as Elaine's post about keeping the crazy to a minimum.  She gives several practical tips for newborn moms to help the family establish order and consistency.  Elaine shares about how Babywise has worked for her family and why she loves it so much.  "Because every activity has its time and place, it is easier to keep priorities where they should be."  No, Babywise doesn't fix everything, but it does lay a good foundation so you can focus on keeping your marriage relationship in high rank of importance.  Read her entire post here!

There's this cute thing some of us do before we become parents:  We have theories and methods and ideas on exactly how we're going to parent because, naturally, it's going to be the best and most revolutionary way anyone has ever parented ever before.

Then we become parents and our world turns upside down and everything is different.  Parenthood is a tough thing to enter into.

But marriage?  That was easy!  Getting married was awesome and fun.  Like any other couple, Colt and I spent our first year figuring each other out.  We didn't live together before we were married, so we had to decide on things like how to put the toilet paper on the roll or what brand of bread we were going to buy or how we were going to decorate and share a space that looked uni-sex enough.  We spent nights arguing about dumb things and going to bed mad and then forgetting what we fought about.

Of course, we've come across much bigger disagreements and conflicts in the past four years than in our first year together.  But the hope with marriage is that you're dealing with another adult.  (Even if you're both not acting like adults.)  It's tough work to move past things.  But with two people who are willing, mature, and able to eventually admit their faults, it can be a functional and life-giving relationship.

Yes, marriage is hard work.  But becoming a parent is like no other work I've ever known.  In a battle of New Marriage vs. New Baby, New Baby wins. 

I used to think adding a baby into your life would be exactly that - just adding one in.  Just throw it into the mix!  But you can't really go on with life as usual - at least for a while.  Nursing, sleep-deprivation, dealing with severe acid reflux, napping schedules, introducing baby food, etc.  It felt like absolute chaos to me.  Getting used to taking care of a child is a pretty unique life transition.  For us, it was a much bigger transition than putting rings on our fingers.

And just when you think you've figured the new baby thing out, you remember something.  There's a guy over there that's helping me with stuff and I think I'm in love with him but I can't quite remember.  Wife can easily get consumed with all things baby and husband can easily get lost in the fog of it all.  Working on your marriage while doing the baby thing is tricky.

I love that Babywise discusses the balance of marriage and family in the very first chapter of the book.

"The husband-wife union is not just a good first step towards child-rearing.  It is a necessary one."  - Babywise

"When there is harmony in the marriage, there is an infused stability within the family.  A strong marriage provides a haven of security for children as they grow in the nurturing process.  Healthy, loving marriages create a sense of certainty for children."  - Babywise

(I don't think I need to clarify this, but I will just in case.  This isn't claiming that children are only secure when two parents are present.  The principles discussed in the book can be applied in all families.)

It's easy to say that your marriage comes first before you actually have kids.  It's harder to carry it out once a baby or toddler is begging for your attention.

In trying to keep our family life marriage-based first and kid-based second, this is what's worked for us:

1.  We talk to each other.  Communication is a must.  If we can't get a moment alone, we explain to Duke that mommy and daddy need to talk for a little bit - whether it's at the dinner table after Duke's finished eating or on the couch while he plays with his toys or after Duke's in bed.  We have to catch each other up on our days.  (And it's not like Duke nods his head delightfully and says, "Yes, mother.  I understand!"  Sometimes it's tricky to get him occupied with another activity, but it's important to us.)

2.  We hug, kiss, and show love to each other in front of Duke.  He needs to know that we aren't just two random people that are here on this earth only to be his parents.  We love that job and wouldn't trade it, but we also love each other and want our relationship as husband and wife to thrive.

3.  We get away.  We go on dates and we go on trips.  And we don't feel guilty about it.  Yes, it's hard and yes, sometimes I've cried, but it's so worth it.  Why?  I still feel like I know and understand Colt.  In fact, I feel like we're communicating better than we ever have.  Dealing with a little stress to get away is worth it.

Obviously, I don't have all the answers.  I've only been a wife for 5 years, mom for 2 years, and I've only got one child.  But for now, from where I stand, this is what keeps our family life balanced.

What works for you?

it's been 5 years

Last Thursday, Colt and I celebrated 5 years of marriage.

- I woke up to a precious note and beautiful flowers.  I got him a card and a guitar slide he'd been wanting.
- The 3 of us had lunch at Chick-fil-a.  (Duke loved his time on the slide.)

- We had a very normal night of eating leftovers and hanging out.

But Friday morning, Colt planned a little date since we were leaving for Stillwater later that morning.

(real hot chocolate ... mmm)

We ate breakfast at Kitchen 324 and it was absolutely fabulous.

Later, we went to the mall to spend a Forever 21 gift card I got for my birthday back in July.  Can we please discuss the fact that I didn't get stopped by one attractive clothing item until I made it to the back of the store?  Everything, and I mean everything, was black & white and covered by either a band name, a crazy graphic, or gold studs.  Colt kindly reminded me that it is called Forever 21.  But should 27 really look that drastically different?  I guess so.  I ended up buying a cute sweater that I really liked.  It was a well spent (and easily spent) $20.

Our anniversary celebration this year was nothing extravagant.  No big trip, no expensive steak dinner, no pricey gifts.  But it was just what I wanted.  Time together.  Time with the guy of my dreams and my best friend.

If I could've seen into the future 5 years ago while we stood on that stage, making promises to each other, I would've seen promises fulfilled.

a man who has supported me in some tough years of work

a man who was my untrained (but perfect) birthing coach and encouraged me through 20 hours of natural labor

a man who is a wonderful dad

a man who can hug me and instantly relieve me of pressures from the day

a man who loves me so much that he works very hard so I can stay home with Duke

a man who loves Duke so much that he lets me stay home with him

a man who I admire and love to brag on

a man who loved me through some incredibly painful moments of fear and anxiety

a man who is the very definition of home to me  

There isn't anyone else I'd rather be doing all of this life stuff with.  I love you, Colt.

frosty is a real jerk - guest post

I'm taking a blogging break for the next several days, so I thought I'd leave you with this guest post by the one and only Colt Westbrook.

--------------------

 

It’s the Christmas season, so I felt like we should be doing something to feel like we were “in the season.”  So, Claire suggested we watch the Frosty the Snowman DVD that we own.

I have never seen the movie so I was excited to see the film that caused all this “magic in the air.”  Just to be clear, I’m talking about the 1969 TV short, Frosty the Snowman.  The movie starts out with this bitter middle-aged, crummy magician doing failed magic for a class full of kids.  They’re not impressed because, well, he sucks.  So he gets mad, storms out, and loses his magic top hat.  Short story shorter, the magic hat ends up on the top of a snowman and makes the snow come alive into a snow human modeled after what sounds like to be a part-time, twice divorced, pilled-up, strip mall security guard.  

First thing out of his mouth is “Happy Birthday!” which the screenplay later never really explains.  I may have missed something - either way he sounds dumb.  He then juggles and kids are just SMITTEN.  You want a group of children’s full trust?  Juggle something.  Then he says, “Let’s have a parade!”  Why?  We have no floats ready, you just showed up, and now you’re making some heavy billed demands of the town.  Do you want a True Hollywood Story episode too, mister been-alive-for-a-half-hour?

It gets worse.  It begins to warm up and he starts to melt.  Obviously, he gets a little distraught over it and explains that when he melts, he dies.  The kids look at each other thinking “Well, I guess he’s our problem now...?”  

Enter Karen.

Karen has been in the group of kids the whole time but this is where she steps out into her casted role.  She tries to buy a train ticket to the north pole so Frosty the Freeloader Snowman can stay a snowman.  The bill comes out to be over $1000 (in 1969 dollars).  Frosty whines something like, “aww... I don’t have it.”  Of course you don’t, you’ve never worked a day in your life.  I can’t believe you didn’t say anything when the ticket master was totaling the price up; as if he would have read an amount that you could have paid!  YOU HAVE NO MONEY, BRO.  

What does a needy, dependant snowman do?  Train-hops.  He sneaks into a freezer car AND TAKES EIGHT YEAR OLD KAREN WITH HIM.  So, you have this snowman, who has done nothing for anyone and is now making demands of children to save his life, and an eight year old girl trapped in a long distance train ride together.  I hate him.  He’s wreckless, demanding, and has no cognitive knowledge of what he’s asking others to pay to make sure he’s taken care of.  

“Aww Karen, are you cold?” he asks the girl who’s shivering and blue in the face.  SHE’S HUMAN AND IN A FREEZER CAR.  YES, SHE’S CHILLY.  They jump the car for some reason and start walking.  It’s really cold wherever they are.  Karen can’t get warm and is going to die because of the thoughtless actions of Frosty the Idiot Snowdouche.  They run into some animals and he gets them to make a fire for Karen to get warm.  He says “I can’t make the fire, ‘cause you know why...”  His selfishness is expected at this point.  Anyway, Karen gets warm, Frosty dies and then Santa comes and brings him back to life and gives everyone a free ride home.

Frosty came into this world, juggled some stuff and threw a parade for himself.  He’s done nothing for anyone else, and then through his actions, says to everyone “Can you fix my problems for me?”  Hey Frosty, get a job, find friends your own age, and just contribute something.

“Happy Birthday!”

4 years of marriage

As of today, Colt and I have been married 4 years.

4 years ago, I walked down the aisle with more butterflies in my stomach than I'd ever felt before in my life.  (This is why dads walk their little girls down the aisle.  I'm pretty sure my dad practically carried me.)

 (We are finally married!)

3 years ago, we were barely moved into our first home as a couple.

 (Just a bunch of babies buying a house.)

2 years ago, our lives together felt settled and we were thinking about expanding our family.

(Showing off our awesome moves at Katie's wedding.)

1 year ago, we were just days away from becoming parents.

(Maternity pictures!)

Marriage is a wonderful thing.  I am so blessed to have Colt as my husband and best friend.