i don't wanna wait & how i learned to in 2018

I started the first sentence of this entry probably 7 times because I haven't blogged in one million days. But hey, hi, I'm here, and I'll just start typing away!

I started 2018 off with the word Wait. As I look back on the post I wrote about this word, it's amazing to see how the Lord used it this year. Here's a little snippet from that post:

"It can be hard for us to trust that even when we're upstairs crying for whatever we think we need or about whatever dream needs fulfilling or about whatever situation needs solving, God is downstairs working things out. It takes faith to wait while God does the doing. It takes faith to wait when you're not really even sure what exactly he is doing. It takes faith to wait when you feel like he's not doing anything. 

I don't love the word Wait because it seems too still and too inactive. And maybe that's exactly the point. Maybe God is wanting to pour some stillness into me, a person who loves to do, fix, and accomplish. What I'm sensing is that this year I need to remember that waiting is an option. And even a good option! Maybe I need to wait on God for answers before I hurry up with a YES. Maybe I need to wait on God to change something before I rush in to fix it myself. I don't know how it will play out or what it will mean, but the fact that it rubs me the wrong way just a little bit is a pretty good indication that I could use a little bit of waiting in my life."

In her Stress/Security talk a couple months ago, Suzanne Stabile said that Ones (my Enneagram number) need to ask themselves 3 questions before doing something:

1. What's it going to cost me if I do it?
2. What's it going to cost me if I don't do it?
3. What's it going to cost me if I wait?

What I learned this year is that choosing to wait simply out of principle and practice solved a lot of problems. Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine that waiting, being still, and not doing anything could actually be the best or the most productive thing I can do. By choosing to wait in several situations this year, conflicts resolved themselves in ways that I couldn't have planned for or even thought of. People changed their minds and decided on different things that I wouldn't have guessed. A lot of things just worked themselves out.

We tend to think of our choices as this or that. But really, there's a 3rd choice. There's a choice to wait, let things happen, and let God take care of it. I'm not suggesting that we stop being proactive and being problem solvers and accomplishing tasks, but I am suggesting that there is a balance. There's a time for all of it.

One of the biggest ways the word wait has played out is in the new part-time work I've recently started. In the beginning of 2018, I was feeling drained and exhausted, knowing I needed something to change but not knowing what that should be. I brainstormed what the fixes could be. More date nights? Get a babysitter one day a week? Start working outside of the home? Nothing felt right though. None of this was it.

Years ago, I remember being told that when you're confused about what's next or where the Lord is leading you, just go back to the last thing he told you. So I kept going back to my word for the year. Wait.

A few months into 2018, I began to notice a slight change as I became more involved volunteering at our church and working with other staff members on certain events and administrative things. There was a fulfillment and energy it gave me. It seemed that my previous feeling of being drained and exhausted was going away.

Fast forward to the summer. Through several situations, the Lord began to bring some things to the surface about what I believed about my gift of administration. I began believing it wasn't as important as the other gifts. It wasn't as spiritual. It wasn't as fun. People would rather be with someone who had any other gifting than this one. This one is structured and organized and rigid. People want chaos and mess, not order.

I spent a few weeks dialoging with the Lord about all of this. I realized that even though I wasn't fully aware I was believing all of those things, I was still living from that place. And because I was living out of this place, there was a feeling in me that I needed to prove myself, prove the importance of administration, prove the benefit of order.

It was in that time that Lord led to me this story in Acts 6. It starts out with, "But as the believers rapidly multiplied, there were rumblings of discontent." There were issues in the administering of a food program. The apostles recognized their attention needed to be on preaching and teaching, not on fixing these problems. So they found other men to take this on. Not just men who were organized and good at this sort of thing, but men who were also "well respected and full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom." As a result, not only were these men as well as the apostles released and available to act in their gifting, but "God's message was preached in ever-widening circles. The numbers of believers greatly increased ..."

After a while, those lies I had believed were replaced with truth and I really did believe them. I noticed a settling in my spirit and in my person about this. I didn't feel like I was proving anymore. There was a simple joy and calm confidence in acting in my gift of administration. Through the Lord's affirmation, I believed it was good, necessary, powerful, valuable, and spiritual.

In the fall, a couple of months after this new revelation and perspective, I was offered a part-time administrative-type position at my church. I was absolutely delighted and floored. It's not at all what I was looking for at the beginning of the year, but when it came my way this winter, it made all the sense in the world. It was exactly what the Lord had been leading me closer to. I couldn't believe what a good and perfect gift it was. That achy longing I had at the beginning of the year for something was placed in me for a reason. And this job was the Lord's answer to it.

I say it every year, but if you don't already do this, ask the Lord for a word for this year. It's really been a sweet part of my journey these last several years. (And I plan on looking at and recapping the last 5-6 years in a blog post at some point. So stay tuned for that!)

I'm so thankful I waited the whole year and that I didn't work with my hands to fix that longing as fast as possible. I'm thankful that the Lord speaks to us and gives us things to hold onto even when we don't know why we're holding on to it.

expanding in 2017: a search for identity

Watching The Lion King as an adult requires a few million more tissues than I needed when watching it as a child. The kids and I put it on one morning this past summer while Veda napped. The stampede scene got me as usual. But I didn't really fall apart until this moment later on in the movie:

Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.
Simba; No! How could I?
Mufasa: You have forgotten who you are and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become ...
Simba: ... How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son.

The Lord has been doing a work in me this past year surrounding the concept of identity. I have sensed it weaving through so many parts of my life.

It all started back in January when I read "The Road Back to You," an introductory book about the Enneagram. I wrote a post about the discovery of my One-ness here. It really blew my mind. I'd never encountered a personality assessment that was so spot on and so specific, yet so fluid. I love that it dives deep to uncover your motivations rather than staying on the surface to describe behavior. It's an extremely unique system because of the way it shows how personality types move to different areas in stress or security, the way a certain subtype or wing can flavor your personality, whether or not we take life in at the body, heart, or mind ... and I could go on.

Ultimately, the Enneagram is not about figuring out our numbers and planting our feet there. It's about figuring out what mask, or number, we've been wearing our entire lives and discovering how to uncover our true selves underneath it. It all truly fascinated me and I jumped right in to all things Enneagram.

I began to see things in myself I'd never known weren't "okay" or "normal." I recognized the critical voice I had in my head. I saw the desire in me to be good, to be liked, and to always be blameless. I saw how I prioritize doing the right thing, following the rules, and working hard and how sometimes, that prioritization can be a detriment to me or the people around me. I realized that the high expectations that I pressure myself with were also expectations I (many times unknowingly) held over others.

Fast forward a few months. From the time I had Veda in March and the months following, I experienced some disconnect. I felt lonely in a left-out-middle-school-girl kind of way. It wasn't a depression or an anxiety. It was something else. There were concrete events or situations that could have been blamed for my feelings, but none of these things were actually the root cause. Because of the helpful tool that the Enneagram was, I saw the way I was channeling a lot of the unhealthy side of a Four. I knew I needed to move through my feelings and get to the real issue at the bottom of all of it.

What I began to see is that my feelings were not a result of any particular circumstance. It was that my identity was not secure. I had put the weight of my identity in certain things, and when those things were taken or changed, I crumbled.

I started to desire a new revelation of God's love to me. Of being his daughter. It's one of those ideas I'd heard all my life, but it didn't do anything to me. And I knew that it should. I wanted to understand how and why it defines me and I wanted to know and feel what it means.

Towards the end of May, our pastor, AT, spoke on this very thing and it really resonated with me. In this sermon, he talked about how there is a difference between godly sorrow and guilt.

2 Cor. 7:10 "For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There's no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death."

AT went on to talk about guilt. Guilt makes obedience become compliance instead of obedience out of love. Guilt focuses on ourselves, seeking to be right and good. Guilt prevents love and intimacy. Guilt grows fear and hiddenness. Guilt prevents spiritual and emotional growth.

Yes. Obedience did feel like compliance. I did want to be right and good. I did feel a block in my relationship with the Lord.

Then he said, "You cannot outperform the guilt or inner critic in you. You have to love it out." 

I was not allowing the Lord to love me perfectly. I was wanting to work and earn my way out of my own guilt.

(I want to interject here and explain what I mean by "guilt." Because we all see and react to the world differently, there are some of us that are more acquainted with guilt than others. Guilt for me looks like ending the day and thinking about how I wasn't as good of a mom as I should have been. It can mean reviewing all of my faults - got too upset with the kids today, yelled, lost my temper, wasn't attentive, was argumentative with Colt. It can mean feeling bad for not getting enough done. It can mean getting in a mode of comparison and thinking of all of the ways I don't measure up. I just wanted to spell some of that out because sometimes when we think of the word "guilt," we forget that it's not always huge crime-like acts that cause it. Guilt can creep its way into us in small ways and on a daily basis without even realizing it.)

Guilt was blocking me from knowing my identity.

Fast forward to book club in July. We decided to read Jennie Allen's "Nothing to Prove." In chapter 2, she talks about how God is not after our performance. This is another thing I'd heard a lot, mostly in my adulthood. But that whole idea felt stale to me. What does that mean? I wrote in my journal, "If I don't have my performance, then what do I even have?" 

Gulp.

Performance was blocking me from knowing my identity.

There was some work to be done in me. In order for me to hear the Lord and process my thoughts, my hands usually have to be either writing words or playing the piano. So that's what I did.

What I decided is that it wasn't about trying to believe that my performance doesn't matter or working to not to feel guilty. It was about understanding how loved I was by God and receiving it. Right then. That's where I had to start. And in that love, there is no room for any of that other stuff. Being unconditionally and perfectly loved is the path to knowing my identity.

Once the fall rolled around, we began a Bible study at church and, as the Lord would have it, it was all about identity. What I walked away with was a better understanding of the choice that was in front of me. I can either walk in the Spirit or walk in the flesh. I can either walk in the new covenant with Jesus or walk in the old covenant of law and works. I can either walk ruled by love or walk ruled by fear. I can either walk as the righteousness of Christ or in my own self-righteousness. I have the choice to either put my anchor in my human identity or in my identity in Christ. And what I choose affects everything.

There was once a time in Simba's life when he knew his position in his father's kingdom, and he was excited about it. But all of that changed when he began to believe a lie. Scar planted a belief in his mind that he was to blame (there's that guilt again) for his father's death and that he should run away and never return. Everything shifted in Simba. His identity was no longer found in the fact that he was the son of Mufasa. It was found in what he did (there's that performance again). In his mistake.

We all crave a place to give us identity. It's deep in there, and we can walk around eating bugs and singing Hakuna Matata all that we want, but that will leave us feeling empty. Nothing is cured until we know where we belong. Simba was running away from the very thing that gave him his purpose. He was running away from being Mufasa's son, from being King. His position and purpose in life was found in that fact, so in refusing his Father, he refused knowing his true identity and worth.

We can find things to do and jobs to have and titles to hold. We can be celebrated and loved and held in high esteem. We can acheive things and work hard and get raises. But we will keep needing and wanting more until we realize that none of that defines us. None of that actually fills us to the point of needing nothing else. There are a lot of wonderful things in this world that God has given us, but nothing is as good as a relationship with him. Nothing can fulfill the craving we have for identity and belonging except for our position as loved children of God. Nothing else can so clearly define our purpose, give us energy, spur us on, and provide power and rest like knowing we are children of God. Simba on his own held no power, but Simba as a son of the King held all the power.

Self-care is a big deal these days. And the best self-care you can give yourself is to discover your identity in Christ. To discover that you are perfectly loved all of the time. To discover that you are not the things you do. To discover that your mistakes do not define you. To discover that you are offered grace at every single turn. To discover that you are not and will not ever be abandoned. To discover that you are an adopted child of God. It is only in that revelation that we are able to then turn outward to the people around us and offer love, grace, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. This is a picture of Jesus. This is the manifestation of Heaven here on Earth. This is how we change the world.

My word for 2017 was "Expand." And just as I had assumed, it wasn't only about expanding our family or our home. It was about expanding my understanding of who I am in Christ. There is still a lot to figure out and there always will be, but I'm so thankful for what God has revealed to me this year about myself through the people around me, my pastor, my Bible study teacher, and the Enneagram. My motivations, my emotions, the way I think, the way I take in the world around me, the automatic reactions I have to my surroundings, my inner critic, my identity - all of the knowledge I've gained about those things has been life changing.

I've been praying and thinking on my word for 2018. On the morning of the 31st, I felt the Lord highlight the word Wait. I took note, but went on with my morning as usual. It wasn't but maybe an hour later, I was in the kitchen making a bottle for Veda. She was up for the day, fussing in her crib, and ready to eat. I had the thought, If she only knew I was down here getting her bottle ready, she wouldn't be crying. She would be fine waiting.

Right after that thought passed through my mind, I realized that Wait was most certainly the word.

It can be hard for us to trust that even when we're upstairs crying for whatever we think we need or about whatever dream needs fulfilling or about whatever situation needs solving, God is downstairs working things out. It takes faith to wait while God does the doing. It takes faith to wait when you're not really even sure what exactly he is doing. It takes faith to wait when you feel like he's not doing anything.

I don't love the word Wait because it seems too still and too inactive. And maybe that's exactly the point. Maybe God is wanting to pour some stillness into me, a person who loves to do, fix, and accomplish. What I'm sensing is that this year I need to remember that waiting is an option. And even a good option! Maybe I need to wait on God for answers before I hurry up with a YES. Maybe I need to wait on God to change something before I rush in to fix it myself. I don't know how it will play out or what it will mean, but the fact that it rubs me the wrong way just a little bit is a pretty good indication that I could use a little bit of waiting in my life.

So, 2018, I wait. I look forward to seeing what God will do.

looking back on grace, looking forward to expand

I just re-read my post from last year about grace, which was my word for 2016. It was an interesting read because I had forgotten how I felt coming into this past year. I can't really put my finger on it or give some life-changing revelatory moment that shifted my thinking, but I do know that things have changed. That doesn't mean I've mastered this art, of course. Giving myself grace and allowing myself room to make mistakes or change plans will always be a challenge of mine. (After all, I'm a 1 on the Enneagram. It will be a lifelong mission.) But I do know that God has worked in me this past year and I'm thankful to be in a new place.

As I enter into 2017, there's more of a comfort in knowing I can't do it all or be it all. God has never asked me to. And no one else has either. It doesn't feel like "giving up" anymore to pick what's important to me, do it, and then say goodbye to the rest. (Jen Hatmaker's chapter in "For the Love" about picking what's on your beam was really helpful and encouraging to me if you happen to find yourself stuck in that conundrum.) Ultimately, the choice in 2016 was to decide what I would believe. Would I believe what the world says - that having it all is really important? Would I believe the perfectionist or inner critic that can lurk inside of me? Or would I believe what God says about me, my life, my gifts, and my purpose? I must've opted for the latter more often than not because I felt lighter leaving 2016.

When I look back on the year, I think of two specific seasons when I reacted in a typically "out of character" way for me, proving that God was doing things in me and shifting my mindset.

First, I think about how releasing an EP with my band, Mopak, was a set plan for this past year. It was on the horizon with a very clear path leading up to it. These songs had been birthed in me during the recent years and I felt like they were ready to share. I was so excited to tell this story. As a band, we were writing, practicing a handful of times each month, and even playing places. (I know, a band playing gigs! It's revolutionary! But it actually was for us.) Everything was going as planned. Until it wasn't. We kept having to push our recording date back, the songs weren't completely ready, things were feeling rushed, and, to top it all off, our Kickstarter didn't get funded. Things stopped falling into place and it just didn't feel right to shove them there. Aside from all of that, our bassist was awaiting the arrival of baby #4 and I had just gotten pregnant with baby #3. It was obviously time for another shift from band mode to baby mode.

It wasn't a devastating time, but I was pretty sad to put that project on the back burner. However, it surprisingly took me less time to get over this disappointment than I would've imagined. Typically, my response would've been to sulk for weeks, contemplate the meaning of my life, doubt my skills, question my ability to do what I say I'm going to do, and internally punish myself for not meeting my very desired goal. But I knew deep down that if and when the Lord wanted this music to be finished, he would make it happen. Thanks to God, Colt, and my people, I was able to move on pretty quickly from this let down.

I hadn't revisited any of these thoughts or emotions until our pastor said something a few Sundays ago. He was listing off different life circumstances or feelings that might resonate with us. I sat at the piano feeling disconnected from all of them. Until he got to the last one. "I feel like I need to remind some people in the room that a dream delayed is not a dream destroyed." My eyes immediately filled with tears as I thought about this delayed musical dream. On the one hand, I'm living out the dream of having a third baby. But I am still holding this project in my other hand. There's a tension that exists in holding both and waiting. Yet, what a sweet reminder that this dream has not been destroyed. Who knows all of God's reasons for delaying it, but I trust he has some good ones.

So as I moved out of this season with the band, I moved straight into the first trimester of this pregnancy, my second example of when grace just had to win. I was an exhausted mom of two living with constant nausea, aversions, cravings, and intense emotions. Needless to say, a lot of things fell by the wayside. A bin of clean laundry to fold resided in our living room as if it were a piece of furniture. Many days, dishes were in the sink when Colt came home from work, which is not how I typically operate. We spent more money on going out to eat than we ever do. To-do lists were made and items weren't crossed off. I felt like I was a zombie going through life most days. And while I didn't do everything right in that season of life, I will say that I really did my best to not beat myself up about my lack of energy and accomplishments. I jumped into grace and made a nice little home there while my body was forming this new little baby. As someone who values hard work (sometimes a little too much), I am grateful for the reminder that my worth is not determined by the amount of household tasks I get done in a day. That's a hard one to remember as a stay-at-home mom.

2016 was a great year and I'm glad I got a bit closer to understanding what it looks like to live under the umbrella of grace instead of expectations, goals, and plans.

I have been thinking and praying about what my word would be for 2017 and I feel like the Lord gave me the word Expand. I type this word as my arms curl around the expanding belly in front of me. It's obvious that I'm expanding, but I think my belly is just one of the many ways I will experience expansion in the coming year.

My heart is expanding as it stretches and loves a new member of our family. Our family number count is expanding. Our home is expanding to squeeze 5 people in it. My capacity will expand to handle and manage three children each day instead of two. My perspective and mind will expand as dreams and hopes may look differently than planned or require a different timeline. And I have no doubt that the Lord has some ideas of his own around the idea of expansion. I am always a work in progress, figuring out what parts of me to hold on to and what parts of me to let go of, change, and allow the Lord to work on.

I am looking forward to an exciting year that will certainly be full of challenges and adjustment, but will also be rewarding and full of growth.

opting out of resolutions, opting in for grace

Resolutions for this year?  Well, it's really the weirdest thing.  We turned the corner from December to January and it felt like a balloon deflated in me.  Not depression or sadness or anything like that.  More like exhaustion – plain life exhaustion.  An if I really want to live life the way I think I should and could and am called to then I need way more energy than this exhaustion.  So for this year, there are no resolutions.  (Gasp!)

Let me explain.

Best case scenario is that I'm an active, healthy, ministry-minded woman who is a loving wife, caring mother, loyal friend, attentive housekeeper, prepared meal planner, consistent blogger, and focused musician.  Sounds dreamy because that's what it is – a dream.  The truth is that I cannot be all of that simultaneously.  I'll skip days of exercise.  I'll tell the family we're going out to eat.  I'll lose my temper with the kids.  I'll take longer on a music project than I had planned.  I'll say something rude to Colt.  I'll push blogging aside because my mind is tired.  I'll let the laundry get out of hand.  I want so badly to do it all and to do it well.  But the kind of pressure I would have to live under to achieve all of those things to their fullest each day would require a non-human quality in me that I just don't possess.  None of us do.  There is an ebb and flow in all of these roles, jobs, and hobbies and I must accept that reality.

As I've reflected on this upcoming year, I've decided that what I need most is grace.  For 2016, I'm opting out of resolutions and opting in for grace.  (This doesn't mean you can't have resolutions and also be filled with grace.  Saying that for the sake of the easily offended internet.)

The past several months in church, an old song has made its way into the set list several times.  But a few Sundays ago, one line of lyrics was highlighted for me.  Out of nowhere, words so simple and old and familiar to my heart became like a sword.

And we can feel the love of God in this place
We believe your goodness
We receive your grace

We receive your grace.

I began to ask myself, do I really receive his grace? 

I've discovered that when I hear grace, I hear the wrong thing.  I hear, "Hey Claire, here's a cop out for all of those things you feel like you need to do and be.  Just take the grace and chill out!  No to-do lists and no stress!"  When I think of grace like that, it takes away the joy I find in chasing after what I love to do and who I want to be.  I certainly don't want to end 2016 filled with so much "grace" that I accomplished nothing, added on an extra 10 lbs., and slept too much.

But something tells me that's not quite what the Lord had in mind.

There's a difference between the grace I manufacture for myself and the grace that the Lord gives.

The grace I give myself sounds lazy and uninspiring.  It sounds like giving up.  But the grace that God offers says, "Claire, I just want you to know that I'm proud of you and I love you no matter what you get done today.  I love who you are and I love what you're chasing after.  Just remember your purpose in all of it – to know me and make me known.  Keep that in mind and you'll succeed every time."

Someone that loves and accepts me 100% even when I don't deserve it?  Why would I not say yes to that?  What keeps me from accepting grace in my life?

Pride.

Much like a child, my attitude towards God sometimes is "I do it!  I do it!"  Grace is hard for those of us who kind of sometimes a little bit think that they don't need it.  Although I feel like the Lord has lovingly educated me in that area, I still find myself feeling frustrated that I need grace.  I don't want you to have to cut me slack, God, because then that means I'm not capable.

(crickets)

Um, guess what, self?  I'm NOT capable.  I need all the slack there is!  When I decided to become a follower of God, I admitted my sin, recognized my shortcomings, and said a big YES to forgiveness, grace, and love I don't deserve.  It has nothing to do with my good deeds, my effort, or how many things I get checked off my list.  When I drop my pride, I can see my need for grace.

Personality.

"I put pressure on myself, that's just what I do." 
"That's the way I am and I can't change."
"I don't like to have to depend on anyone other than myself."

If we have given our lives to Christ, none of these excuses work anymore.  It's not a personality thing to not be okay with grace.  It's not okay to be perfectionists.  It's not okay for us to walk around with these self-made weights on our shoulders.  This is not how God meant for me to live and it's not how God meant for you to live.  We are not programmed to bear the burden of our sin or our to-do lists, and when we do, things usually get messy.  Choosing grace even when our natural personalities and instincts scream otherwise looks like, "God, thank you for making me someone who is independent and who loves to get things done.  But I recognize that I can't do it alone and I need your help.  I see that I hold on to too much.  Teach me how to give things over to you.  Teach me how to be dependent on you.  I want to be who you've made me to be and I want to live in the grace that you give me."

Guilt.

Satan's specialty.  If he can make us feel guilty for everything we're not doing right or not doing at all, then we get stuck.  In motherhood, we like to call this Mom Guilt.  And you know what, this is the year I kick Mom Guilt to the curb.  Mom Guilt is exhausting, unnecessary, and just a pack of lies.  We can't experience the freedom that Christ offers when we're bogged down by guilt.  We get so wrapped up in our failures that we start to believe there's no grace left for us.  What would it look like if I chose to accept my humanity and say yes to the grace of God in my life?

Dishes in the sink that I just couldn't get to - guilt grace.
A 4 year old who can't identify all of his letters because I haven't made a consistent effort - guilt grace.
Kale smoothies that have never been made or given to my children - guilt grace.
A recording date that continues to get pushed back - guilt grace.
Kids that have never had a picture taken with Santa - guilt grace. 
Photos on my hard drive of my kids that have yet to be organized - guilt grace.
Workouts that sometimes only happen once a week instead of five times - guilt grace.
Not sending Duke to the 3/4 year old preschool program but choosing to keep him in Kid's Day Out because it worked better for our schedules - guilt grace.
Frozen pizzas because can I just finally not cook for once? - guilt grace.

Those are small things, but they add up quickly.  If I condition my heart to believe that I should feel unnecessary guilt, I am isolating myself from grace.  If I truly lived in the grace that God is ready and willing to pour out on me, I would find myself feeling an abundance of freedom and love.

When pride, a piece of my personality, or guilt comes up against grace, I have a choice to make.  I can either believe a lie or I can ask the one who will never lie to me, "What do you think about this?  What do you say about me?  What is the truth?"  I wonder what would happen if I began approaching life that way.  That is the task at hand for 2016.

I cannot encompass the perfect version of me that I aspire to be.  And the closest I will ever come is when I allow God's love and grace to soak into my heart.  Feel free to remind me of grace when I get all I-can-do-all-things-through-me-who-strengthens-me.  2016, here we go.

looking back on 2015

HIGHLIGHTS

I ended 2015 as a 29 year old woman, a wife that is more happily than ever married to Colt, and a mom with two precious kids, 4 and 1.5 years old.  We love our home and the Lord has provided everything we've needed.  We are surrounded by close family, precious friends, an unbelievably wonderful church, and a loving community group.  2015 has been a good year.  Here are some highlights:

We met up with the Watsons in California for vacation.
We swapped our dining room and music room.
I wrapped up the Nursing Nova blog series (along with my emotions and misplaced frustrations).
Nova finally got tubes and, while there were a few infections that followed, the tubes have saved our lives and our sanity.
I pooped my way through ran the relay in the OKC Memorial Marathon.
Colt added on the side gig of becoming the youth pastor at our church.
We went to Maui with my family.
After a 4 year process, we released our first EP as Mopak and played a really fun release show. (Listen to the EP on Spotify!)
I got better at saying no.
I got to write once for Gospel Centered Discipleship and once for For Every Mom.
I had my first commission to write a lullaby for a long time friend's baby girl.
We said goodbye to Colt's sweet Nana who lived such a God-honoring life.
Colt and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary.
I cut my hair off.
We paid off Colt's student loans.
We started working on a set of my songs for our next EP.
I went to the movies for the first time in 3.5 years.

BLOGGING

In 2015, I wrote 79 blog posts.  That number is considerably smaller than previous years, but I'm okay with that.  These were some of my most-read and/or personal favorite posts:

i went to the movies
icky feelings
the 7 year itch
dear first time mom
areas to examine when overcoming anxiety
a summary of nova's first year
waiting for the storm to pass
life still happens when you aren't nursing
you are worth the celebration
the evidence of motherhood
build courage by embracing suffering
how nova slept through the night

RESOLUTIONS

These were my resolutions for 2015:

wear my retainer at night more often
Hit and miss on this.  I wore it more, yes, but not as much as I'd hoped.

have both bathrooms semi-updated
We didn't do much to our master bath this year except for add a new rug and organize the shelves.  But in our guest bath, we painted the wood trim white, painted the walls grey, got new rugs, got a new shower curtain, and added a cute photo of the kids on the wall.

finish writing my album
Yes!  All songs are written with a few tweaks left.  Currently, we've got 2 of the 6 figured out as a band.  Practices are scheduled each month and hopefully we'll head into the studio in the next few months.

spend some kind of time with God consistently
This happened much more.  When I wrote this goal, I thought that I'd either land on doing it before kids wake up or after they go to bed.  What I ended up deciding is that spending time with the Lord in the morning is the best - but not necessarily before they wake up.  Most of the time, when I get up before the kids, there is some kind of silent alarm that goes off in their rooms, telling them that they should also get up.  It's weird.  I get up before them, they wake up early.  I get up with them, we all get up at 8-8:30.  It became more of a stress and frustration trying to get up early and beat the clock.  What works best for me right now is getting the kids fed, cleaned up, and down to play.  After that, I sit down at the table with my breakfast, journal, and bible/bible study/devotional.  It's a noisy, interrupted time, but it's also special because my kids see me do it.  For now and in this season, it works best like this.

MY WORD

My word for 2015 was surrender. 

In Life.  I saw surrender play out in saying no.  I talked about that in this post.  I learned that saying no is good and necessary.  Maybe the most important part, though, is realizing that I don't have to feel guilty for saying no.  For my sanity, my emotional limit, and the health of my family, I have to say no to the things that bog us down, busy us up, and make us crazy.  That took surrender – surrendering a "yes," surrendering the outcome of saying no, and maybe even surrendering a desire that just didn't fit in this season.

In Marriage.  I can certainly say that there is more of an ease to our marriage as we enter into this year as compared to last year.  I can feel the growth and the change.  More surrender, more giving in, more apologizing, more serving, more giving up of what we want for the sake of the other.  I am married to a great man who is a leader in all of these things so I consider myself very blessed.

In Friendships.  I saw the fruit of surrender here.  I saw what happens when you give of yourself, your time, and your resources.  We're all bound to be at rock bottom at some point.  I've had my moments and the way my friends rushed in during those times will never be forgotten.  I got to be on the other end of that many times this year and it was so rewarding.  It's a privilege to walk alongside people in their burdens.  It's just what Jesus wants us to do and when we do it, it is incredibly fulfilling.  Yes, you have to give things up to do it, but the return is so much greater.

In Motherhood.  I've discovered that I feel the most frustrated, alone, exhausted, fed up, and numb on days that I'm doing too much, expecting too much, or only focusing on myself.  Of course, all of those emotions are normal to feel as a mom, but what I do and how I react because of those emotions is where I mess up a lot of times.  I usually have the wrong response.  Occasionally, very occasionally, I can look inside of myself, find the deeper issue, and make a change.  On those days, I win.  I find the piece of me that needs to surrender.  For example, a few days ago I was having one of those days.  I was so done with all of it.  One more making of a lunch was going to kill me.  One more "Can you say that to me in a different way?" was going to make me pop.  But the next day?  I was fine.  It was easier.  I liked my kids more.  The difference?  I surrendered some of my time to make sure I spent time with God and I surrendered thoughts of what I wished I was doing or what I felt like every other person was doing and focused on what I was actually doing.  When we hand things over and give things up that aren't meant to be held in our brains and hearts, life works better.

I love picking a word at the beginning of each year because it gives me something to focus on.  I saw this word on my wall every day.  Some days, I put it into action.  Some days, I didn't.  But I'm so thankful for the days I did and for the constant reminder of how important surrender is in so many different areas of my life.

surrender in 2015

(One Word Art created by Taylor from Brave Little Taylor)

Several months ago, I was marveling at a mom of 4.  I told her she always seemed so full of grace and patience, and acted so calmly.  She said thank you and assured me that her household and her attitude could definitely be a mess at times.  But she also added, "I have just learned to stop fighting so much."  She went on about a sort of giving in to motherhood that has had to occur.

Although I had recognized the giving in part of motherhood, I don't think I had really considered the stop fighting part.  This doesn't mean we stop fighting for our identity or our marriage or our dreams, but that we stop fighting for our "rights" that simply don't match up with our season.  Days where I'm constantly wiping noses, folding laundry, declaring time-outs, holding a baby who just wants to be held, preparing dinner, reading books, and feeding bottles are normal days.  Anything I do beyond all of that is extra fluff.  (However, I do try to feed myself and brush my teeth at some point in the day.)  My free time is mostly spent on housekeeping and there is a small percentage of time that I get to spend on things like blogging, reading, and songwriting.  If I expect to have a perfectly clean house and time to sit around on my phone, paint my nails, take a relaxing bath, and run errands at my leisure, then I'm really setting myself up for failure.  The reality of my season is that I am serving, teaching, loving, and protecting my children. 

I read Restless towards the end of 2014 and it couldn't have been more perfectly timed.  One specific night of reading really sticks out.  There was a chapter that focused on surrendering.  As I was reading, I felt the slightest bit of anxiety rise up within me.  (Now that I've learned how to manage my anxiety, I've learned that a lot of times, God actually uses those anxious feelings to stir me and get me listening.  It's his own unique nudge to me.)  As I finished the chapter, I prayed and told God I wanted to give it up and let go.  (There were still pieces of doubt and uncertainty I was carrying with me because of my experience nursing Nova.)  I told God, "Tell me what to do and I'll do it."

After this prayer, with my eyes still closed, I immediately saw a slightly opened door with light shining through the cracks on the sides and bottom of the door frame.  I saw this image as clear as I see my fingers typing right now.  Then I sensed God was saying, "This is the way and my door is open.  You have unlocked it with your surrender.  Come see what awaits you."  It all happened so fast, just one thing after another.  That was the first time in a long time that God had been so clear to me.

We recently got back from a wonderful trip to California.  We met up with the Watsons and had such a great time.  Although I love laughing with them, watching our kids play together, re-living old college stories, and eating good food, the best (and, certainly, most necessary) part of being together is always the refining that happens in our marriages.  Having friends that can tell you what's up in a loving way or ask you pointed questions is invaluable.  While talking with just Mirela, she brought up the idea of surrendering.  Okay, God, I get it.  I knew in my heart that Surrender was my word for the year but after this I really knew.

Surrender is quite possibly the most cliche "word for the year" I could have chosen.  I brainstormed for a while, trying my best to find a synonym that was at least a little cooler sounding.  I thought about the word Yield.  That seemed a little sweeter, a little less intense, and a bit lighter of a commitment.  But Surrender was the word and there was no getting around it.

"God does great things with surrendered people.  And surrender happens every day in one thousand small moments." Restless

Back in 2012, there was some real surrender going on when I worked through my anxiety.  But when Nova came, I yanked a bunch of it back.  Surrender happens every day.  Unfortunately we don't get to surrender it all one time and be done.  We are living in a constant state of surrender.  The thing we're trying to surrender may be different, but there is always surrender of some sort.

I can say that there is certainly more space for surrender in my life as a mother, a wife, and a follower of God.  What does it practically look like for me?  It's giving in to my role as a mom of littles.  It's giving up the focus on my rights in marriage and focusing on what I can do better.  It's trusting God with all of the people I love in my life.  It's believing that God has my good in mind and his plan for my life is better than anything I do apart from him.  I am learning every day - surrendering and fighting back all at the same time.  It's a 2 steps forward and 1 step back kind of thing, but if it gets me closer to the person of Christ, then it is worth it.

What is your word for 2015?

build courage by embracing suffering

"I believe in miracles and I want the courage to always ask for them.  I'm going to be more open to risk.  I'm going to listen more to what I think the Spirit is saying."

I wrote those words in my journal at the beginning of last year.  I decided my word for 2014 would be courage.

Asking for miracles is a gutsy thing.  You have to be prepared for the outcome.  Many of us don't ask for miracles - not because we're afraid the miracle won't happen, but because we're afraid of the questions we'll have to face if it doesn't.  What if God doesn't come through?  What does that say about him?  And what do I believe about him?  Is he still good?  Sometimes asking for miracles forces us to get to know ourselves a little better, and it's not always a pretty thing.

It's dangerous to pray for healing and plead for circumstances to be changed.  By doing so, you put yourself out there, become vulnerable, and give up control.  Many of us know this feeling.  We've felt it in relationships with people.  If I say I love her, what will happen?  What if she doesn't say it back?  What will I do?  What will that mean for us?  Sometimes that doubt is enough to freeze us, to stop us from doing what we really want to do.

But in 2014, I tried to fight that doubt.  I prayed for miracles and I saw some.  A precious friend finally had a baby after a long time of trying.  Colt got a dream job.  Many people at our church with physical ailments were healed through prayer.  Things that seemed impossible were suddenly a reality.  My heart was so thankful.

That's the happy and easy side of miracles.

The other side is the let-down you feel after praying for something and not getting it.  I trusted that when I prayed, asked for things, and begged for change, God listened.  And the scariest part - I believed that God would deliver the miracles.  I believed God would bring Nova to me every day for 2 weeks before she came.  I believed God would finally get me from a 9 to a 10 so that I could push that sweet baby out without an epidural.  I believed God would heal whatever issue was going on with our nursing situation.  None of those things happened.

But that's the risk we take.  We can't only be on Team God when life is looking bright and perfect.

Asking God for things and then not getting them is hard.  Because it deals with God, it hurts way more than just asking a parent or friend or spouse for something and not getting it.  God, you're supposed to be good.  You're supposed to be sovereign.  You're supposed to love me.  Why aren't you giving me these truly good things that I so desperately want?

As I was reading through some of my written journal entries to reflect on the year, I came across these notes from a sermon last January.  "Take courageous action - embrace suffering."

Looking back, I believe that dealing with and (eventually) embracing the suffering and disappointment I experienced with Nova's birth and nursing journey was the courage I was supposed to learn.  It's the kind of courage that doesn't feel awesome.  It doesn't look cool or seem brave.  But sometimes the most courageous person you can be is a person who takes in a situation fully, deals with it, asks hard questions, seeks wisdom, and, ultimately, comes out on the other side.  The other side could be some victorious mountain and the feeling of conquering.  Or the other side could be a quiet hill with not much to show for your work, yet you know in your soul that you fought til the death to find the good in the situation and hang on to God as best as you could even when you were filled with doubt.  Sometimes hanging on to that mustard seed of faith is all we can do.  That is courage.

To be courageous means something different for all of us.   For some, you sense that you need to be courageous in a relationship - a next step needs to be pursued or a truthful word needs to be said.  For some, you have been pushing your dreams aside, but now is the time to be courageous and chase after them.  For some, just getting out of bed every day and choosing to live life is unbelievably courageous.

Or maybe some of you relate to me.  Maybe embracing the suffering in your life and hanging onto your faith by one little single thread is the most courageous act you can muster up. 

So what does it mean to "embrace suffering"?  To me, it means:

1.  You trust that there's a bigger picture than where you're at right now.  You trust that you can't possibly stay where you are forever.  It's just not possible.  You maybe don't feel that truth, but you know it.

2.  You trust God in the midst of it.  You talk to him, you listen to him, and you include him.  You behave like you have a God who is interested in your life (because that's the truth).  You trust he will be all of the things you need and he will give you all of the things you need.  You trust him with your life, believing that he will work things together for your good.

3.  You fight to continue being the person that God has created you to be even while you're struggling.  You don't get lazy and take a break from who you were pushing to be just because things just got really hard.  You stay focused, knowing that God will restore the things about you that seem to have suddenly become unstable. 

This is all hard stuff to do, and it's only in reflecting on what I did (and also what I didn't do in some instances) that I realize these are the things that will benefit me as I deal with my sufferings and my relationship with God simultaneously.

I love picking a word for the new year.  You choose it not knowing what it will mean for you but trusting that it will mean something.  If you haven't ever done it, you should give it a shot.  I'm in the process of writing about my word for this year, and I look forward to sharing it in the next week or so.

Did any of you choose a word for last year?  How was it significant in 2014?  What is your word for 2015?

courage in 2014

After giving you a fairly detailed documentation of how my word for 2013, Adventure, played out this past year, it seems a bit anti-climactic to end up with a similar word for this year.

I tried to avoid it actually.  I told God, "That's actually kind of boring.  I just did the whole Adventure/Bravery thing.  And now Courage?  Isn't this all the same?"

And, yes, it kind of is.

I was hoping for a word that would stir more curiosity.  A word that would make me say, "What in the world is going to happen this year?!"  This felt more like, "Great.  I get to learn how to not be anxious again, not be fearful again, and not be a worrier."  But this was my word and there was no changing it.

On the first Sunday of the month, John Riner said, "Faith chooses courage over cowardice."  When he said the word "courage," my ears perked up a bit.  (That's when the denial began.)  But as I took time to listen that Sunday, the word wouldn't go away.  I began jotting down some thoughts on this next year and I wrote, "I believe in God for the courage to continue living in and trusting in his goodness no matter what.  I believe God is the God of miracles.  I believe in miracles and I want the courage to always ask for them."  This past Sunday served as even more affirmation that this was my word.

But because of me not wanting this word for 2014, it's caused me to do a little thinking.

When you look up "bravery" and "courage," you see that they are synonyms of each other.  (I know, duh.)  Their definitions are almost identical.  However, there was one tiny difference I noticed.  Bravery is the ability to face danger or pain without being fearful.  Courage is the ability to do something you know is dangerous.  There's something a bit different about facing a situation in which you know, in advance, is dangerous.

But still.  After looking up definitions and trying to find something extremely intellectual about Courage for 2014, I felt a lot of blank space.  Actually, I felt that having Courage as my word for this year was kind of taking me on a backwards journey.  Shouldn't I have learned Courage and Bravery before the Adventure?

The definition of "adventure" is an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or event.  Adventure is exciting and dangerous all at the same time.  Adventure was thrown in my face in 2012 and I was forced to deal with it.  My adventure was:  Here's a panic attack.  Here's anxiety.  What will you do with it?

There I was, having to sift through all of it in my body, mind, and heart.  Months and months of work.  I made Adventure my word for 2013 not just because I felt God had placed it on my heart, but because it was the way that I was going to claim this so-called Adventure.  If this is my adventure, then fine.  I'll do it.  I made strides and, in the midst of it, I think I found some bravery inside of me that I didn't know I had. 

So here's a little recap in chronological order:

(Adventure) A dangerous and exciting experience. 
(Bravery)  Facing danger or pain without being fearful.
(Courage)  Doing things I know are dangerous.

Hmm.

Actually, when you look at it like that, it's not backwards at all.  I suppose I assumed that all adventurous people started out being courageous or brave.  But actually, they were probably thrown into an adventurous situation which forced them to find their way through - whether it's anxiety or rock climbing or being thrown into a lion's den or whatever.

So instead of rolling my eyes at Courage, I'm nodding my head in agreement now.  Adventure was more of a "big picture" word.  Courage is more of a "let's-get-down-to-the-nitty-gritty" word.  So I will be courageous.  I will do things I know are dangerous.

To be clear, I'm not planning on skydiving anytime soon or purposefully walking janky streets at night just so I can be in the face of danger.  But I'm going to be more open to risk.  I'm going to listen more to what I hear the Spirit saying.

I started this post a little uninspired and with only a couple thoughts on Courage.  As I began writing, things started pouring out of my heart.  Sometimes I think we just need time to process.  As an encouragement to you, take time to do that with your word for the year.  Talk it through with someone and maybe you'll arrive at some really neat conclusions.  Or write it out.  You may begin noticing things that you wouldn't have noticed otherwise.  Figuring stuff out like this is part of the fun.

We're only 14 days in to 2014, so I don't really know how Courage is going to play out.  But I'm really excited to see what's coming next.

a brave adventure

On July 20, 2012, I couldn't imagine living life a year from then.  No exaggeration.  My life felt like it was over and like all of the good had been sucked out of it.  It was the most hopeless feeling I'd ever felt.  But instead of turning to Xanax or other easier ways out, I turned to God, I turned to counseling, and I worked really hard.  It was a long road and it's still something I have to manage, but it's been worth it.

The past year has been full of learning - learning about myself, learning about mental illnesses, learning about God, and learning about others.  As I've been on this journey, many little pieces have come together to form a big picture I'm just now starting to see.

I want to give you guys (and myself) a little timeline of some random snippets that have happened along the way.  I'm going to start all the way back in 2012, pre-anxiety.  Some of these events may seem small, insignificant, or even silly, but regardless, they're a part of my story.

April 2012 
Karlie (my sister) and I were asked to lead music for a women's retreat happening in May 2013.  There weren't any details given at the time, but we gladly accepted.

July 2012
Colt took me out for my birthday on the 14th.  At one point, he asked me if I'd rather shop or see the movie, "Brave."  I chose shopping.   

On the 20th, anxiety hit.  Then I had a revelation and an experience with God on July 24th that was like nothing else I'd ever felt or known.

September 2012
I started attending a MOMS group and, unbeknownst to me, our bible study was entitled "Brave."  It couldn't have been more fitting.  It was exactly what I needed.  In fact, it's part of what pushed me to finally decide to actually get help from a counselor in October.

January 2013
Colt and I deemed "Adventure" as our word for the year.  We truly felt like it was a word from the Lord.

March 2013 
Karlie and I were asked to lead music for a women's retreat in April.  I was informed that the theme of this retreat was "Brave."

Oh, and the woman in charge of the women's retreat for May 2013 called me this month to nail down some details.  She informed me that the theme for their weekend would be "Fear Not."

April 2013
Sara Bareilles (one of my absolute faves) released a new single entitled "Brave."

As you can see, there was a specific theme that God was weaving through my life.  It was no coincidence.  I couldn't have planned any of it and I couldn't have manipulated any of it.  This was the Lord, reassuring me over and over that this was who he was making me to be:  Brave.

I think Bravery and Adventure go hand in hand.  I don't really know of many people who are adventurous but lack bravery.

On the surface, it's pretty easy to sift through the events of 2013 and see adventure simply in all of the millions of trips we took and musical/creative endeavors we invested in.  But I think there's more.  As I look back on the year, learning to be brave WAS my adventure.  2012 brought some crazy change to my life and when I entered into 2013, I knew I was called to be someone different - someone that doesn't live a life of worry, someone who doesn't base decisions on fear, someone who takes all of my thoughts captive and throws out the ones that aren't healthy for me.  It may seem lame, but doing all of that was an adventure.  Working on becoming that person was hard and I had to ask for help every day.  (I still do!)

You can say I'm reading too much into all of this.  Or you can be amazed at how all of these tiny things were brought together.  Sara Bareilles didn't have me in mind when she wrote her single, but God did.  Those 2 women's retreats had no idea I was battling anxiety when they called to ask me if I'd lead their women as they learned about bravery and letting go of fear, but God did.  The ladies in charge of picking the bible study for my MOMS group didn't know that I needed to learn about how to become a brave woman, but God did. 

And that's just it - God knows you.  He puts all of these little details together.  He's always doing things like this, but if we're not willing to open up our eyes and actually see them, then we miss it and become cynical people who doubt His existence.  If you want to see God and experience God in your life, then ask for it.  Ask for it with 100% belief that it will happen.

I don't believe in manipulating circumstances to make it seem like God is present and acting in our lives.  I just believe in the truth.  What God has done in my life in the past year is nothing I could have done myself.

I have no idea what this next year will hold.  But I'm praying and asking God for a word just like I did last year. 
My prayer/challenge for you is to ask God for the same thing.  What is something that only God could do for you - that no person could make happen for you?  What is something you need to know, feel, see, or become?  Be honest and ask Him.  Believe He'll do it.  Then look for it.  He's ready to give you your new adventure.

adventure in 2013

Last year, I wrote about my hopes and dreams for 2012.  Let's see how I did.

Be nicer
I feel like I'm nicer.  But I guess you guys should be the judge of that.
Run 3 races
We ran 2.  We ran the Balto 5k in January and the Memorial half marathon in April.
Keep our room picked up (in other words, I need to keep my clothes off the floor, bed, etc.)
I DID THIS!  Our room stays clean fairly consistently and what a difference it has made!
Save more monies
Eh, we were average.  We did what we could.
Continue working on reading a chapter from the Bible each day
Not really.  I did read the Bible more in general this past year, but I wasn't as consistent as I would have liked.
Start working on a lullaby album (something I've wanted to do for awhile now)
I've made a list of songs I'd like to be on the album.  I wrote a lullaby for Duke and I wrote a little song for Merritt Mae when she was born.  Progress has been made, but maybe this year I can do more with it.
Start writing a children's book with Colt
The desire was there, but it just didn't happen.  Maybe another year.

So let's talk about the upcoming year.

Whether or not I blogged about it, I remember the past several years feeling like the word "Peace" would be my word for the year.  One year it was because I was engaged, finishing my last semester of college, and beginning my first year of teaching.  I needed Peace in place of Stress.  One year it was because I was doing a job that was absolutely wearing me down emotionally, mentally, and physically.  I needed Peace in place of being Overwhelmed.  Last year it was because I was going into the new year with a 2 month old.  I needed Peace in place of feeling Lost.  This year, it seems like Peace fits in again.  I need Peace in place of Anxiety, Control, and Fear.

Moral of the story?  I will always need Peace.  I will always be asking for it and when I do feel it weaving through my body, I will soak it in like a sponge and thank the Lord for it.  I don't think we ever "achieve" Peace and then get to be done with it.  We always need it - Peace in our minds, hearts, bodies, relationships, world.  And true Peace can only come from God.

So as far as 2013 is concerned, we'll go ahead and know that Peace is out there on the table.  But Colt and I have decided that our word for the year is going to be ADVENTURE.

I feel like I was hearing this word in various places and then the other night, Colt told me he wanted Adventure this year.  Decision made.

What will Adventure mean for us?  I have no idea.  Will we move?  Will we travel more?  Will we do things we only thought were dreams?  Will we dye our hair orange?  I don't know.  But it will be Adventure and it will be new, whatever it is.

As for our goals, I've made a list of things I want to do as well as things we want to do as a couple.

Grow my hair out
Record another album (maybe another little EP of my stuff or maybe a lullaby album)
Read 4 books
Make a photo book of Duke's first year
Work up a few piano pieces (new ones or ones I played in college)
Go on a family hike somewhere pretty
Take more initiative in playing my music places
Finish painting all the woodwork white in our home
Take a trip, just the 3 of us
Go to Portland
Run 4 races
Be in bed by 10:30 p.m. at the latest on weeknights
Be more diligent with our budget
Write music with Colt (We always write separately and have yet to try this out.)

What's on your list?